Carlos Valencia. Stand-up Comedy.

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37 Killed At South Sudan Peace Meeting.

I’m guessing this all happened before they got to the “Let’s stop shooting at each other” section of the agenda.

U.N. Meeting Moderator: “Welcome gentlemen, we are here to discuss a peace treaty between two warring factions. Warring Faction Warlord #1 what is your peace proposal?”

Warring Faction Warlord #1: *BANG!*

U.N. Meeting Moderator: “Warring Faction Warlord #1 suggests “Bullet through the chest”. Warring Faction Warlord #2, do you accept this proposal?

Warring Faction Warlord Number #2: *BANG!*

U.N. Peacekeeping Moderator: I’ll take that as a “Yes”. Meeting adjourned. Damn, I’m Good.

An exhilarated soldier upon hearing how quickly both parties came to an agreement. (He was shot five seconds later)

February 3, 2012 | Categories: Blog | Tags: africa, article, blog, carlos v, carlos valencia, comedian, comedy, comic, funny, humor, killing, peace, politics, satire, stand up, standup, standup comic, sudan, u.n. | Leave A Comment »

2011. A Year That Was Twelve Months.

This is a compilation of most of my facebook and twitter updates of 2011. I don’t foresee anybody wanting to read all this, but I do foresee my memory of happenings past getting progressively worse as I drink my way to comedy anonymity, so this might help me remember how things were when I still had half a working liver. Enjoy?

JANUARY

- Douchebags unite! and jump off a cliff.

- Watching Top Chef All-Stars. They’re sending the contestants off on a boat with fishing rods. This episode reminds of Mitch Hedberg… “OK, you’re a cook, can you Fish???”

- My new business card didn’t come out that great. I think I’m just gonna give it away.

- Vanilla Ice got injured ice skating rehearsing for “Dancing On Ice”, I guess you could say… something witty involving ice. Am I Right!

- Walking over to the Skull to see the great Ms. Maria Bamford. Unless I slip on some ice and break a hip. Then I’ll crawl over to see her.

- If I ever deem “I’m tired” to be worthy of a status update. I don’t think I’ll ever have to update my status again.

- I decline invitations to facebook events so quickly, sometimes I find myself “Not Attending” events I’m actually in.

- “Laughter without philosophy woven into it is but a sneeze at humor. Genuine humor is replete with wisdom, and if a piece of humor is to last, it must do two things. It must teach and it must preach – not professedly. If it does those two things professedly, all is lost. But if it does them effectively, that piece of humor will last forever – which is 30 years.” – Mark Twain.

Read the rest of this page »

January 2, 2012 | Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: 2011, best of, blog, carlos valencia, comedian, comedy, comic, facebook, humor, jokes, stand up, standup comic, status, statuses, twitter, year in review | Leave A Comment »

My First Time Doing Stand-up Comedy

For years I’d been trying to pin down the date of when I first did stand-up comedy. I knew it was in early August of 2005, at a comedy competition called the Carnival Cruise Challenge in Charlotte, NC; but I could never get down to the exact date. It was about another two months before I got on stage again and started seriously doing stand-up on a regular basis, but officially, that day in August was my first time doing stand-up.

A few months ago while I was looking at old blogs to populate this one, I ended up running into a blog I kept for years before I started doing stand-up. And to my surprise I found an entry where I mentioned my first time doing comedy. Unfortunately, I stopped updating the blog pretty soon afterwards, so I’m not sure when I did stand-up again after that, but I was finally able to pin-point the date of my first ever stand-up performance. Read the rest of this page »

August 9, 2011 | Categories: Blog | Tags: blog, carlos valencia, comedian, comedy, comic, first time, funny, humor, stand up, standup, standup comic | Leave A Comment »

A Poem For The Ladies

“Baby, you may not be the most beautiful girl in the world,
but your ugliness is tolerable.
Baby, some may say your lazy eye is kinda creepy,
but I think they just need to look at you from the left side.
Baby, some may say your missing teeth make you look like a methhead
but I say..two out of three ain’t bad.”

