Sex, Drugs, and Comedy… not much sex though, or drugs… ok just Comedy.

Posts tagged “comedian

Beer Brings Left and Right Together

Via CNN.com

No shit, they call it double-vision.


McDonald’s Nixes Tiny Cages For Pigs

Via: CNN.com

I support this decision, but I think it’s going to be tough to put into practice. Even though bigger is definitely preferable, I expect a lot of McDonald’s customers are still going to resist being caged.

Fortunately, McDonald’s customers shouldn’t be that hard to bait using the old Big Mac and stick trick.


Sandusky can see grandchildren…

Sandusky Can See Most of his Grandchildren, Judge Rules.

Somebody’s getting laid this week!

I’m not sure if the “Judge Rules” part of the headline was inserted by the editor of the article, or if they were just quoting Sandusky after he heard the news..”Judge Rules!”


It’s Possible That Nobody Wins…

It’s Possible That Nobody Wins the 2012 GOP Nomination

I think it’s safe to say regardless of who gets the nomination, nobody is going to win.


For Icelandic Lovers, An Incest Database

For Icelandic Lovers, An Incest Database

I feel this would be a hit in West Virginia too, but for different reasons.

They always use their best picture on their profile.


37 Killed At South Sudan Peace Meeting.

37 Killed At South Sudan Peace Meeting.

I’m guessing this all happened before they got to the “Let’s stop shooting at each other” section of the agenda.

 

U.N. Meeting Moderator: “Welcome gentlemen, we are here to discuss a peace treaty between two warring factions. Warring Faction Warlord #1 what is your peace proposal?”

Warring Faction Warlord #1: *BANG!*

U.N. Meeting Moderator:Warring Faction Warlord #1 suggests “Bullet through the chest”. Warring Faction Warlord #2, do you accept this proposal?

Warring Faction Warlord Number #2: *BANG!*

U.N. Peacekeeping Moderator: I’ll take that as a “Yes”. Meeting adjourned. Damn, I’m Good.

An exhilarated soldier upon hearing how quickly both parties came to an agreement. (He was shot five seconds later)


2011. A Year That Was Twelve Months.

 

This is a compilation of most of my facebook and twitter updates of 2011. I don’t foresee anybody wanting to read all this, but I do foresee my memory of happenings past getting progressively worse as I drink my way to comedy anonymity, so this might help me remember how things were when I still had half a working liver. Enjoy?

JANUARY

– Douchebags unite! and jump off a cliff.

– Watching Top Chef All-Stars. They’re sending the contestants off on a boat with fishing rods. This episode reminds of Mitch Hedberg… “OK, you’re a cook, can you Fish???”

– My new business card didn’t come out that great. I think I’m just gonna give it away.

– Vanilla Ice got injured ice skating rehearsing for “Dancing On Ice”, I guess you could say… something witty involving ice. Am I Right!

– Walking over to the Skull to see the great Ms. Maria Bamford. Unless I slip on some ice and break a hip. Then I’ll crawl over to see her.

– If I ever deem “I’m tired” to be worthy of a status update. I don’t think I’ll ever have to update my status again.

– I decline invitations to facebook events so quickly, sometimes I find myself “Not Attending” events I’m actually in.

– “Laughter without philosophy woven into it is but a sneeze at humor. Genuine humor is replete with wisdom, and if a piece of humor is to last, it must do two things. It must teach and it must preach – not professedly. If it does those two things professedly, all is lost. But if it does them effectively, that piece of humor will last forever – which is 30 years.” – Mark Twain.

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My First Time Doing Stand-up Comedy

For years I’d been trying to pin down the date of when I first did stand-up comedy. I knew it was in early August of 2005, at a comedy competition called the Carnival Cruise Challenge in Charlotte, NC; but I could never get down to the exact date. It was about another two months before I got on stage again and started seriously doing stand-up on a regular basis, but officially, that day in August was my first time doing stand-up.

A few months ago while I was looking at old blogs to populate this one, I ended up running into a blog I kept for years before I started doing stand-up. And to my surprise I found an entry where I mentioned my first time doing comedy. Unfortunately, I stopped updating the blog pretty soon afterwards, so I’m not sure when I did stand-up again after that, but I was finally able to pin-point the date of my first ever stand-up performance. (more…)


A Poem For The Ladies

“Baby, you may not be the most beautiful girl in the world,
but your ugliness is tolerable.
Baby, some may say your lazy eye is kinda creepy,
but I think they just need to look at you from the left side.
Baby, some may say your missing teeth make you look like a methhead
but I say..two out of three ain’t bad.”


Five Years of Chuckle Time.

Exactly about five years ago this month I started performing stand-up comedy. My first performance was at the now defunct uptown Charlotte Comedy Zone in the preliminary round of a now defunct comedy competition called the Carnival Comedy Challenge. It was set up so they would hold auditions on Monday, some in the afternoon, some in the evening, and from there they would select ten comics to perform the next day in the finals.

I was in the afternoon heat of participants. My cousin came with me. While we were there we looked through the Comedy Zone food menu, and having no money looked for the cheapest thing there. That was the origin of a joke that sadly is not yet defunct, and I still tell five years later. (more…)


It’s Curtains for Me.

Alright, check it out people. Curtains currently have more facebook fans than I do.

As of November 21, 2009:

Curtains = 651
Carlos Valencia = 145

That means curtains are more than four times more popular than I am. And I’m not talking about “Curtains” as in an underground experimental aggro-calypso band called “Curtains” or a quirky new indie movie starring Michael Cera called “Curtains”. I’m talking about Curtains, as in what gets hung up on the inside face of home windows when you’re too fancy to rig up old bed sheets or large cardboard cut-outs to block out the sun.

