When we last left off I was overjoyed. After some bleak moments, when it looked like all might be over forever, Theresa finally recognized my reign as the KING OF THE PENISES. For those of you who haven’t been following “I AM THE KING OF THE PENISES” is what I like to announce loudly whenever I masturbate, and since I met Theresa, that is quite frequently.
I think you’ll notice the elation in my reply following her endorsement of my title:
“THANK YOU! I knew I could count on you, sweetdung. Soon you will be my QUEEN OF THE PENISES. I felt so overjoyed about you coming into my life that I had to tell my priest. I wanted to let him know that soon he’d be officiating our wedding. But can you believe he was a total asswipe about it! He said I shouldn’t trust you and should think about it more before I sent you money and married you! I think he’s just jealous because after I marry you he won’t be able to play with my peter anymore. I can’t say I won’t miss tossing his salad, but sometimes you have to move on, right? He’d been licking my taint since I was 8, it couldn’t last forever. Besides there’s other taints to be licked. I’m sure he can find another. There’s plenty of taints in the sea!
So anyway, I went shopping around for new churches and I found one that’s much more accepting of our love. It’s called the CHURCH OF BEELZEBUB’S SATANIC ORDER AND LUCIFER’S GOAT/Day Care Center. Don’t worry, they don’t accept Jews. I checked. I talked to the order’s High Priest, Reverend Al Yankovic, and even though he was a bit weird, he was very welcoming to letting me join in his worship of THE ALMIGHTY PRINCE OF DARKNESS. All I had to do is complete the ritual of defecating on the unholy slave boy called Scott Stapp. You’ll have to see it to believe it, but this Stapp guy has the ability to consume feces and then regurgitate it in the form of music. It’s horrifying, yet amazing! In turn, upon hearing his music You feel like regurgitating. Once you do he then consumes it by licking off the floor and regurgitates it in the form of More music. It’s an utterly disturbing vicious cycle of perpetual motion that makes OUR LORD SATAN smile with glee. Then we watched The Real Housewives of New Jersey.
Anyhoot! After the goat orgy/sacrifice I wiped the blood off my dick and asked one of the ministers what he thought about our relationship and he said I could send you all the money I wanted, but you’d have to join the ORDER first. He said a good christian honest to god follower of the DARK LORD SATAN should not spend any money that does not benefit the ultimate goal of spreading CHAOS AND MISERY to the unbelievers.
So let me know as soon as you accept and pledge your allegiance to the CHURCH OF BEELZEBUB’S SATANIC ORDER AND LUCIFER’S GOAT/Day Care Center so I can send you the money, okay?
hope to hear from you soon, my little colon polyp!”
I knew I was asking a lot of her. Changing faiths is a life altering decision. I knew it would probably take her a while to think it over, but I didn’t want to rush her. Sure enough it took her almost Six hours to get back to me with her fateful decision:
“Okay my love i accept the church Okay,,,,,My love i will do anything You say now my love,,,i really love you so much more honey,,,,,,My love anything you want me to do i will do it for You Okay honey,,,,you no that i really love you so much an i respect You alot now my love,,,,My love so send the money to the address i give to you Okay,,”