You say "Please" after you tell them to "Stop being so fucking dumb"
If by "play Liz Taylor" you mean "be a dead actress", then I'd guess Yes.
I don't know. Give me a minute. I'll google it.
CNN.com Headlines. 2/22/12
Latest
CNN.com Headlines. 2/17/12
They just mean the one in the lobby. It’s going to get water two times a day now. Which is twice as much as the workers in the manufacturing plant get. Apple can afford to do this by watering the plants with the recycled sweat and tears of their exploited Chinese employees.
Of course they back santorum. Santorum = anal sex = less pregnancies = less abortions. Read the rest of this page »
Traffickers Prey On Children of Dump
Traffickers Pray On Children of Dump
This is a pretty grim article displaying another awful example of how shitty the world is, but I found at least one part of it entertaining. Part of the plan to help these kids is to provide them with cell phones so they can call home if they’re ever abducted. But hey, cell phones are expensive, so the lady running the program doesn’t just give them out arbitrarily:
“It sounds weird, but we gave the prettiest girls the cell phones first, they’re most at risk.”
In other words, “Sorry fatty, but who would want to rape You!”
I’m pretty sure the cutest girls get iPhones too, and it goes down from there. If you’re only moderately rapeable you get a Motorola pager. The real Uggos get a couple of cans and some string, well actually they don’t get that, but they’re told to go find some in the dump.
You must be at least this hot to get on this ride.
McDonald’s Nixes Tiny Cages For Pigs
Via: CNN.com
I support this decision, but I think it’s going to be tough to put into practice. Even though bigger is definitely preferable, I expect a lot of McDonald’s customers are still going to resist being caged.
Fortunately, McDonald’s customers shouldn’t be that hard to bait using the old Big Mac and stick trick.
Sandusky can see grandchildren…
Sandusky Can See Most of his Grandchildren, Judge Rules.
Somebody’s getting laid this week!
I’m not sure if the “Judge Rules” part of the headline was inserted by the editor of the article, or if they were just quoting Sandusky after he heard the news..”Judge Rules!”
It’s Possible That Nobody Wins…
It’s Possible That Nobody Wins the 2012 GOP Nomination
I think it’s safe to say regardless of who gets the nomination, nobody is going to win.
For Icelandic Lovers, An Incest Database
For Icelandic Lovers, An Incest Database
I feel this would be a hit in West Virginia too, but for different reasons.
They always use their best picture on their profile.
37 Killed At South Sudan Peace Meeting.
37 Killed At South Sudan Peace Meeting.
I’m guessing this all happened before they got to the “Let’s stop shooting at each other” section of the agenda.
U.N. Meeting Moderator: “Welcome gentlemen, we are here to discuss a peace treaty between two warring factions. Warring Faction Warlord #1 what is your peace proposal?”
Warring Faction Warlord #1: *BANG!*
U.N. Meeting Moderator: “Warring Faction Warlord #1 suggests “Bullet through the chest”. Warring Faction Warlord #2, do you accept this proposal?
Warring Faction Warlord Number #2: *BANG!*
U.N. Peacekeeping Moderator: I’ll take that as a “Yes”. Meeting adjourned. Damn, I’m Good.
An exhilarated soldier upon hearing how quickly both parties came to an agreement. (He was shot five seconds later)
2011. A Year That Was Twelve Months.
This is a compilation of most of my facebook and twitter updates of 2011. I don’t foresee anybody wanting to read all this, but I do foresee my memory of happenings past getting progressively worse as I drink my way to comedy anonymity, so this might help me remember how things were when I still had half a working liver. Enjoy?
JANUARY
- Douchebags unite! and jump off a cliff.
- Watching Top Chef All-Stars. They’re sending the contestants off on a boat with fishing rods. This episode reminds of Mitch Hedberg… “OK, you’re a cook, can you Fish???”
- My new business card didn’t come out that great. I think I’m just gonna give it away.
- Vanilla Ice got injured ice skating rehearsing for “Dancing On Ice”, I guess you could say… something witty involving ice. Am I Right!
- Walking over to the Skull to see the great Ms. Maria Bamford. Unless I slip on some ice and break a hip. Then I’ll crawl over to see her.
- If I ever deem “I’m tired” to be worthy of a status update. I don’t think I’ll ever have to update my status again.
- I decline invitations to facebook events so quickly, sometimes I find myself “Not Attending” events I’m actually in.
- “Laughter without philosophy woven into it is but a sneeze at humor. Genuine humor is replete with wisdom, and if a piece of humor is to last, it must do two things. It must teach and it must preach – not professedly. If it does those two things professedly, all is lost. But if it does them effectively, that piece of humor will last forever – which is 30 years.” – Mark Twain.