July 28, 2011 | Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: blog, carlos valencia, comedian, comedy, comic, humor, ladies, love, poem, stand up, standup, standup comic | Leave A Comment »

Five Years of Chuckle Time.

Exactly about five years ago this month I started performing stand-up comedy. My first performance was at the now defunct uptown Charlotte Comedy Zone in the preliminary round of a now defunct comedy competition called the Carnival Comedy Challenge. It was set up so they would hold auditions on Monday, some in the afternoon, some in the evening, and from there they would select ten comics to perform the next day in the finals.

I was in the afternoon heat of participants. My cousin came with me. While we were there we looked through the Comedy Zone food menu, and having no money looked for the cheapest thing there. That was the origin of a joke that sadly is not yet defunct, and I still tell five years later. Read the rest of this page »

July 16, 2011 | Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: anniversary, blog, carlos valencia, comedian, comedy, comedy competition, comic, first time, kerry white, matt davis, paul hooper, paul parsons, stand up, standup, standup comic, tim kidd, tony boswell | Leave A Comment »

It’s Curtains for Me.

Alright, check it out people. Curtains currently have more facebook fans than I do.

As of November 21, 2009:

Curtains = 651
Carlos Valencia = 145

That means curtains are more than four times more popular than I am. And I’m not talking about “Curtains” as in an underground experimental aggro-calypso band called “Curtains” or a quirky new indie movie starring Michael Cera called “Curtains”. I’m talking about Curtains, as in what gets hung up on the inside face of home windows when you’re too fancy to rig up old bed sheets or large cardboard cut-outs to block out the sun.

I’m not saying curtains aren’t awesome. I love a dark room just as much as the next guy. 95% of my indoor activities would be severely limited if it weren’t for the ability to keep people from witnessing and judging the legality of what I do at home. I’m just saying it might improve my chances of booking a television special if I can tell the HBO executives that I’m a bigger draw than curtains. It’s not a good thing when the most crowd-pleasing part of your show is the thirty minutes before the theater drapery is drawn.

So if you haven’t already, add me on the fan page. That’s if you love me more than curtains, of course.

facebook.com/carlosvalenciafans

Usually curtains open for a comic, but if this trend continues soon I'll be opening for them.

(Originally Posted 11/21/09)

July 12, 2011 | Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: blog, carlos valencia, comedian, comedy, comic, curtains, facebook, fanpage, fans, funny, stand up, standup, standup comic | 1 Comment »

Obama: Worst Maid EVER.

Here’s my hypothesis…

Perhaps because most wealthy Republicans are used to hiring brown people to do it for them, they’re not very familiar with the clean-up process. They have a very limited concept of how long it takes and how much work goes into cleaning up a mess. All they know is brown people can and are supposed to clean up the messes they’ve made in a fast and efficient manner, otherwise they’re fired.

So that’s why after George W. Bush took an eight year shit on America, they expect Obama to have it cleaned up in nine months.

What do you mean you're not done sweeping the Empire State Building? It's been 8 minutes already!

Originally Posted (10/10/09)

July 12, 2011 | Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: blog, carlos valencia, clean up, comedian, comedy, comic, financial crisis, funny, George W Bush, humor, maid, Obama, politics, Republicans, rich, satire, stand up, standup, standup comic | Leave A Comment »

Give me Healthcare or give me Death.

How about we get rid of medicare, medicaid, public schools, highways, police departments, fire departments, state universities, social security, national parks, public libraries, public transportation, and running water. Cause apparently it’s better to have nothing at all than to let the government run anything.

The government is bureaucratic and wasteful, but I’ll take that over no health care at all. If HMO bureaucracy is more your cup of tea, go for it. If you love paying through the roof rates to private health insurance companies that will fight tooth and nail to find a way to deny you when you’re in need of coverage, knock yourself out. Nobody’s taking that away from you. Just let the rest of us have a chance to be able to afford health care for once.

Go to Canada, or Britain, or anywhere where they have socialized health care, and tell me how many would trade our current system for theirs. If you find more than 1% I’d be honestly surprised.

