Sex, Drugs, and Comedy… not much sex though, or drugs… ok just Comedy.

Posts tagged “valencia

I think the Government is on drugs…

Earlier this month the White House announced that President Obama was commuting the sentences of many non-violent drug offenders because he feels they are victims of outdated drug policies.

…then a week later the DEA announced they will continue enforcing the outdated drug policy that marijuana should remain illegal for any purpose.

In March, President Obama attended a drug abuse & heroin summit where he basically said addicts should not be treated as criminals, but instead be provided with access to effective treatment options to help them deal with their heroin/opium dependency.

…then this week the DEA announced it’s working on banning access to an effective treatment option that helps drug addicts deal with their heroin/opium dependency – Kratom, and will essentially treat addicts as criminals for purchasing it.

If you’re having a hard time following, let me sum it up this way:

Don’t do drugs or the DEA’s outdated drug policies may land you in jail. But since you landed in jail due to the DEA’s outdated drug policies there’s a chance Obama will release you, as long as you treat your addiction once you’re released. But be careful about how you seek treatment because if you use the wrong type of treatment the DEA’s outdated drug policies may land you in jail again. But since you landed in jail due to the DEA’s outdated drug policies there’s a chance Obama will release you, as long as you treat your addiction once you’re released. But be careful about how you seek treatment because if you use the wrong type of treatment the DEA’s outdated drug policies may land you in jail again. But since you landed in jail due to the DEA’s outdated drug policies there’s a chance Obama will release you, as long as you treat your addiction once you’re released. But be careful about how you seek treatment because if you use the wrong type of treatment the DEA’s outdated drug policies may land you in jail again. But since you landed in jail due to the DEA’s outdated drug policies…

Make sense now? Of course not.

The real question though, is who’s really in charge of establishing drug policy in the United States? The President or the DEA?

Trick Question. The answer is Pharmaceutical Companies.

If you guessed right, congratulations! You win a lifetime supply of Viagra with its corresponding Valtrex prescription. I’d ask if I could have some, but the Prozac downed my bonermissile ages ago.


8/9/2015. Ten Years In Comedy.

Ten years ago today, 8/9/2005, I did stand-up for the first time. Stand-up *Comedy* that is. I need to clarify that because I was recently made aware some people may get confused into thinking I was a paraplegic that a decade ago walked for the first time and for some reason I’m crediting comedy for this miraculous turn of events.

I’m not gonna get into the details of my first stand-up experience. I wrote about that in a Facebook note I posted five years ago (https://www.facebook.com/notes/470043917064), but I do want to thank one person in particular today. (more…)


“On This Day”

Facebook has a feature called “On This Day” where they like to bring up statuses you posted years ago on that same date. Not sure what the purpose of it is other than to remind you how your life used to be better; or worse, how it’s never been good at all. Usually I find them annoying but I was actually glad they reminded me of this particular one because I think it’s somewhat relevant to the state of comedy today. The post in question is the following picture with the caption “You think this dude might be an Earnhardt fan?” (more…)


It Gets Worse – Clean Version.

It’s no secret that the easiest path to making money as a comedian in America is to tailor your material to appeal to the largest group of people possible, which often means being extremely careful to not hurt anybody’s sensibilities, or risk pissing people off. I’ve never been that kind of comic, but now that my album is out I’ve been getting a lot of pressure from my agents, managers, accountants, publicists, body guards, consiglieres, personal trainers, pastors, and wives, to increase my audience by releasing an edited “Family Friendly” version of my album. I rejected their requests for as long as I could, but sadly I finally had to give in. (more…)


Live at the Billy Graham Library.

A couple of weeks ago filmmaker Matt Ott hit me up about being on his Comedians In Public series. He explained to me that I would have to perform in public (Bad), during the day (Worse), for people who weren’t paying attention (Worser). It sounded like a complete nightmare, so of course I agreed to do it. Then a day after I agreed to do it he dropped the bomb on me that the location he had chosen for my public performance was the Billy Graham Library (The Worst). Either Matt was not aware of my utter disdain for everything religious, or he did and he’s the biggest asshole in the world. Either way, I’m a man of my word and he’s an evil bastard. (more…)


My Album Is Finally Out! “It Gets Worse”

The album I recorded in December is finally available today. It’s called “It Gets Worse”.

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Rantings of a 300 year old man.

This is my reaction to new communication technologies throughout the centuries. Some of these are factual, and some are speculative. I’ll let you guess which are which:

19th Century

“Why do I need a telephone when I can just use a telegraph?”

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A Poem.

I love you so much that if you told me you wanted the sky I would try to get it for you, but I would eventually realize that it’s not something I could actually give you since the sky isn’t an item that can be purchased. Even if it was, I imagine it would be extremely expensive and probably way out of my price range. The good news though is that you can still pretty much enjoy it for free.

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People Be Trippin’. When it snows.

740,000 people died the last time it snowed in Raleigh, NC.

People in the North be like: “Why those pussies in the South gotta shut down for a few inches of snow? We treat it like it’s any other day!”

People in the South be like: “Because we don’t have the infrastructure and tools to handle snowstorms with the same efficiency as it is handled in the north. Thus we deem it safer for people to stay indoors while we handle the clean up as best we can with our limited amount of resources, y’all.”

People in the North be like: “Well why don’t you get some more plow trucks then, dummies?”

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2014. I get by with A Lot of help from my friends.

