PART 18.

The past couple of emails have concerned my dealings with Theresa’s father’s lawyer, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been corresponding with Theresa too. Actually, it’s funny how it seems whenever I get an email from the lawyer, I always get one from Theresa a couple of minutes later, and vice versa. They must frequent the same internet cafe, at the same time, Every time.

Here are the emails we’ve exchanged since the lawyer got first involved:

“honey ,,,,,,So telll me what the lawyer told you My love am waiting to here from you now Okay,,”

“Honey i want you to send me the money so that i can buy some drugs for myself an some new cloth Okay i really miss you so much…,,,,”

My Reply:

“Well the lawyer was all like “Mr. Theresa Lawson, you’re so handsome, I can see why Theresa loves you so much. You have such pretty eyes”. And I was all like “BACK OFF QUEER!! I’m Married!”. He also wants $4000. I told him I don’t have that kind of money on me right now, but once the money comes in from my Burkina Faso deal we’re gonna be ROLLLLIINNNNGGGG INNNNNN IIIIITTTTTT!!! HELLSSSS TO THE YYYYEEAAAHHH!!!

SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!! Say it Already!!!! SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!!!

PS. how’s your illness? I don’t think it’s a good idea to be buying new clothes right now, for all we know you might croak by the end of the month and all that money will go to waste.”

Her replies:

“Yes that is right my love,,,,but my i want to drugs Okay,,,”

“hello how are you doing today honey why you don’t mail me??”

and then again a day later…

“Honey why You don’t mail me today my love am wait for you mail an what the lawyer told you about me my love am worried now Okay,,”

Note that sometimes she goes days without writing me, but SATAN forbid I miss a couple of days and she turns into the clingy bitch from Hell! ‘women, can’t live with them… pass the beernuts” Am I Right!

So I tried to tell her that she needs to chill out some, in the most loving way I could:

“fartface, you can’t go all bitchcakes on me whenever I don’t email for a couple of days. I’m a busy guy. Between having to deal with your father’s lawyer, and sending all my money to Burkina Faso, and setting up my aunt’s latest abortion, I don’t have time to be writing all the time. I got a lot of things going on at the same time. Phlegmbag, you know every thing I do I do for you, right? I would fight for you. I’d lie for you. Walk the wire for you!

Look into my eyes, you will see what you mean to me. Search your heart, search your soul, and when you find me there you’ll search no more. Don’t tell me it’s not worth tryin’ for. You can’t tell me it’s not worth dyin’ for! You know it’s true. Look into your heart you will find there’s nothin’ there to hide. Take me as I am, take my life, I would give it all. I would sacrifice. There’s no love, like your love. And no other could give more love. There’s nowhere unless you’re there. All the time, all the way.

You know it’s true. Everything I do, I do it for you.

You just gotta be patient, just think about it. We’re gonna take all your dad’s money! It’ll be like we’re Robin Hood or something, except we’ll be taking money from the rich and giving it to ourselves! I’ll be the PRINCE of Thieves, And the KING of the PENISES! We’re gonna be RICH!!

SHOW ME THE MONEYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!! SAY IT!!!!!!!!!”

Thank you, most powerful crooner of all the ballads. You may have saved my marriage.

(Originally Posted May 18, 2010)

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