Sex, Drugs, and Comedy… not much sex though, or drugs… ok just Comedy.

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Skulls, Ipods, and Bombs OH MY!

Saw this on a conspiracy theory site in which they tried to claim that the two people pictured here are the actual Boston bombers. They use the skull logo on one of the guy’s hats as evidence that they are associated with some suspicious institutions.

"Hey man, you think anybody will suspect us of killing people if we wear an emblem that symbolizes death?"

Read the rest of this page »

Death By Prayer

When the Boston Marathon bombings happened I joked that praying for Boston was pointless. Especially after the bombing already happened. At that point God had pretty much already made up his mind to fuck Boston over. However, the truth is, faith in prayer is not just worthless, it can be deadly.

Family Who Chose Prayer Over Medicine Loses Second Child

I don’t care if you cause your own death by relying on faith healing. That’s actually a pretty great thing to do in a Darwinian sort of way. But when you force a kid to adopt your Health Care By Superstition plan, you’re a gigantic piece of shit. I wish I could use the claw end of a hammer to rip off one of this guy’s testicles, just so I could deny him a 911 call and tell him to try stemming the bleeding by praying Jesus into rubbing his nutsack back to health.

They should've prayed for a decent haircut.

Also, notice this is the Second child they lose this way. Only in a country as Jesus crazy as America would these lunatics be allowed to raise children after already murdering their first. I’m willing to bet you the court system would not have been so forgiving  had they let the kid die in the name of Poseidon, cause then they would REALLY be crazy.

Enemy Combatant? Who gives a shit.

I don’t get why there was a push to label the Boston bomber dude as an “Enemy Combatant” or categorize the bomb he used as a WMD. At the end of the day he’s still just gonna spend the rest of his life in prison being fed and getting free health care, which is more than I can get, or at worst he’ll get a pretty cushy ride out of this world through a lethal injection.

How about we just call him Asshole.

Unless there’s a charge that carries a sentence of “Confinement in a bunker with an explosive pressure cooker full of nails and ball bearings”, any label you put on the guy is meaningless and pointless.

That said, whatever label they do decide to put on the guy will likely be way easier to pronounce than his actual name.

Carlos Valencia’s Potato Chips.

Most comics will lie to you and tell you they got into stand-up because of how much they appreciate the art form, or because it helps exorcise their inner demons, or because they love making people laugh. The truth is we all get into this for the same reason – in the hopes that some day we’ll have our face printed on the front of a bag of potato chips.

One day my face will be on a bag of empanada flavored taters. You’ll see. Dare to dream.

I'm holding off for Bacon Cheeseburger flavor.

Women Are Funny, Just Not This One

I posted a joke earlier on Facebook/Twitter, and judging by the number of FB likes: 100+ (a high number for me), I think most people got it and enjoyed it. However, a lady on Twitter took offense because she thought I was saying women weren’t funny (I wasn’t). In her defense how was she supposed to know it was a joke? She’s only a stand-up comic and teaches a comedy class.

As a side note, complaining about a joke you didn’t get is probably not the best way of going about proving that you’re funny. Some would call that ironic. But what do I know, I’m not the stand-up comedy scholar. Read the rest of this page »

MTV Shocked People They Pay To Be Stupid Die

Shain Gandee from the MTV show “BUCKWILD” has been found dead. So long, the cure for cancer. Somebody notify the Nobel Prize committee there is one less name to take into consideration.

Nobel Prize in Squirrel Eradication

All (some) joking aside, MTV says they are “shocked and saddened” by Shain’s death. If they meant that as an April Fools joke then kudos to them, they got me and you can dismiss the rest of this post. But if they didn’t… Read the rest of this page »

Dark Side of Comedy Tour

If you live in Fort Lauderdale or Valdosta, GA  I’ve got a couple of shows coming up this week March 7-9 that I’m excited about because they will be the first two of what I’m trying to bill as the “Dark Side of Comedy” tour, for lack of a better name. I would’ve called it the “Uptight Cunts Stay Away” tour, but that just wouldn’t be as marketable. As the name implies there’s gonna be some dark/offensive/edgy jokes told at the show, so if you like that kind of shit then come out to one of the shows.

If you don’t live anywhere near those places though, get on my mailing list and I’ll let you know when I’ll be closer. I usually only send about one email a month so I won’t be clogging your inbox with spam. Oh and if you’re already on my mailing list and didn’t get an email from me last month, check your spam folder or add me to your contacts or something. Fix it! To get on my mailing list you can click at the top of the page where it says “Mailing List” or you can just click on the link below:

http://eepurl.com/vbh3P

2012. A Year I Said Things In. Part 1.

Last year I finally made good on my mission to have at least one Facebook and Twitter update every day. I may have missed a handful of dates, but I made up for it eventually. I was planning on posting them all on this blog post, but I soon realized it would just take too long, so I only did January-March. Whether I ever post April-December remains to be seen. I intend to, but I’ve intended to do many things that never got done – like being successful. For now the following is a mixed compendium (I like that word) of my Facebook and Twitter updates from January 1 through March 31 2012. Some are funny, some aren’t, and many may not make any sense (You had to be there, man).

JANUARY

- New Year’s Day is like my day-after-Xmas. It’s when I usually return all the gifts I got the night before. Namely:Alcohol. Thru:My Butthole.

- Say what you will about deaf people…really, go ahead, they won’t hear you. Read the rest of this page »

Big Stink Holiday Gift: Reduxxx

After I posted about giving away one of my sets from the Big Stink Comedy Tour I had quite a few people that weren’t at the Stanhope shows ask for a set as well. My original plan was to make a best-of compilation of all the shows and make that available, but knowing me, we’ll be doing the 20-year Big Stink Reunion Tour in front of Stanhope’s mummified body before I get to putting that together. So instead what I’m gonna do is send everybody who wants one, a copy of whatever set I think sucked the least.

The catch is you gotta e-mail me at carlosVcomedy@gmail.com with your name and city, and by doing so you will be added to my mailing list. If that’s a weight worth bearing for you then hit me up. But hit me up this week. I’d like to get this done while I’m still motivated and in a giving mood. Oh and type BIG STINK on the subject line so your e-mail doesn’t get lost among all the Pottery Barn and Yankee Candle newsletters I receive every day. Even if you already hit me up, hit me up again just to make sure. I won’t hold it against you. Not unless you want me to.

 

I was insinuating rubbing my penis against you in those last few sentences, by the way.

 

Thanksgiving and 15 Weeks on the Road.

Eat Me

I'm Delicious.

I’m thankful for my first week off since August. Despite still being shunned by the biggest comedy chain in the region I still managed to put together 15 straight weeks of road work. 12 states, 36 cities, and I don’t know how many shows. That’s not much for some, but it’s a big deal for me. I’m not mentioning it to brag, but to put it forth as evidence to other comics still beating their head against the wall trying to get in with a particular booker, that no one agency/booker/club, no matter how big they are, can shut you down. If one agency refuses to book you then just make it happen some other way. There’s dozens of other bookers, plenty of other clubs, hundreds of independent venues. As much as some bookers may think of themselves as the be-all and end-all of comedy, just because one person thinks you suck it doesn’t mean that they are right.

 
If everybody you meet thinks you suck though, then yeah, maybe it would be a good idea to look into some other lines of work where being funny isn’t necessarily a job requirement – like improv.