PART 22.

After I told off the lawyer and told Theresa that I would not send him any money, we had a bit of a spat. She kept insisting I should send him money and I was offended she would even suggest it after the way he had disrespected me.

Her email:

“Honey i want you to send him the money,,,,,,Or you want me to lose all want my dad work for me,,,,,,Pr you don’t love me anymore,,,,,,it my dad lawyer of 30yrs now,,,So i believe him Okay,,,,,,send him the money Okay,,,,,,,,Honey don’t send any money to bukina faso Again send to the lawyer Okay,,,”

My reply:

“Didn’t you hear me? That son of a bitch YELLED at me! He was a total dickface towards me, when I’ve only been but polite and respectful in all my correspondence with him. I ain’t getting punked by no bitch-ass lawyer! I will not talk to him again until he fully apologizes to me.

We don’t even Need your dad’s money though! I’m gonna get $2 million from Burkina Faso as soon as Dr. Rahmani can get the money out. The problem is that he has to fill out a lot of paperwork and it takes money to fill the forms. First I had to send him $50 for the transaction fee, then $100 for the withdrawal fee, then $150 for the account cancellation authorization, then $250 to pay off a judge so he’d allow Dr. Rahmani to send the money overseas, then I had to send another $100 because he never got the first $100 I sent for the withdrawal fee, then just yesterday I sent him the $500 I was going to send to your dad’s lawyer. He said he needed it for “delousing”. I don’t even know what the hell that is.

I love you my little phlegm bucket. Can’t wait to grow an antfarm inside your vag!”

Her reply, and the coldest one at that:

“Now i no you don’t love me”

I was naturally taken aback by her suggestion that I didn’t love her, but I was also pissed that she would take his side:

“WHAT? what do you mean I don’t love you??? That lawyer man was an asshole to me! I can’t believe you’re taking His side! You must not love ME then. If you love your dad’s lawyer so much why don’t you MARRY him!

He YELLED at me! He’s a god damn Asshole! If I didn’t love you why would I’ve sent you all those pics baring my undeniably sexually arousing physique to you? You think I send ALL the girls pictures of my guns and guitars? You think I send every girl a picture of my MASSIVE manbeam??? ok I do, BUT, You think I call Every girl my “scrotumlips”, “pussyfart”, “sweetdung”, “colon polyp”, “honey pus pocket”, and “fetid queef bubble”? You think if I didn’t love you I would call you my “pussybreath”, “fungusface”, “buttnugget”, “pussy ulcer”, and “malignant tumor eating at my soul”?? You think if I didn’t wallow in admiration for you I would’ve nicknamed you “fartface”, “saggytits”, “boogerblood”, “poopchunk”, “babynutsack”, “buttlard”, and “dingleberry”. The answer is NO!…or Yes… (that question was awkwardly worded {My Bad}).

Point IS, your father’s Lawyer DISRESPECTED me and I will not be talking to him again unless he APOLOGIZES to me. And if you take his side then it must mean that you don’t really love me and you love your father’s lawyer more. I want to share my $2 million with you, but if you’re gonna be a jerkface to me too, then I will just go ahead and claim the money all for myself.

Hope to hear from you soon, excrement brain!”

As usual my silver tongued charm payed off:

“Okay my love i will tell him to apologis to yoiu Oky”

Now I’m just hoping he writes back, ideally with some advice about my wiener.

I did some advanced Photoshop work merging mine and Theresa's most prominent physical traits, and I came up with what I believe is a fairly accurate representation of what our child would look like.

(Originally Posted July 5, 2010)

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