This is why I love when people share my Facebook/Twitter posts. At this point anybody that still follows me on either of those is pretty familiar with my sense of humor or is pretty open minded about my nonsense, so I’m basically preaching to the choir. But when they share my posts on their page the audience for the jokes expands to their friends, family, and coworkers, many of which don’t find me amusing in the least. And it couldn’t make me more giddy.
Last year I finally made good on my mission to have at least one Facebook and Twitter update every day. I may have missed a handful of dates, but I made up for it eventually. I was planning on posting them all on this blog post, but I soon realized it would just take too long, so I only did January-March. Whether I ever post April-December remains to be seen. I intend to, but I’ve intended to do many things that never got done – like being successful. For now the following is a mixed compendium (I like that word) of my Facebook and Twitter updates from January 1 through March 31 2012. Some are funny, some aren’t, and many may not make any sense (You had to be there, man).
– New Year’s Day is like my day-after-Xmas. It’s when I usually return all the gifts I got the night before. Namely:Alcohol. Thru:My Butthole.
– Say what you will about deaf people…really, go ahead, they won’t hear you. (more…)
This is a compilation of most of my facebook and twitter updates of 2011. I don’t foresee anybody wanting to read all this, but I do foresee my memory of happenings past getting progressively worse as I drink my way to comedy anonymity, so this might help me remember how things were when I still had half a working liver. Enjoy?
– Douchebags unite! and jump off a cliff.
– Watching Top Chef All-Stars. They’re sending the contestants off on a boat with fishing rods. This episode reminds of Mitch Hedberg… “OK, you’re a cook, can you Fish???”
– My new business card didn’t come out that great. I think I’m just gonna give it away.
– Vanilla Ice got injured ice skating rehearsing for “Dancing On Ice”, I guess you could say… something witty involving ice. Am I Right!
– Walking over to the Skull to see the great Ms. Maria Bamford. Unless I slip on some ice and break a hip. Then I’ll crawl over to see her.
– If I ever deem “I’m tired” to be worthy of a status update. I don’t think I’ll ever have to update my status again.
– I decline invitations to facebook events so quickly, sometimes I find myself “Not Attending” events I’m actually in.
– “Laughter without philosophy woven into it is but a sneeze at humor. Genuine humor is replete with wisdom, and if a piece of humor is to last, it must do two things. It must teach and it must preach – not professedly. If it does those two things professedly, all is lost. But if it does them effectively, that piece of humor will last forever – which is 30 years.” – Mark Twain.
Alright, check it out people. Curtains currently have more facebook fans than I do.
As of November 21, 2009:
Curtains = 651
Carlos Valencia = 145
That means curtains are more than four times more popular than I am. And I’m not talking about “Curtains” as in an underground experimental aggro-calypso band called “Curtains” or a quirky new indie movie starring Michael Cera called “Curtains”. I’m talking about Curtains, as in what gets hung up on the inside face of home windows when you’re too fancy to rig up old bed sheets or large cardboard cut-outs to block out the sun.
I’m not saying curtains aren’t awesome. I love a dark room just as much as the next guy. 95% of my indoor activities would be severely limited if it weren’t for the ability to keep people from witnessing and judging the legality of what I do at home. I’m just saying it might improve my chances of booking a television special if I can tell the HBO executives that I’m a bigger draw than curtains. It’s not a good thing when the most crowd-pleasing part of your show is the thirty minutes before the theater drapery is drawn.
So if you haven’t already, add me on the fan page. That’s if you love me more than curtains, of course.
(Originally Posted 11/21/09)