Sex, Drugs, and Comedy… not much sex though, or drugs… ok just Comedy.

Posts tagged “funny

CNN.com Headlines. 2/17/12

They just mean the one in the lobby. It’s going to get water two times a day now. Which is twice as much as the workers in the manufacturing plant get. Apple can afford to do this by watering the plants with the recycled sweat and tears of their exploited Chinese employees.

Of course they back santorum. Santorum = anal sex = less pregnancies = less abortions.

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Beer Brings Left and Right Together

Via CNN.com

No shit, they call it double-vision.


Traffickers Prey On Children of Dump

Traffickers Pray On Children of Dump

This is a pretty grim article displaying another awful example of how shitty the world is, but I found at least one part of it entertaining. Part of the plan to help these kids is to provide them with cell phones so they can call home if they’re ever abducted. But hey, cell phones are expensive, so the lady running the program doesn’t just give them out arbitrarily:

“It sounds weird, but we gave the prettiest girls the cell phones first, they’re most at risk.”

In other words, “Sorry fatty, but who would want to rape You!”

I’m pretty sure the cutest girls get iPhones too, and it goes down from there. If you’re only moderately rapeable you get a Motorola pager. The real Uggos get a couple of cans and some string, well actually they don’t get that, but they’re told to go find some in the dump.

You must be at least this hot to get on this ride.

 


McDonald’s Nixes Tiny Cages For Pigs

Via: CNN.com

I support this decision, but I think it’s going to be tough to put into practice. Even though bigger is definitely preferable, I expect a lot of McDonald’s customers are still going to resist being caged.

Fortunately, McDonald’s customers shouldn’t be that hard to bait using the old Big Mac and stick trick.


For Icelandic Lovers, An Incest Database

For Icelandic Lovers, An Incest Database

I feel this would be a hit in West Virginia too, but for different reasons.

They always use their best picture on their profile.


37 Killed At South Sudan Peace Meeting.

37 Killed At South Sudan Peace Meeting.

I’m guessing this all happened before they got to the “Let’s stop shooting at each other” section of the agenda.

 

U.N. Meeting Moderator: “Welcome gentlemen, we are here to discuss a peace treaty between two warring factions. Warring Faction Warlord #1 what is your peace proposal?”

Warring Faction Warlord #1: *BANG!*

U.N. Meeting Moderator:Warring Faction Warlord #1 suggests “Bullet through the chest”. Warring Faction Warlord #2, do you accept this proposal?

Warring Faction Warlord Number #2: *BANG!*

U.N. Peacekeeping Moderator: I’ll take that as a “Yes”. Meeting adjourned. Damn, I’m Good.

An exhilarated soldier upon hearing how quickly both parties came to an agreement. (He was shot five seconds later)


My First Time Doing Stand-up Comedy

For years I’d been trying to pin down the date of when I first did stand-up comedy. I knew it was in early August of 2005, at a comedy competition called the Carnival Cruise Challenge in Charlotte, NC; but I could never get down to the exact date. It was about another two months before I got on stage again and started seriously doing stand-up on a regular basis, but officially, that day in August was my first time doing stand-up.

A few months ago while I was looking at old blogs to populate this one, I ended up running into a blog I kept for years before I started doing stand-up. And to my surprise I found an entry where I mentioned my first time doing comedy. Unfortunately, I stopped updating the blog pretty soon afterwards, so I’m not sure when I did stand-up again after that, but I was finally able to pin-point the date of my first ever stand-up performance. (more…)


It’s Curtains for Me.

Alright, check it out people. Curtains currently have more facebook fans than I do.

As of November 21, 2009:

Curtains = 651
Carlos Valencia = 145

That means curtains are more than four times more popular than I am. And I’m not talking about “Curtains” as in an underground experimental aggro-calypso band called “Curtains” or a quirky new indie movie starring Michael Cera called “Curtains”. I’m talking about Curtains, as in what gets hung up on the inside face of home windows when you’re too fancy to rig up old bed sheets or large cardboard cut-outs to block out the sun.

I’m not saying curtains aren’t awesome. I love a dark room just as much as the next guy. 95% of my indoor activities would be severely limited if it weren’t for the ability to keep people from witnessing and judging the legality of what I do at home. I’m just saying it might improve my chances of booking a television special if I can tell the HBO executives that I’m a bigger draw than curtains. It’s not a good thing when the most crowd-pleasing part of your show is the thirty minutes before the theater drapery is drawn.

So if you haven’t already, add me on the fan page. That’s if you love me more than curtains, of course.

facebook.com/carlosvalenciafans

Usually curtains open for a comic, but if this trend continues soon I'll be opening for them.

(Originally Posted 11/21/09)


Obama: Worst Maid EVER.

Here’s my hypothesis…

Perhaps because most wealthy Republicans are used to hiring brown people to do it for them, they’re not very familiar with the clean-up process. They have a very limited concept of how long it takes and how much work goes into cleaning up a mess. All they know is brown people can and are supposed to clean up the messes they’ve made in a fast and efficient manner, otherwise they’re fired.

So that’s why after George W. Bush took an eight year shit on America, they expect Obama to have it cleaned up in nine months.

What do you mean you're not done sweeping the Empire State Building? It's been 8 minutes already!

 

Originally Posted (10/10/09)


Excalibur vs. Experian!

I got an offer in the mail to try out “Credit Protector” free for a month and I’d get $20 off on gas. So I figured “I use gas. I’ll sign up for this, get my $20 and cancel before the month is up.” Easy twenty bucks (and about 4 gallons of gas).

So when the time came I called up customer service to cancel, but the lady that answered kept trying to convince me not to cancel. I didn’t want to tell her I had just signed up to get the $20 gas rebate, for fear of sounding like a broke ass, so I tried to play along… for a while at least…

her: “Are you sure you want to cancel Credit Protector, sir?”

me: “yeah, pretty much”

her: “why?”

me: “..I just don’t think I need it”

her: “Do you know that over 5 million people in America get their identities stolen every year? Once they steal your identity they can buy things under your name and ruin your credit.”

me: “yeah, but I want to cancel though…”

her: “Sir, if you keep the Credit Protector program you’ll be insured against identity theft and you’ll get to review your credit report to check for unauthorized purchasing activity.”

me: “right, I don’t want to pay for Credit Protector though…”

her: “So if you cancel, how are you going to protect your credit?”

me: “with a sword?”

her: “Ok, good night, sir.”

 

(Originally Posted 2/8/05)


WuT dA FuKK iZ WrONg WiT U!!

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I saw this entry on somebody’s blog today and I had to post it on mine. It’s just interesting to me that there are people who talk and write like this without a hint of irony. It looks like a joke but this is how they actually talk and type out their thoughts. Me and this guy share the same planet…I can hardly accept we’re on the same plane of reality. The more I live the more I honestly start to believe I don’t belong here.

(Originally Posted 3/12/04)