I only got three emails today, but they had substantial information. Not only did I learn what the main, nay, Only source of income is in west Africa (fucking), but also I learned that my future wife comes from a pretty wealthy background. Yup, not only is she hot, but her dad has 50 million dollars in property! I know what you’re thinking, “Carlos you lucky S-O-B!” Well I’d be so lucky. Unfortunately, she can’t get any of her dad’s money until she pays her lawyer. It’s just my luck that the one time I find a hot chick with a millionaire dad, she’s stuck in west Africa with not enough money to pay a lawyer to write a legal document granting her all of her father’s wealth. FML

Oh yeah, and I don’t think I mentioned this before but her name is Theresa.

Her emails:

“Hello i will love to see That your sweet body with you there Okay,,,,Maybe one God can make me Theresa Valencia Okay

I don’t have any Job Okay,,,,That is why am still here Okay job here is fucking Okay,,,,

Okay thanks for your reply Okay,,,,,,i will love if i can see you face to face Okay,,,,,,But i don’t have any money here with me Okay,,,,,An my gram mother don’t have anything here Okay,,,,But my dad property,,,,My dad is very rich but i have to pay my lawyer to get the money Okay,,,,,The property what 50million Okay,,,,,But no money to pay My Dad lawyer,,,,,,,That is why i don’t have any money here Okay,,,,All the money i came with here as finish now,,,,,,,Bcox Of my gram Mother sickness Okay,,,,,,i really need to collect all the money so that i will spend it with my honest an caring man Okay,,,,

I really love to see you face to face,,,,,,,i honest an caring man that i will give all my dad money,,,,,Man that will not let me down No matter what,,,,i don’t want Man that i will give the money now an he will now marry another woman,,,,,I hate that Okay,,,,,,Take good care of your self for me Okay”

My reply:

“Well, no wonder everybody’s bursting with monkey AIDS in Africa if the job there is fucking. Is that how your grandmother got sick? You’d think an old woman would know to use a rubber every time, especially if it’s her job. I guess at that age you’ll take whatever STD encrusted peen that’s desperate enough to explore the dusty catacombs of your abortion hole. What a whoreskank. She’s probably dripping HIV off her meat drapes as we speak.

Well don’t get too down, baby, bcox one God is granting you a wish today! I’m sending you a pic of my sweet body! If this picture doesn’t motivate you to make that money and get your ass over here I don’t know what will!

Mah Wang

To be honest, if the job there is fucking, I think you should apply. I still think the donkey/wildebeest show thing is a good idea, but it does come with some overhead. If you can score a job just fucking all you’d need is a pimp, and I’m sure you can find one easy on Mubutuslist, or whatever they call Craigslist there.

What’s wrong with your dad anyway, he’s got 50 million and won’t even pay for a damn lawyer? It’s too bad HE’s not the one dying, am I right? Maybe if you can get them drunk enough you can get your grandma to bang her syphilis into him. Make sure you tape that shit too. A lot of people are into that Dad-on-Grandma incest thing, and we can make some money selling the tapes. I got a cousin that can even put that stuff on CDROM. That’s some computer interwebs shit right there.

If all else fails though, just fuck the lawyer too. I won’t hold it against you. You’d only be doing your job after all. I got $100 once for licking a great dane’s nutsack. Ain’t no shame in that. Everybody’s gotta make a livin. Hell, I woulda probably let him fart on me for an extra $20.

I hate when you give people your dad’s 50 million dollars now and then they marry another woman now, too! We have so much in common! I can’t wait till you blow that lawyer for all your dad’s money and you can make it back to the states to give it to me!

See you soon, my caring honest fetid queef bubble!”

To be perfectly honest, I’m starting to run out of ideas on how to convince this girl to get off her ass and get a job. I mean, I don’t generally send unrequested nude pictures of myself like that. I could count the times with two hands. So I hope she appreciates how much I’m laying on the line here for our love. I guess I’m just a hopeless romantic, an caring an honest man.

(Originally Posted April 14, 2010)

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