2014 was already shaping up like a front-runner for worst year ever, but it made sure to ratify its position with a hell of a last two weeks. The week I recorded my CD (and just a couple of days after I tried to contact him to invite him to the show), I found out one of my oldest friends and biggest supporters of my stand-up, had passed away after being killed in a hit-and-run accident.

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Joke Stealing. It can happen to you! Part 2. Conclusion.

(For Part 1 click here: Joke Stealing. It can happen to you!)

Greg Brown admitted to his plagiarism yesterday on my FB page and apologized while recusing himself from the Asheville festival. That’s enough for me. As far as I’m concerned the matter is settled and hopefully this will be the last time I have to bring it up.

Thanks to everybody who shared the video and hit me up with support through Facebook, Twitter, text, phone, etc. I appreciate it immensely and love you all. The great majority of responses I got were positive, but as with anything that spreads to a certain scale of reach, there was a contingent of negativity that also came my way. I was expecting it and I’m not bothered by most of it since a lot of it is coming from irrelevant cunts that have never come close to trying to create something original in their lives and thus can’t understand the importance of artistic integrity. You might as well be discussing the intricacies of particle physics with these hoopleheads.

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2012. A Year I Said Things In. Part 1.

Last year I finally made good on my mission to have at least one Facebook and Twitter update every day. I may have missed a handful of dates, but I made up for it eventually. I was planning on posting them all on this blog post, but I soon realized it would just take too long, so I only did January-March. Whether I ever post April-December remains to be seen. I intend to, but I’ve intended to do many things that never got done – like being successful. For now the following is a mixed compendium (I like that word) of my Facebook and Twitter updates from January 1 through March 31 2012. Some are funny, some aren’t, and many may not make any sense (You had to be there, man).

JANUARY

– New Year’s Day is like my day-after-Xmas. It’s when I usually return all the gifts I got the night before. Namely:Alcohol. Thru:My Butthole.

– Say what you will about deaf people…really, go ahead, they won’t hear you. (more…)


Big Stink Holiday Gift: Reduxxx

After I posted about giving away one of my sets from the Big Stink Comedy Tour I had quite a few people that weren’t at the Stanhope shows ask for a set as well. My original plan was to make a best-of compilation of all the shows and make that available, but knowing me, we’ll be doing the 20-year Big Stink Reunion Tour in front of Stanhope’s mummified body before I get to putting that together. So instead what I’m gonna do is send everybody who wants one, a copy of whatever set I think sucked the least.

The catch is you gotta e-mail me at carlosVcomedy@gmail.com with your name and city, and by doing so you will be added to my mailing list. If that’s a weight worth bearing for you then hit me up. But hit me up this week. I’d like to get this done while I’m still motivated and in a giving mood. Oh and type BIG STINK on the subject line so your e-mail doesn’t get lost among all the Pottery Barn and Yankee Candle newsletters I receive every day. Even if you already hit me up, hit me up again just to make sure. I won’t hold it against you. Not unless you want me to.

 

I was insinuating rubbing my penis against you in those last few sentences, by the way.

 


Big Stink Christmas Gift from Santa Carlos.

"Sit on my lap..."

I posted this on my Facebook page, and some people seemed to be interested, so I’m expanding the offer on my website as well. Earlier this year I did a run of shows opening for Doug Stanhope on his Big Stink Comedy Tour. More on that here: Big Stink Comedy Tour on Laughspin.com.

Doug Stanhope's Big Stink Comedy Tour

Storming the Southeast like Sherman.

Before the tour started, I bought an audio recorder and a lapel mic so I could record all my sets from the tour. I missed a couple of shows but I’d say I got about 90% of them. Mostly I just wanted to record my sets for me to review later, and if they didn’t come out too shitty I might try to make an album of it at some point.

Well the audio did indeed come out pretty shitty and it’s gonna take some work to compile it into something worthy of putting on an album, if that’s even a possibility. However, I thought it might be a good idea to offer the raw unedited audio to anybody who came out to see a show back in August.

I’m giving the sets away for free, so hopefully that will temper any complaints I might have gotten because of the quality of the recordings. In most of the recordings you can hear my voice fine, but because the mic was clipped to my coat and I have a nasty habit of crossing my arms during my performances you can hear a lot of popping and crackling while I’m telling my jokes. Also, in most instances, because the mic is so much closer to me than it is to the audience, you can’t hear much of a crowd reaction to my jokes. You could argue that the reason you can’t hear much crowd reaction is because most of my jokes aren’t crowd reaction worthy, but it makes me feel better to say you can’t hear the audience because the venue was too large for my little mic to pick up all the laughter.

Keep in mind, my material/segways/pronunciation isn’t always at its sharpest because I was drinking through most of these shows, but in my defense, most of the crowds weren’t completely sober either.

So anyway, if you were at one of the Stanhope shows back in August and you enjoyed my set as well, send me an e-mail at carlosVcomedy@gmail.com with your name and the city you saw the show in. Type “BIG STINK” on the subject line too so I don’t risk missing your e-mail as I read through the throngs of fan mail I get every day. On a related note, it’s funny how many of my fans send me hundreds of emails just to offer me Viagra and Cialis.

When I get all the files in order I’ll upload them somewhere and email you a link to download it. I’ll try to get the files out before Christmas. No promises though. Unless you send me a gift too, then I’ll try a little harder. Otherwise, you get what you paid for.

Happy Holidays.

 

PS. I don’t care if you copy, share, burn, or rip any of the sets, but keep in mind the thing I said about some venues not being ideal for picking up audience reaction. So if you have any audio editing skills, do me a solid and insert some over-the-top laugh track action between my jokes before you share it with your friends.