Previously on True Love. I told Theresa the only way I could send her money was if she converted and dedicated her life to the new church I had just joined – the CHURCH OF BEELZEBUB’S SATANIC ORDER AND LUCIFER’S GOAT/Day Care Center. After some grueling soul-searching that lasted almost six hours, she decided she would indeed follow me in the path of Satanic worship for the money our Love!
In fact, she was so excited to be in the church that she sent me about five more emails after she accepted to join the church!
“My love i will love to go to that church with You Okay,,,,i really care alot about you okay,,,,honey You are the best man i will love to be there with Okay,,”
“Honey i really love you so much more Okay”
“Honey you are the best man i know all my life Okay take good care of Your self For me Okay”
“Hello honey how re you doing today,,,,i have miss you so much more,,,,honey am waiting for the money but you don’t send it to me why my love,,,,,i really care alot about You Okay.”
“Honey if you want to send the money,,,,,,Please make sure you send it to the address i give to you mu love here is the address again Okay,,,
Address………………102 western avenue
Text Question……..what color
Once again, feel free to send as many Taco Bell hot sauce packets to her as you can afford. Any amount you can send helps get us at least one Taco Bell hot sauce packet closer to being together.
As much as I want to, the reason I can’t send her anything just yet is because, like any reputable church of Satan, there are certain ritual requirements that have to be fulfilled before she is completely accepted as a full-fledged member of his Dark Majesty’s herd. I emailed her to explain this:
“oh my little pussyfart, I’m so glad you decided to convert and enter the realm of the unholy! I’m sorry I haven’t sent you the money yet, but first I gotta make sure you’re accepted into the the CHURCH OF BEELZEBUB’S SATANIC ORDER AND LUCIFER’S GOAT/Day Care Center.
There are a few requirements and rituals you must thoroughly abide by to completely forsake your soul. It’s no big deal, but they won’t let me send you the money until you’ve fulfilled the requirements. I’m forwarding you a copy of the Terms & Regulations they sent me:
1) Valid picture ID.
1) First and foremost thou shalt renounce all symbols of the Christian faith for such are an abomination to the Dogma of Damnation. Thou shalt immediately begin worship of the charmed symbols of the HEATHEN LORD: blue diamonds, green clovers, purple horseshoes, yellow moons, and pink hearts.
2) Thou must have fornicated with at least 35 men within the past two years.
3) Thou must have fornicated with at least 10 members of the same sex within the past eight years.
Alternately, condition number 3 may be fulfilled by fornicating with 2 people of the shemale persuasion, as long as the fornicating was achieved in both the “pitching” and “catching” position.
4) Thou must have fornicated with at least 4 of nature’s beasts within thou’s lifetime. With at least two being cloven hoofed beasts, and one a scaled creature of the sea.
Insertion of eels in the vaginal cavity, though encouraged, will not count towards the fornication total.
Strap-on dolphin blowhole rape will only be accepted if complimented by vaginal/anal insertion and/or reach-around with complete seminal release.
5) Thou shalt save a pint of menstrual blood, shower thyself with said pint, and delight in it as if bathing in the seed of your dark creator.
6) Every night thou must pray in the name of Lucifer while facing in the direction of Nancy Grace.
7) Finally to complete the renunciation of all that is abominable to the spawn of Hell, thou must diddle yourself with a crucifix.
Now I know what you’re thinking:
“Don’t be silly! How am I going to diddle myself with a crucifix without hurting my va-jay??”
Well do I have a product for you!
Tired of wrecking your cooch with splinters every time you feed your clam with a wooden dying Jesus effigy? Well we have the perfect cruciFIX for your crotch!
Now, available exclusively through the CHURCH OF BEELZEBUB’S SATANIC ORDER AND LUCIFER’S GOAT Gift Shop we have CRUCIFIX DILDOS!
“What’s that? Crucifix Dildos??” Yes, God Satan has answered your prayers! Turn Christ’s final day of passion into a Night of passion that will have you screaming out Jesus’ name!
Let this holy cross, cross Your hole, for only 29 easy payments of 0.69 cents, or 17 easier payments of $1.59, or 9 completely effortless payments of $3.41, or 4 payments so easy a blind Mexican retard could make them of $6.66. This crucifx can be yours!
Or you can just send $20. Your call.
See I told you it wouldn’t be that hard! You probably have numbers 2-4 covered tenfold already! I know the pint of menstrual blood thing seems like it would take forever, but don’t worry, I asked and it doesn’t all have to be your own. I’d suggest getting some from your decrepit grandma but her decomposing snatch is probably as arid as the Kalahari. Unfortunately, I can’t even get you some from my aunt cause I think she’s knocked up again. Don’t worry, it’s not mine this time. I’ll see if I can keep the fetus juice after the abortion and send it to you, I think they’ll accept that as a substitute. I’ll ask our Most Darkest Minister Rev. Wesley Snipes.
Let me know if you want that dildo too. I got a coupon I can use so if you just send me 15 bucks, that should cover it.
Let me know when you’ve completed the requirements so I can send you the money! Can’t wait to see you, my little puke burp!”