Well, once again, luck is working against me. If I had only gotten her the $350 for the plane ticket, she’d be back in the U.S. by now. But I didn’t so now she needs $2000 to pay the lawyer to grant her the rights to her dad’s $50 million! If this dude would just grant her the money she could probably pay him 10 times more money. I don’t know…this lawyer dude is starting to sound kinda shady. I hope he’s not trying to rip off my baby!

Today’s emails:

“Hello how are you doing today,,,,,My dear i really need to pay off my dad lawyer so that i can get the money from him Okay,,,,All i need to pay him now is $2.000 Okay,,,,,how i which i can get the money or see someone who can borrow me an i will pay back as soon as i get the money i really need to be there with you so that we can spend this money together Okay,,,How i which you can find the money for me,,,,Or borrow it from your friend an you will tell them that your wife we pad them back Okay,,,,,,,My dear i want to tell you that is i come with the money you will promise me that you will not marry another woman with the money,,,,My love we are going to do business with the money Okay buy now house an car Okay,,,,i really need to be there with you right to live forever an ever Amen,,,,May the Good God bless you for me Okay,,,,,take good care of your self for me babe Smile,,,,,

Sweetie i want you to think about this,,,,very well before you do anything Okay,,,,,,,,i will be happy if you are honest an caring man with me honey,,,,,i will love to be there with you like husband an wife honey,,,,,,Sleep well an stay out of trouble Okay”

My reply:

“god damn, 2 grand? no wonder you can’t buy him off with a blowjob. Don’t get me wrong, you’re pretty and all, but that’s knock-out perfect ten Megan Fox money right there. That’s donkey punch and blumpkin with a backsplash facial kind of money for you.

Well listen, I don’t have that kind of money on me right now. I had some money saved up but I ended up having to spend most of it on a recore kit for my Real Doll elf girlfriend. Her vagina was about to fall out, the anal core was all tore up, and I had to install a whole new labia. I ended up tearing the shit out of her bush too with the silicon glue so I had to buy five more bags of pubic hair. I like my women au natural, if you know what I mean. I like to yell out like a gorilla with kidney stones, come at her with a machete and feel like I’m beating back the brush in the amazon jungle! That’s probably how I tore up her vag in the first place.

Anyway I woulda had some money left over but I bought her some new feet too. They were on sale for $200, and the old ones were pretty beat up. I have kind of a thing for feet. It’s hard to explain. You ever see that movie “Misery”? It’s kinda like that, but I like to role play like I’m Kathy Bates. I use this awesome sledgehammer I bought at the flea market, and then I put on a big fat dress my mother used to wear before she hung herself. I even comb my hair to the side like Kathy did in the movie…sometimes I stay dressed like this for days…I’m a bad boy…MOMMY NO!…I’m a girl now!…SEE!…I turned my sin worm outside in!…ILL NEVER TOUCH IT AGAIN…LOVE ME!! …anyway, it’s kinda hard to explain, I like to role play. I’ll show you when you get back. You can be my Jimmy Caan!

I’ll see if I can find some money laying around. My aunt leaves cash laying around in her wallet some times. I also know some people that might be able to score us a loan from the local young Jewish neo-Nazi Communist club, but I don’t know how you feel about associating with Jews.

Till then, give the whole donkey punch/blumpkin thing some thought. I won’t think less of you. Hell, for 50 million dollars I’d do it and throw in a dirty sanchez with a rusty trombone for shits and giggles.

May the force be with you my sweet honey pus pocket Amen! :-)”

My Elf.

She keeps me company on those lonely nights in Middle-earth.

(Originally Posted April 15, 2010)

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