PART 26.

I guess Theresa really noticed how hurt I was after the last email and let her inner poet flow:

“Dear That Special Someone For Me,

I know you are out there and it’s just a matter of time before we find each other. I am looking forward to that day with all my heart. I am preparing myself for you each day. Imagining what you could be like. What do you look like? Are you tall, dark, and handsome or are you short, thick, cuddly, and good looking? No matter what, you are for me and I will love you regardless what happens through the years. I hope to grow old with you for the rest of my life. To celebrate good times with you and support each other through the bad times. Marriage is a journey that we will grow together through. We will learn things about each other every day. We will not always have good times but we will always love each other and work through our problems. Marriage is forever. So I promise you forever. We will have fun watching football games, taking walks, and watching movies. I look forward to that day and until then, I will be waiting for you with open arms and my heart full of love just for you.

Love Always,”

Her poetry spoke to my soul, and it made me realize the time for honesty was now, so I told her that which I had been avoiding for so long, and had only been brave enough to mention to her lawyer:

“Fever blister, that’s one of the sweetest letters anybody has ever written me. Just like you opened your heart to me, I must now be totally honest with you. I have something to admit… you know my cock, the one that was so rockin and set vaginas afire? The one you dreamed about every time you closed your eyes? The one you wished was the one inside you every time you banged a crack dealer to feed your habit? Well it is no more, my rockin cock and blazin balls are forever gone.

A few months ago I seem to have contracted a disease. I’m not sure how, but apparently barebakin drunk truckers and the occasional marmot isn’t as safe as it used to be. I thought using holy water for lube would protect me, but apparently it only helps keep your dong from being possessed by evil spirits. Though the way I was burning towards the end, it felt like the devil himself had set up an Inferno Express on my pee hole.

I ended up having to spend a lot of money at the doctor, so that’s why I haven’t been able to send you any money. I tried to get your lawyer to help me, but he was being a total jerkface and wouldn’t give me any advice. The doctor said it would cost like $15,000 to get my dick chopped off, so I was like Fuck That! I’ll just wait. It’ll fall off on its own eventually. I can use that money for better things.

I wanted to wait for my dick to fall off completely before telling you all this, but it was taking forever and I was getting tired of turning the bathroom into a urine waterpark every time I pissed. The piss would splash all over the place, and it burns like hell when it gets in your eye. In the end I just took to pissing face down inside the bathtub, but then the piss would get all over my legs and belly. I’d towel off afterwards, but I’d still reek like piss. I tried to upgrade to a stronger cologne, but turns out the “ew the toilet” I was already using was the most potent fragrance Febreze makes.

It was even worse when I had to poo. You ever tried to fish up poop turds out of your agape nutsack? It’s kinda fun actually. But you never get them all and the ones that stay in there get pretty putrid after a while. I tried sticking my nutsack to my taint with duct tape but my anal leakage kept making the tape slip off. You should’ve smelled me when I first started peeing in the tub. I didn’t have a shower scheduled for another three weeks and the stench just kept getting worse and worse. Eventually I was forced into weekly showers it was getting so bad.

I’m including a picture with this email so you can get an idea of what I’m talking about.

Anyway, I couldn’t take it anymore so I had to get the whole damn thing off. However, I didn’t have the balls to do it myself…LOL!!! GET IT!!! I didn’t have the BALLS to cut off my BALLS. ROFLMAOFAFEKANEAILAHOWAREYOUBELIVINGANYOFTHISNEIANVLAIEKAE! LOLERCOASTERANDGEIANCRABASSSTUPIDWHOREANIVEALKIEELIAFNZQ!!! :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

If you know anything about me, it is that I am brilliant, so I devised a plan where I spread peanut butter all over my pestilent crotchital area, put some chewy meat chunks in there, and then invited my dog Daisy for a treat. Some people say she’s just a street dog, because she doesn’t live with me, but she knows who her daddy is. Anyway, I figure she chews off my junk, I finally get rid of my twig and berries, and Daisy gets a delicious meal! Everybody wins!

I actually really enjoyed the licking part, but I knew I would, she’s always been awesome at it. Once the chewing and tugging started it got a little rough, but by that point I was so fucked up on moonshine and Quaaludes that I passed out and barely felt a thing.

Next day, Daisy is nowhere to be seen, and neither is my peen! My dick was probably half way through her poop tract by the time I woke up. My crotch was a bloody mess in the morning, but the way I look at it it’s like I got my first Period! I’m sure there’s gonna be a lot more blood flowing through my vag whole when I get the sex change! LOL! Guess what I’m doing with the $15,000 I saved! Girl, I’m gonna be a WOMAN soon!


mah peen...what's left of it.

Don't worry, I'm keeping the bush.

(Originally Posted August 5, 2010)

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2 Responses to PART 26.

  1. Lisa says:

    Quaaludes? Dude, kick!

  2. carlos valencia says:


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