Sex, Drugs, and Comedy… not much sex though, or drugs… ok just Comedy.

Posts tagged “stand-up comic

8/9/2015. Ten Years In Comedy.

Ten years ago today, 8/9/2005, I did stand-up for the first time. Stand-up *Comedy* that is. I need to clarify that because I was recently made aware some people may get confused into thinking I was a paraplegic that a decade ago walked for the first time and for some reason I’m crediting comedy for this miraculous turn of events.

I’m not gonna get into the details of my first stand-up experience. I wrote about that in a Facebook note I posted five years ago (https://www.facebook.com/notes/470043917064), but I do want to thank one person in particular today. (more…)


“On This Day”

Facebook has a feature called “On This Day” where they like to bring up statuses you posted years ago on that same date. Not sure what the purpose of it is other than to remind you how your life used to be better; or worse, how it’s never been good at all. Usually I find them annoying but I was actually glad they reminded me of this particular one because I think it’s somewhat relevant to the state of comedy today. The post in question is the following picture with the caption “You think this dude might be an Earnhardt fan?” (more…)


Live at the Billy Graham Library.

A couple of weeks ago filmmaker Matt Ott hit me up about being on his Comedians In Public series. He explained to me that I would have to perform in public (Bad), during the day (Worse), for people who weren’t paying attention (Worser). It sounded like a complete nightmare, so of course I agreed to do it. Then a day after I agreed to do it he dropped the bomb on me that the location he had chosen for my public performance was the Billy Graham Library (The Worst). Either Matt was not aware of my utter disdain for everything religious, or he did and he’s the biggest asshole in the world. Either way, I’m a man of my word and he’s an evil bastard. (more…)


My Album Is Finally Out! “It Gets Worse”

The album I recorded in December is finally available today. It’s called “It Gets Worse”.

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Joke Stealing. It can happen to you! Part 2. Conclusion.

(For Part 1 click here: Joke Stealing. It can happen to you!)

Greg Brown admitted to his plagiarism yesterday on my FB page and apologized while recusing himself from the Asheville festival. That’s enough for me. As far as I’m concerned the matter is settled and hopefully this will be the last time I have to bring it up.

Thanks to everybody who shared the video and hit me up with support through Facebook, Twitter, text, phone, etc. I appreciate it immensely and love you all. The great majority of responses I got were positive, but as with anything that spreads to a certain scale of reach, there was a contingent of negativity that also came my way. I was expecting it and I’m not bothered by most of it since a lot of it is coming from irrelevant cunts that have never come close to trying to create something original in their lives and thus can’t understand the importance of artistic integrity. You might as well be discussing the intricacies of particle physics with these hoopleheads.

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Joke Stealing. It can happen to you!

In 2008 I had the worst thing happen to me since I started doing comedy, somebody broke into my buddy Joe’s car in the parking lot of a Walgreens in Charlotte and stole my backpack. I had about $800 worth of electronics in that backpack, but what hurt the most was losing what was probably worth the least to the thieves – my joke notebook. The reason I had that much stuff in my backpack is because me and Joe had just gotten back from a trip to New York City and were on our way back home from the airport. (more…)


Death By Prayer

When the Boston Marathon bombings happened I joked that praying for Boston was pointless. Especially after the bombing already happened. At that point God had pretty much already made up his mind to fuck Boston over. However, the truth is, faith in prayer is not just worthless, it can be deadly.

Family Who Chose Prayer Over Medicine Loses Second Child

I don’t care if you cause your own death by relying on faith healing. That’s actually a pretty great thing to do in a Darwinian sort of way. But when you force a kid to adopt your Health Care By Superstition plan, you’re a gigantic piece of shit. I wish I could use the claw end of a hammer to rip off one of this guy’s testicles, just so I could deny him a 911 call and tell him to try stemming the bleeding by praying Jesus into rubbing his nutsack back to health.

They should've prayed for a decent haircut.

Also, notice this is the Second child they lose this way. Only in a country as Jesus crazy as America would these lunatics be allowed to raise children after already murdering their first. I’m willing to bet you the court system would not have been so forgiving  had they let the kid die in the name of Poseidon, cause then they would REALLY be crazy.


Enemy Combatant? Who gives a shit.

I don’t get why there was a push to label the Boston bomber dude as an “Enemy Combatant” or categorize the bomb he used as a WMD. At the end of the day he’s still just gonna spend the rest of his life in prison being fed and getting free health care, which is more than I can get, or at worst he’ll get a pretty cushy ride out of this world through a lethal injection.

