I hadn’t heard from my future wife, Theresa, in a few days and I started to get worried. She had never gone more than one day without writing me before. Actually, if you average it out, she probably had never gone more than six hours without writing me. I was afraid she might’ve gotten hurt in her impassioned pursuit to make $2000 to pay the lawyer to get her father’s $50 million to purchase a $350 ticket back to the United States. I know she’s desperate to see me, so who knew what she might’ve done. She’d stop at nothing to get a whiff of my genitalia. So I took the initiative and wrote her an email with some good news that I thought might cheer her up:
“yo theresa, I just found 20 bucks in my aunt’s wallet and a shitload of unused Taco Bell hot sauce packets. You think if I send you that shit you can sell it there and make the two grand that way? Just tell everybody they’re a brand new miracle medicine. Tell them it’ll cure their AIDS. And if you ever happen to run into someone in Africa that actually doesn’t have AIDS (LOL), just tell them it’s also an aphrodisiac. They believe in all that Voodoo shit over there, they’ll buy anything! You gotta promise though, that you won’t just take all my Taco Bell packets and marry some other man with them, okay? okay. Just send me your address and I’ll send you the whole bag. I didn’t go through the whole thing, so there may still be some soy sauce packets mixed in with the whole lot. You can just mail those back to me when you run across them. I like putting soy sauce on my pancakes. Can’t wait to yank your shoulders out of their sockets!”
And bless the heavens she wrote me back the sweetest email yet!
“Hello can you give me $200”
I was so excited I wrote her right back:
“hells yeah! You got the lawyer down from $2000 to $200? You must suck dick like a champ! Either that, or you musta done some pretty nasty shit. I’m afraid to ask. I just hope your vag and anus are still two distinct orifices. You’re such a dirty ho! Can’t wait to get you back to the States! Well send me your address and I’ll send you the $20 along with two hundo worth of Taco Bell packets (don’t forget to mail the soy sauce back). By the way, it’s been a minute since I sent you the pic of my wang and I haven’t gotten any of you in return. Can you send me a picture of your funbags, or your clam, even a brown-eye shot will do. Actually if you can get one of your butthole mid poop, that’d be the best. I’m just getting tired of wanking it to the same pictures. I’ve been spanking it so much lately I think I’m getting carpal tunnel. God bless.”