If you like my comedy and are a fan of the Bachelorette…well then you have very confusing taste, but perhaps you’ll enjoy this. A couple of weeks ago I was asked by Charlotte’s Creative Loafing magazine to submit some comments about the television show “The Bachelorette” for a feature article they were writing about it. See, this year’s bachelorette is a Charlotte native and they did a good portion of the filming around town. This was all news to me. I tend to keep up with reality show happenings about as much as I keep up with other people’s fecal droppings. And am just as disgusted by both.
I accepted the assignment and actually forced myself to sit down to watch the first two episodes of this magnificent pile of shit. THREE hours worth. It’s quite possibly the worst thing I’ve ever spent that much time watching. With “Faces of Death” coming in at number 2. Both document the deterioration of human civilization, but while “Faces of Death” shows you people dying, “The Bachelorette” makes you wish you were dead.
The article came out this week and if you want to check it out just follow this link: The Bachelorette: The Queen City sells out in the name of love
I submitted around a dozen quotes, but they only used a couple. Here they are along with some of the ones they didn’t use:
“The Bachelorette is the tragic story of a rich single white mother of wealthy upbringing struggling to raise a child in the slums of one of the most expensive neighborhoods in Charlotte.”
“Will wealth, good looks, and fame be enough to overcome the heartbreaking struggles she faces every day? If not, then shoving her daughter into the media spotlight ought to do the trick.”
“According to sage Chris Harrison ‘All of America is hoping the time has finally come for Emily to find true love again and complete her family’. And here I thought what all of America was hoping for was a better economy and job security so they could be assured of the ability to provide for themselves and their families. I hope the presidential candidates are paying attention.”
“When they started arriving at the mansion, I thought the limousines were full of wild jungle apes from the whooping and hollering emanating from inside them. I was right.”
“There was a ray of hope for a second towards the end of the contestant introductions when it seemed FEMA had finally sent a chopper to assist the disaster in progress. Turns out the helicopter was just dropping another turd (Kalon).”
“It was nice of the producers to showcase some of WSOC’s hard-hitting journalism as Scott Wickersham did a totally non-staged report doing a fly-over above the Bachelorette mansion. The Pulitzer has never been so close, Channel 9.”
“Bachelor Randy decided to introduce himself to Emily by dressing up like his grandmother. I’m guessing he was going for the ‘creep her the fuck out’ approach. Cause nothing says ‘psycho’ like dressing up like the psycho from the movie Psycho.”
“Towards the beginning of the second episode they gave out a ‘date card’, not sure what that is, but when it happened you could overhear one of the bachelors stating that things just ‘got real’. So if you’re a fan of the bachelorette but hate phoniness… then actually you’re just a walking contradiction.”
“In episode 2 Emily had the bachelors participate in a variety show, because what better way to find out if a man is fit to be a good father to your child than making sure they can pull off a solid song-and-dance routine. It’s a widely recognized fact that Vaudevillians and carnies have always made the best parents.”
“I was glad to see the Muppets in the second episode. Finally some characters on the show with an actual soul and personality.”
“If you pay close enough attention during the Bachelorette Muppet variety show you can hear a dull rumbling sound in the background. That’s Jim Henson turning in his grave.”
I was mentioned in an article in the most prestigious stand-up comedy arts journal in the United States… foreigners, if any Americans tell you otherwise, they’re lying.
They compare me to some Hedberg guy. Never heard of him, but I’d like to meet him some time. If he’s anything like me, he can’t be that bad.
There’s a picture of me in there too, well the back of me. I’m the one wearing the hat sitting at just about the right height to make Joe Zimmerman’s set the greatest he’s ever had.
(Originally Posted 6/15/06)