This is why I love when people share my Facebook/Twitter posts. At this point anybody that still follows me on either of those is pretty familiar with my sense of humor or is pretty open minded about my nonsense, so I’m basically preaching to the choir. But when they share my posts on their page the audience for the jokes expands to their friends, family, and coworkers, many of which don’t find me amusing in the least. And it couldn’t make me more giddy.
I don’t get why there was a push to label the Boston bomber dude as an “Enemy Combatant” or categorize the bomb he used as a WMD. At the end of the day he’s still just gonna spend the rest of his life in prison being fed and getting free health care, which is more than I can get, or at worst he’ll get a pretty cushy ride out of this world through a lethal injection.
Unless there’s a charge that carries a sentence of “Confinement in a bunker with an explosive pressure cooker full of nails and ball bearings”, any label you put on the guy is meaningless and pointless.
That said, whatever label they do decide to put on the guy will likely be way easier to pronounce than his actual name.
Last year I finally made good on my mission to have at least one Facebook and Twitter update every day. I may have missed a handful of dates, but I made up for it eventually. I was planning on posting them all on this blog post, but I soon realized it would just take too long, so I only did January-March. Whether I ever post April-December remains to be seen. I intend to, but I’ve intended to do many things that never got done – like being successful. For now the following is a mixed compendium (I like that word) of my Facebook and Twitter updates from January 1 through March 31 2012. Some are funny, some aren’t, and many may not make any sense (You had to be there, man).
- New Year’s Day is like my day-after-Xmas. It’s when I usually return all the gifts I got the night before. Namely:Alcohol. Thru:My Butthole.
- Say what you will about deaf people…really, go ahead, they won’t hear you. (more…)
They just mean the one in the lobby. It’s going to get water two times a day now. Which is twice as much as the workers in the manufacturing plant get. Apple can afford to do this by watering the plants with the recycled sweat and tears of their exploited Chinese employees.
Of course they back santorum. Santorum = anal sex = less pregnancies = less abortions.
No shit, they call it double-vision.
This is a pretty grim article displaying another awful example of how shitty the world is, but I found at least one part of it entertaining. Part of the plan to help these kids is to provide them with cell phones so they can call home if they’re ever abducted. But hey, cell phones are expensive, so the lady running the program doesn’t just give them out arbitrarily:
“It sounds weird, but we gave the prettiest girls the cell phones first, they’re most at risk.”
In other words, “Sorry fatty, but who would want to rape You!”
I’m pretty sure the cutest girls get iPhones too, and it goes down from there. If you’re only moderately rapeable you get a Motorola pager. The real Uggos get a couple of cans and some string, well actually they don’t get that, but they’re told to go find some in the dump.
I support this decision, but I think it’s going to be tough to put into practice. Even though bigger is definitely preferable, I expect a lot of McDonald’s customers are still going to resist being caged.
Fortunately, McDonald’s customers shouldn’t be that hard to bait using the old Big Mac and stick trick.
Somebody’s getting laid this week!
I’m not sure if the “Judge Rules” part of the headline was inserted by the editor of the article, or if they were just quoting Sandusky after he heard the news..”Judge Rules!”
I think it’s safe to say regardless of who gets the nomination, nobody is going to win.
I’m guessing this all happened before they got to the “Let’s stop shooting at each other” section of the agenda.
U.N. Meeting Moderator: “Welcome gentlemen, we are here to discuss a peace treaty between two warring factions. Warring Faction Warlord #1 what is your peace proposal?”
Warring Faction Warlord #1: *BANG!*
U.N. Meeting Moderator: “Warring Faction Warlord #1 suggests “Bullet through the chest”. Warring Faction Warlord #2, do you accept this proposal?
Warring Faction Warlord Number #2: *BANG!*
U.N. Peacekeeping Moderator: I’ll take that as a “Yes”. Meeting adjourned. Damn, I’m Good.
Here’s my hypothesis…
Perhaps because most wealthy Republicans are used to hiring brown people to do it for them, they’re not very familiar with the clean-up process. They have a very limited concept of how long it takes and how much work goes into cleaning up a mess. All they know is brown people can and are supposed to clean up the messes they’ve made in a fast and efficient manner, otherwise they’re fired.
So that’s why after George W. Bush took an eight year shit on America, they expect Obama to have it cleaned up in nine months.
Originally Posted (10/10/09)