Sex, Drugs, and Comedy… not much sex though, or drugs… ok just Comedy.

Posts tagged “humor

37 Killed At South Sudan Peace Meeting.

37 Killed At South Sudan Peace Meeting.

I’m guessing this all happened before they got to the “Let’s stop shooting at each other” section of the agenda.

 

U.N. Meeting Moderator: “Welcome gentlemen, we are here to discuss a peace treaty between two warring factions. Warring Faction Warlord #1 what is your peace proposal?”

Warring Faction Warlord #1: *BANG!*

U.N. Meeting Moderator:Warring Faction Warlord #1 suggests “Bullet through the chest”. Warring Faction Warlord #2, do you accept this proposal?

Warring Faction Warlord Number #2: *BANG!*

U.N. Peacekeeping Moderator: I’ll take that as a “Yes”. Meeting adjourned. Damn, I’m Good.

An exhilarated soldier upon hearing how quickly both parties came to an agreement. (He was shot five seconds later)


2011. A Year That Was Twelve Months.

 

This is a compilation of most of my facebook and twitter updates of 2011. I don’t foresee anybody wanting to read all this, but I do foresee my memory of happenings past getting progressively worse as I drink my way to comedy anonymity, so this might help me remember how things were when I still had half a working liver. Enjoy?

JANUARY

– Douchebags unite! and jump off a cliff.

– Watching Top Chef All-Stars. They’re sending the contestants off on a boat with fishing rods. This episode reminds of Mitch Hedberg… “OK, you’re a cook, can you Fish???”

– My new business card didn’t come out that great. I think I’m just gonna give it away.

– Vanilla Ice got injured ice skating rehearsing for “Dancing On Ice”, I guess you could say… something witty involving ice. Am I Right!

– Walking over to the Skull to see the great Ms. Maria Bamford. Unless I slip on some ice and break a hip. Then I’ll crawl over to see her.

– If I ever deem “I’m tired” to be worthy of a status update. I don’t think I’ll ever have to update my status again.

– I decline invitations to facebook events so quickly, sometimes I find myself “Not Attending” events I’m actually in.

– “Laughter without philosophy woven into it is but a sneeze at humor. Genuine humor is replete with wisdom, and if a piece of humor is to last, it must do two things. It must teach and it must preach – not professedly. If it does those two things professedly, all is lost. But if it does them effectively, that piece of humor will last forever – which is 30 years.” – Mark Twain.

(more…)


My First Time Doing Stand-up Comedy

For years I’d been trying to pin down the date of when I first did stand-up comedy. I knew it was in early August of 2005, at a comedy competition called the Carnival Cruise Challenge in Charlotte, NC; but I could never get down to the exact date. It was about another two months before I got on stage again and started seriously doing stand-up on a regular basis, but officially, that day in August was my first time doing stand-up.

A few months ago while I was looking at old blogs to populate this one, I ended up running into a blog I kept for years before I started doing stand-up. And to my surprise I found an entry where I mentioned my first time doing comedy. Unfortunately, I stopped updating the blog pretty soon afterwards, so I’m not sure when I did stand-up again after that, but I was finally able to pin-point the date of my first ever stand-up performance. (more…)


A Poem For The Ladies

“Baby, you may not be the most beautiful girl in the world,
but your ugliness is tolerable.
Baby, some may say your lazy eye is kinda creepy,
but I think they just need to look at you from the left side.
Baby, some may say your missing teeth make you look like a methhead
but I say..two out of three ain’t bad.”


Obama: Worst Maid EVER.

Here’s my hypothesis…

Perhaps because most wealthy Republicans are used to hiring brown people to do it for them, they’re not very familiar with the clean-up process. They have a very limited concept of how long it takes and how much work goes into cleaning up a mess. All they know is brown people can and are supposed to clean up the messes they’ve made in a fast and efficient manner, otherwise they’re fired.

So that’s why after George W. Bush took an eight year shit on America, they expect Obama to have it cleaned up in nine months.

What do you mean you're not done sweeping the Empire State Building? It's been 8 minutes already!

 

Originally Posted (10/10/09)