PART 16.

As promised, here’s the correspondence I had with Theresa’s Father’s Lawyer after she sent me his email address:

“Hello Mr. Sam Larry Cole,

My name is Mr. Theresa Lawson. I am the husband of the well respected and genitally afflicted Theresa Lawson, daughter of Theresa Lawson’s father. I am emailing you because I saw a picture of you rubberbanding large amounts of cash and your hands looked quite lovely. What kind of moisturizing cream do you use, if you don’t mind me asking? I sometimes use my own post-wank semen as a moisturizer myself. I find it to be quite cheap and efficient. Even if it does tend to run out after the 11th wank in a particular day.

As much as I am enamored by your delicate, well manicured hands, the reason I am contacting you is because my wife Theresa Lawson, has come down with some kind of African snatch disease and she’s in dire need of drugs. I’m not really sure if she’s talking about medicine or if she just needs smack money to numb the pain. Regardless, we need this money as quickly as possible.

Rest assured that I am a man of high repute, and have quite a substantial amount of money coming my way soon from a distinguished source in Burkina Faso. Please pass on this money to my wife, and you will be dutifully rewarded once I become a rich biznatch. Time is of the essence here, for I believe the parasite colony consuming my wife’s cooter is soon to leave her taintless.

Best Regards,

Mr. Theresa Lawson.”

His reply:

“Your wife don’t tell you that is dad will give me some money b4 he die,,,,so i av to get my money b4 i can give her the Okay,,,,,the money is not with me Okay,,,,is in the bank now,,,So she have tpo pay me a some Off $4,000 b4 i can give here the money in the bank,,,i show here the an she take a picture of the money,,,,so all is your hand Mr,theresa lawson
From lawyer sam larry cole Okay”

My reply:

“Dear Mr. Sam Larry Cole Okay,

I can tell that I’m going to like you. You’re not one of those attorney’s that fills their statements with paragraph upon paragraph of indecipherable legalese. You get straight to the point, Nay! You take shortcuts to the point by making clever use of internet word contractions through effective combinations of Roman alphabet letters and Arabic numerals. I am particularly keen on your consecutive use of the letter B and the numeral 4. This bit of grammatical trickery has afforded you the sparing of letters like “e” and “f” and “o” and “r” and “e” (a different “e” than the previously mentioned one). I also quite admire your boldness in leaving letters off of words all together! Damn readability! Why use four letters when two will almost do? I, myself, have often questioned the usefulness of the letters “h” and “e” in the word “have”, but I haven’t had the courage to dismiss them from my spelling. You, however, are audacious enough to have done so, or should I say “av” done so!

I can see how you have risen through the ranks of African lawyerdom to the point where you have been given command over large sums of money. Perhaps, one day I too, will be lucky enough to put your services to work on my belf. (You see what I did there? I took the “h” and “a” out of the word “behalf”. I’m learng. [See what I did there again? I took the "i" and the "n" out of the word "learning". Just the second "n" though, I left the first "n" in, Lary. {You see what I did there? I took the first "r" out of the word "Larry", hence shortening your middle name to only four characters. <You see what I just did there? Nothing this time.>}])

Listen, $4,000 is a lot of money, and I think this bitch is broke. Now I’m in the middle of putting together a pretty sweet deal with a guy in Burkina Faso and I’m gonna be making bank. So as soon as that deal goes through, I can send you $4,000 and Then some. For now though, I’ve already sent a good chunk of money to Burkina Faso, so I don’t quite have the full $4000 on me. I’m closer to like… $47.39. So if you give me your address I can send you the $47.39 and then when I get the rest of the money I’ll send you the remaining $3952.61.

By the way, if you know anybody that can hook up my wife Theresa Lawson with some drugs, please send them her way. Bitch’s so broke she’s having crack withdrawals. She’ll probably suck your dick for a cheeseburger and a fry at this point.

Kind Regards,

Mr. Theresa Lawson.”

aka Mr Sam Larry Cole

A Master of the Legal Code

(Originally Posted May 15, 2010)

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