Sex, Drugs, and Comedy… not much sex though, or drugs… ok just Comedy.

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I think the Government is on drugs…

Earlier this month the White House announced that President Obama was commuting the sentences of many non-violent drug offenders because he feels they are victims of outdated drug policies.

…then a week later the DEA announced they will continue enforcing the outdated drug policy that marijuana should remain illegal for any purpose.

In March, President Obama attended a drug abuse & heroin summit where he basically said addicts should not be treated as criminals, but instead be provided with access to effective treatment options to help them deal with their heroin/opium dependency.

…then this week the DEA announced it’s working on banning access to an effective treatment option that helps drug addicts deal with their heroin/opium dependency – Kratom, and will essentially treat addicts as criminals for purchasing it.

If you’re having a hard time following, let me sum it up this way:

Don’t do drugs or the DEA’s outdated drug policies may land you in jail. But since you landed in jail due to the DEA’s outdated drug policies there’s a chance Obama will release you, as long as you treat your addiction once you’re released. But be careful about how you seek treatment because if you use the wrong type of treatment the DEA’s outdated drug policies may land you in jail again. But since you landed in jail due to the DEA’s outdated drug policies there’s a chance Obama will release you, as long as you treat your addiction once you’re released. But be careful about how you seek treatment because if you use the wrong type of treatment the DEA’s outdated drug policies may land you in jail again. But since you landed in jail due to the DEA’s outdated drug policies there’s a chance Obama will release you, as long as you treat your addiction once you’re released. But be careful about how you seek treatment because if you use the wrong type of treatment the DEA’s outdated drug policies may land you in jail again. But since you landed in jail due to the DEA’s outdated drug policies…

Make sense now? Of course not.

The real question though, is who’s really in charge of establishing drug policy in the United States? The President or the DEA?

Trick Question. The answer is Pharmaceutical Companies.

If you guessed right, congratulations! You win a lifetime supply of Viagra with its corresponding Valtrex prescription. I’d ask if I could have some, but the Prozac downed my bonermissile ages ago.

I’m with Metzger.

I originally posted this on Facebook but it got taken down. Fortunately someone shared it before it was taken down and I was able to get a backup, so I’m now posting it on my website where it can be safe from the whims of the Facebook thought police:

 

About a week ago I started seeing posts from NYC comics talking about a comedian that had been banned from several venues for being a rapist, no not Bill Cosby. Pretty sure he’s still allowed at most venues, though maybe not at every bar.

I held back from commenting on the thing because I wanted to hear the full story first. Problem was I couldn’t find the full story anywhere. No accounts of the rape, no word from the victims, no criminal charges. I figured I just wasn’t connected enough to the NYC scene to find the full story, so I never said anything about it.

Cut to a week later, and it turns out the reality was there were no filed charges on this guy, and no actual full story. Apparently it was all just speculation based on the statements of one comedy venue, however that didn’t stop dozens of people from jumping on the hate bandwagon and demonizing the dude with no real proof of the accusations.

That’s not to say the guy isn’t a rapist, by now the process of character assassination has advanced to the point that I kinda hope he is, but I do think that when an accusation of that kind of gravity is being thrown around there should be a higher standard of veracity than an improv theater just saying it is so.

Soon after all this came to light, Kurt Metzger posted a hilarious, obviously satirical status that basically encapsulated the situation perfectly. It was brilliant. But of course as soon as the “Offendables” got wind of it, all the angry Feminist and humorless SJWs jumped on his case, pitchforks in hand, calling him a “rape apologist” and demonizing him like he was the rapist himself.

That’s why I think Metzger is arguably the ballsiest comic working today. He’s not famous enough to have achieved Louis CK/Bill Burr say-anything bulletproof status, yet he still sticks his neck out to call out bullshit and speaks his mind knowing that there could be serious consequences.

I catch a lot of shit for the stuff that I post, but I don’t have nearly as much to lose as this guy. He was a writer for the Amy Schumer show and any time he says something “controversial” he has the Feminist SJW Outrage Mob go full-bitchtard mode to call for his ouster from the show. The worst any of these mobs could do to me is call for a boycott of my already sparsely attended stand-up shows. If anything, I’d probably benefit from the controversy. Five protesters at my shows would in most cases double the audience.

Anyway, I’m assuming most of you know who he is, but if you don’t, look him up. In a comedy world increasingly dominated by milquetoast, generic stand-up, we need to support more people like him. He’s ballsy, crass, straight-forward, but most importantly fucking hilarious.

8/9/2015. Ten Years In Comedy.

Ten years ago today, 8/9/2005, I did stand-up for the first time. Stand-up *Comedy* that is. I need to clarify that because I was recently made aware some people may get confused into thinking I was a paraplegic that a decade ago walked for the first time and for some reason I’m crediting comedy for this miraculous turn of events.

I’m not gonna get into the details of my first stand-up experience. I wrote about that in a Facebook note I posted five years ago (https://www.facebook.com/notes/470043917064), but I do want to thank one person in particular today. Read the rest of this page »

“On This Day”

Facebook has a feature called “On This Day” where they like to bring up statuses you posted years ago on that same date. Not sure what the purpose of it is other than to remind you how your life used to be better; or worse, how it’s never been good at all. Usually I find them annoying but I was actually glad they reminded me of this particular one because I think it’s somewhat relevant to the state of comedy today. The post in question is the following picture with the caption “You think this dude might be an Earnhardt fan?” Read the rest of this page »

It Gets Worse – Clean Version.

It’s no secret that the easiest path to making money as a comedian in America is to tailor your material to appeal to the largest group of people possible, which often means being extremely careful to not hurt anybody’s sensibilities, or risk pissing people off. I’ve never been that kind of comic, but now that my album is out I’ve been getting a lot of pressure from my agents, managers, accountants, publicists, body guards, consiglieres, personal trainers, pastors, and wives, to increase my audience by releasing an edited “Family Friendly” version of my album. I rejected their requests for as long as I could, but sadly I finally had to give in. Read the rest of this page »

Live at the Billy Graham Library.

A couple of weeks ago filmmaker Matt Ott hit me up about being on his Comedians In Public series. He explained to me that I would have to perform in public (Bad), during the day (Worse), for people who weren’t paying attention (Worser). It sounded like a complete nightmare, so of course I agreed to do it. Then a day after I agreed to do it he dropped the bomb on me that the location he had chosen for my public performance was the Billy Graham Library (The Worst). Either Matt was not aware of my utter disdain for everything religious, or he did and he’s the biggest asshole in the world. Either way, I’m a man of my word and he’s an evil bastard. Read the rest of this page »

My Album Is Finally Out! “It Gets Worse”

The album I recorded in December is finally available today. It’s called “It Gets Worse”.

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Satire, it ain’t for everybody.

This is why I love when people share my Facebook/Twitter posts. At this point anybody that still follows me on either of those is pretty familiar with my sense of humor or is pretty open minded about my nonsense, so I’m basically preaching to the choir. But when they share my posts on their page the audience for the jokes expands to their friends, family, and coworkers, many of which don’t find me amusing in the least. And it couldn’t make me more giddy.
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Rantings of a 300 year old man.

This is my reaction to new communication technologies throughout the centuries. Some of these are factual, and some are speculative. I’ll let you guess which are which:

19th Century

“Why do I need a telephone when I can just use a telegraph?”

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A Poem.

I love you so much that if you told me you wanted the sky I would try to get it for you, but I would eventually realize that it’s not something I could actually give you since the sky isn’t an item that can be purchased. Even if it was, I imagine it would be extremely expensive and probably way out of my price range. The good news though is that you can still pretty much enjoy it for free.

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