Last time I talked to Theresa I told her about the lucrative scam financial opportunity that I had been offered. No longer would money be an issue in our lives, for I’d been contacted from the beautiful, always trustworthy country of Burkina Faso by a bank manager telling me if I just sent him $500, he’d in return send Me $2 Million! I thought Theresa would rejoice upon hearing the news, but actually she seemed pretty unmoved:
“Okay my love i really love you so much more,,,,,,,,,My love did you have the address with you there,,,,,My love i really wanna be there with you now,,,,,Cox am all alone here okay,,,i really need to be with the man i truely love so much Okay,,,”
“Hey, yeah, I have your address, but I’m gonna send all my money to the man who sent me the email from the Bank of Africa in Burkina Faso first, so he can send me back $2 million. I just need to get his address first and once I wire him the money through western union he’ll send me back $2 million. Then I’ll have plenty of money.”
At first it seemed kinda weird to me that she’d be so blasé about the 2 million, but then I understood to her it’s only money. It’s Me she really cares about. Who cares about having 2 million dollars when she can have me! (I still want the 2 mill though)
However, after my last email she did start paying more attention to the rip-off financial opportunity deal. She was concerned I might get scammed! She’s always looking out for me :)
“honey are you sure they are going to send you the money my love,,,,,,My love i will love to think anything b4 You Do Okay,,,,,My love i will love you to send me the money first so that i can be there with you an plan how to send money to them Okay,,,,Cox i don’t believe them my love think b4 you my love,,,
Honey i don’t want you to send money to Burkina Faso Okay honey,,,,Maybe they wanna scam You my love,.,,,,My love how much did you wanna send to Burkina Faso???”
“What makes you think he wants to scam me? The man said he was from the “BANK OF AFRICA Burkina Faso” and he’s a Doctor too. Doctors are pretty trustworthy right? I mean I don’t know much about banks in Africa but he said he’s in the “bank manager unit of the foreign remittance department” and that sounds pretty important.
why don’t you want me to send the money? I have to send him $500, but right now I only have the $200 I was going to send to you. But it’s okay because after he gets the money in Burkina Faso he’s going to send me $2 million back! and then we’ll be RICH! And I can send you more money to come back to the United States. I’ll even send some money to your family in Wisconsin so they can build their own meth lab. They love that shit up there. What town in Wisconsin do you live in?
I know you probably want the money right now, and I do too, but this is SO worth it! I’m spending $500 and getting $2 MILLION for it. That’s like an over 50% return!
Honestly, I shouldn’t even be telling you about this whole thing. Dr. RAHMANI said it was a “VERY confidential business transaction”. He asked me to not “expose or betray this trust”, but I told you anyway cause I know you love me and you won’t tell anybody, boogerblood.
He said it was a “Golding opportunity!” It’s not often that a person from Kuwait who resides in Burkina Faso dies in Africa and leaves millions of dollars to give out to a total stranger half way across the planet. We need to take advantage of this!”
After this I didn’t hear from Theresa for several days, so I wrote her again:
“hey poopchunk, how far are you from Burkina Faso? I was thinking after I send the banker man the money maybe you can just pick up the 2 million dollars there and bring them back to me when you come back to the United States. WE’RE GONNA BE RICH! I’M THE KING OF THE PENISES! are you Excited???”
I was starting to get worried cause I still didn’t hear back from her. I was starting to worry she may have gone all the way to Burkina Faso to confirm Dr. RAHMANI was a good and honest man. Turns out she was just sick…
“Honey how are you doing today i have miss you so much more,,,My love i want you to send me the $200 now,,,,bcox i was sick all this days Okay,,
It took me a couple of days to write her back and meanwhile she wrote me Five more emails! Not for nothing, but she’s getting a little clingy. Somebody’s desperate for a full 2 inch ration of the CarlosCock. Here’s a couple of the emails she sent:
“Honey why you don’t mail me today my love,,,,I told you that am very sick an you can even mail me my love that is not good honey an you no how much i really love you an care about you alot honey,,,,My love i will be very happy if you can get me the money now so that i can use it to buy some drugs Okay,,”
“Honey am really worried now Okay,,,,,,,,,,,,Bcoz My love is with you there an you are using it to play like you are playing football why my love i really love i will be happy to b ethere with you soon as i get some money my love,,,,,My Love that 2million they want to give you is small money my love,,,,My Love i will show my love dad money in bank with the lawyer Okay,,,So that you will no that i really wanna be there with you Okay,,,,My love just send me the $200 i ask you now Okay,,,,,An you will no that am real woman that want to happy good life with is husband Okay,,,,,,i will give you my Dad lawyer Email Address So that you can mail me to that you are my husband,,,,,i will tell you want you will do Okay,,,,,They have show me all the money,,,,,,it up to $50,000 my love You can see now that is alot Of money,,,,whan i show you the pix of the money you will see for yourself Okay,,”
I don’t know if she thought I was getting 2 million Italian Lira, or if she’s just not very good at the whole “greater than/less than” thing, but she seems a whole lot more excited about the $50,000 her dad’s lawyer has, and she’s got pictures!
“Oh nos! What’s wrong??? What sickness did you come down with? It’s your cooch, isn’t it?? I told you to get that thing decontaminated! You’re gonna end up having to tattoo a biohazard warning sign above your vagina, alright, alright, is it still attached at least? Talk to me…maybe my aunt knows some kind of home remedy. She’s always cooking up roadkill to treat her 7000 conditions. Lately she’s been rubbing boiled raccoon brains on her varicose veins. Her legs look like a purple relief map of the Himalayas. I’m sure she has some kind of possum soup recipe for detached labias too, or whatever it is that’s eating up at your beav.
I’m surprised you would suggest I’m playing football with your love. If anything, it’s more like whack-a-mole. Every time your head pops up I just want to Smash it in with a mallet! I wanna go all Gallagher on your cranium! J/K! LOLz!!
Babynutsack, you know the only thing I want to play with your love is watersports.
Listen, my little buttlard. I wish I could send you money to buy drugs, but I’ve already spent most of my extra cash buying drugs for myself. You know we won’t have that problem anymore as soon as I can rebuild my meth lab. That’s why it’d be great if you could pick up the money Dr. RAHMANI is going to give us in Burkina Faso. I don’t know what level math you completed, or if you even know what math is, but 2 million dollars is Way more money than $50k, it’s like Triple!
I tell you what, go ahead and send me your lawyer’s email address and the pictures of the money. Maybe we can get both loads of cash. I don’t understand why you don’t want me to do the deal with Dr. RAHMANI, though. I explained the whole thing to you. I send $500 to a man in Africa that I’ve never met before who serendipitously found my email address on the internet, and then after he gets it, he sends Me 2 million dollars! What could possibly go wrong???
SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!!!