(Originally Posted 8/8/09)

July 12, 2011 | Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: carlos valencia, comedian, comedy, comic, government, health, healthcare, politics, stand up, standup, standup comic | Leave A Comment »

Excalibur vs. Experian!

I got an offer in the mail to try out “Credit Protector” free for a month and I’d get $20 off on gas. So I figured “I use gas. I’ll sign up for this, get my $20 and cancel before the month is up.” Easy twenty bucks (and about 4 gallons of gas).

So when the time came I called up customer service to cancel, but the lady that answered kept trying to convince me not to cancel. I didn’t want to tell her I had just signed up to get the $20 gas rebate, for fear of sounding like a broke ass, so I tried to play along… for a while at least…

her: “Are you sure you want to cancel Credit Protector, sir?”

me: “yeah, pretty much”

her: “why?”

me: “..I just don’t think I need it”

her: “Do you know that over 5 million people in America get their identities stolen every year? Once they steal your identity they can buy things under your name and ruin your credit.”

me: “yeah, but I want to cancel though…”

her: “Sir, if you keep the Credit Protector program you’ll be insured against identity theft and you’ll get to review your credit report to check for unauthorized purchasing activity.”

me: “right, I don’t want to pay for Credit Protector though…”

her: “So if you cancel, how are you going to protect your credit?”

me: “with a sword?”

her: “Ok, good night, sir.”

(Originally Posted 2/8/05)

July 8, 2011 | Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: blog, carlos valencia, comedian, comedy, comic, credit, credit protector, free gas, funny, junk mail, special offer, stand up, standup, standup comic, telemarketing | Leave A Comment »

WuT dA FuKK iZ WrONg WiT U!!

WeLL DiS WeeK AiNt ReaLLie Ma WeeK BuT oF CouRse WaT MaKes iT aLriGhT eVeN tHouGht iT iS NoT iS Ma GirL CuZ sHeS tHeRe LoViN Me N sHeS So CuTe So iM ReaLLie HaPPy BouT tHaT PaRt oF Ma LiFe CuZ sHeS SucHa aNgeL n HeR fReNd …..TWIX…. LoL sHeS So KoOL tHaNx Fo BeiN tHeRe Fo Me N HeR aLwaYz WaT OuT FoR HeR N iF aNy GuY HoLLaZ TeLL tHeM sHe GoT a MaN….LoL.. WeLL aLL i GoTz To SaY 2 Ma BaBe iS tHaT i CaRe aBouT HeR aLoT n i MiSS HeR So MucH….. BuT YaH PeePz DeZ DaYz tRyiN 2 JuMp Me N iT AiNt KoOL CuZ i DuNt HaVe sHiT WiT tHeM i DuNNoe wHy tHeY tRiPPeN BuT oH WeLL i AiNt GoNNa DeaL WiT tHaT CuZ Da VP iS GoNNa DeaL WiT iT CuZ sHe CaLLeD Me iN tHa oFFiCe n iF tHeY MeSS WiT Me CuZ DeY kNoE CuZ oF eVeRytHiN DaTz BeeN HaPPeNiN DeY WiLL GeT a TaLk fRoM Mr. oFFiCeR JoNeZ So i WaRniN YaLL…. NoT CuZ i ToLd BuT tHeY kNoW WaSSuP WiT Da NiLeZ N Ma HoMMieZ….

I saw this entry on somebody’s blog today and I had to post it on mine. It’s just interesting to me that there are people who talk and write like this without a hint of irony. It looks like a joke but this is how they actually talk and type out their thoughts. Me and this guy share the same planet…I can hardly accept we’re on the same plane of reality. The more I live the more I honestly start to believe I don’t belong here.

(Originally Posted 3/12/04)

July 8, 2011 | Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: blog, carlos valencia, comedian, comedy, comic, funny, stand up, standup, standup comic | Leave A Comment »

Carlos Valencia. Stand-up Comedy. Sex, Drugs, and Comedy… not much sex though, or drugs… ok just Comedy.