How about we just call him Asshole.

Unless there’s a charge that carries a sentence of “Confinement in a bunker with an explosive pressure cooker full of nails and ball bearings”, any label you put on the guy is meaningless and pointless.

That said, whatever label they do decide to put on the guy will likely be way easier to pronounce than his actual name.


Big Stink Holiday Gift: Reduxxx

After I posted about giving away one of my sets from the Big Stink Comedy Tour I had quite a few people that weren’t at the Stanhope shows ask for a set as well. My original plan was to make a best-of compilation of all the shows and make that available, but knowing me, we’ll be doing the 20-year Big Stink Reunion Tour in front of Stanhope’s mummified body before I get to putting that together. So instead what I’m gonna do is send everybody who wants one, a copy of whatever set I think sucked the least.

The catch is you gotta e-mail me at carlosVcomedy@gmail.com with your name and city, and by doing so you will be added to my mailing list. If that’s a weight worth bearing for you then hit me up. But hit me up this week. I’d like to get this done while I’m still motivated and in a giving mood. Oh and type BIG STINK on the subject line so your e-mail doesn’t get lost among all the Pottery Barn and Yankee Candle newsletters I receive every day. Even if you already hit me up, hit me up again just to make sure. I won’t hold it against you. Not unless you want me to.

 

I was insinuating rubbing my penis against you in those last few sentences, by the way.

 


Thanksgiving and 15 Weeks on the Road.

Eat Me

I'm Delicious.

I’m thankful for my first week off since August. Despite still being shunned by the biggest comedy chain in the region I still managed to put together 15 straight weeks of road work. 12 states, 36 cities, and I don’t know how many shows. That’s not much for some, but it’s a big deal for me. I’m not mentioning it to brag, but to put it forth as evidence to other comics still beating their head against the wall trying to get in with a particular booker, that no one agency/booker/club, no matter how big they are, can shut you down. If one agency refuses to book you then just make it happen some other way. There’s dozens of other bookers, plenty of other clubs, hundreds of independent venues. As much as some bookers may think of themselves as the be-all and end-all of comedy, just because one person thinks you suck it doesn’t mean that they are right.

 
If everybody you meet thinks you suck though, then yeah, maybe it would be a good idea to look into some other lines of work where being funny isn’t necessarily a job requirement – like improv.


The Elite Masturbaters

tl;dr: If I put together a comedy tour what would be a good name for it?

I’ve never been a big fan of stand-up comedy tours. I don’t mind that they exist, I’ve just never wanted to join one. Fortunately, most haven’t wanted me to join them either, so it’s worked out pretty well.

Lately though I’ve been looking into putting together an independent run of shows and perhaps bringing a friend or two with me, so I figured if I’m gonna do that, why not give the tour a name too.

The “Comic you’ve never heard of, along with two of his pals that you’ve never heard of either” Tour isn’t a very catchy name though. Also the “______ of Comedy” thing has been done to death, so I’m trying to avoid using that too.

Unfortunately, unless there’s some famous comics with major credits on the tour already, I think there’s gotta be an allusion to comedy in the title otherwise people will have no idea what type of show it is. The words “Comedy” or “Laugh” or “Joke” have to be in there somewhere. I’d love to call the tour something like the “Elite Masturbaters” but then I’d have to explain every time that we’re not an underground punk band or a bukkake sideshow. I also don’t want people to think they need to bring plastic sheets to the show because we may be some kind of jizz-based Gallagher parody act.

I also would like the title of the tour to convey some kind of hint as to what type of comedy will be presented, but not something so specific that people will only expect jokes about one particular subject. i.e. The Women Are Different from Men Comedy Tour, or the .44 Magnum Double Action Revolvers with Swing Out Cylinders of Comedy. Just something that conveys it’s not gonna be a “bring your grandma & kids” kind of show.

If you have any suggestions let me know. If I pick your suggestion you’ll get a free pass to one of the yet to be named’s comedy tour’s shows. So far the best I’ve got is the “I’m too lazy, and this probably is never gonna happen anyway” Tour.


Sandusky can see grandchildren…

Sandusky Can See Most of his Grandchildren, Judge Rules.

Somebody’s getting laid this week!

I’m not sure if the “Judge Rules” part of the headline was inserted by the editor of the article, or if they were just quoting Sandusky after he heard the news..”Judge Rules!”