I’m not saying curtains aren’t awesome. I love a dark room just as much as the next guy. 95% of my indoor activities would be severely limited if it weren’t for the ability to keep people from witnessing and judging the legality of what I do at home. I’m just saying it might improve my chances of booking a television special if I can tell the HBO executives that I’m a bigger draw than curtains. It’s not a good thing when the most crowd-pleasing part of your show is the thirty minutes before the theater drapery is drawn.

So if you haven’t already, add me on the fan page. That’s if you love me more than curtains, of course.

facebook.com/carlosvalenciafans

Usually curtains open for a comic, but if this trend continues soon I'll be opening for them.

(Originally Posted 11/21/09)


Obama: Worst Maid EVER.

Here’s my hypothesis…

Perhaps because most wealthy Republicans are used to hiring brown people to do it for them, they’re not very familiar with the clean-up process. They have a very limited concept of how long it takes and how much work goes into cleaning up a mess. All they know is brown people can and are supposed to clean up the messes they’ve made in a fast and efficient manner, otherwise they’re fired.

So that’s why after George W. Bush took an eight year shit on America, they expect Obama to have it cleaned up in nine months.

What do you mean you're not done sweeping the Empire State Building? It's been 8 minutes already!

 

Originally Posted (10/10/09)


Give me Healthcare or give me Death.

How about we get rid of medicare, medicaid, public schools, highways, police departments, fire departments, state universities, social security, national parks, public libraries, public transportation, and running water. Cause apparently it’s better to have nothing at all than to let the government run anything.

The government is bureaucratic and wasteful, but I’ll take that over no health care at all. If HMO bureaucracy is more your cup of tea, go for it. If you love paying through the roof rates to private health insurance companies that will fight tooth and nail to find a way to deny you when you’re in need of coverage, knock yourself out. Nobody’s taking that away from you. Just let the rest of us have a chance to be able to afford health care for once.

Go to Canada, or Britain, or anywhere where they have socialized health care, and tell me how many would trade our current system for theirs. If you find more than 1% I’d be honestly surprised.

(Originally Posted 8/8/09)


Excalibur vs. Experian!

I got an offer in the mail to try out “Credit Protector” free for a month and I’d get $20 off on gas. So I figured “I use gas. I’ll sign up for this, get my $20 and cancel before the month is up.” Easy twenty bucks (and about 4 gallons of gas).

So when the time came I called up customer service to cancel, but the lady that answered kept trying to convince me not to cancel. I didn’t want to tell her I had just signed up to get the $20 gas rebate, for fear of sounding like a broke ass, so I tried to play along… for a while at least…

her: “Are you sure you want to cancel Credit Protector, sir?”

me: “yeah, pretty much”

her: “why?”

me: “..I just don’t think I need it”

her: “Do you know that over 5 million people in America get their identities stolen every year? Once they steal your identity they can buy things under your name and ruin your credit.”

me: “yeah, but I want to cancel though…”

her: “Sir, if you keep the Credit Protector program you’ll be insured against identity theft and you’ll get to review your credit report to check for unauthorized purchasing activity.”

me: “right, I don’t want to pay for Credit Protector though…”

her: “So if you cancel, how are you going to protect your credit?”

me: “with a sword?”

her: “Ok, good night, sir.”

 

(Originally Posted 2/8/05)


WuT dA FuKK iZ WrONg WiT U!!

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I saw this entry on somebody’s blog today and I had to post it on mine. It’s just interesting to me that there are people who talk and write like this without a hint of irony. It looks like a joke but this is how they actually talk and type out their thoughts. Me and this guy share the same planet…I can hardly accept we’re on the same plane of reality. The more I live the more I honestly start to believe I don’t belong here.

(Originally Posted 3/12/04)


Wisconsin Law Bans Sex with Dead Bodies

Wisconsin Law Bans Sex with Dead Bodies

I regret to announce to all my fans in Wisconsin that I’ve been forced to cancel all my dates in your state. I regret having to do it, but due to changing circumstances it is no longer feasible for me to make the trip to your once great, very tolerant state. Perhaps at some point you’ll have a referendum and overturn the fascist regulations of your state legislature. Until then, unfortunately, I’m afraid it just isn’t worth the trip.

(Originally Posted 7/10/08)


“Dickblowers”: Worst Comedy Club Ever.

Every now and again somebody will ask what my worst road story is, and I tell them about the time I once performed at a show, got paid afterward, went to the hotel and left the next day. That’s probably my worst road story because of how lame it is.

Then there’s others who ask what my worst gig was or what’s the worst club I’ve ever worked for. Well they’re both one and the same. “Dickblowers” in my uncle’s basement. Worst club ever, worst gig ever! No emcee, awful lighting, no sound system, but that’s not even the worst of it… (more…)


Fun Facts Found In the Bible!

.

 

(Originally Posted 6/10/08)


Bringing Unsettling Creepiness Back

The prestigious Mountain Xpress of Asheville just published an article about the recent Asheville show I performed in, and I’m proud to say I was mentioned more than once in the article. Like almost three times. I’d like to share my favorite excerpt as written by renowned comedy critic Alli Marshall.

“Comedians tend to ride that line between humorous and creepy, but Valencia edges closer to creepy for me. Then again, his MySpace quote is “Bringing unsettling creepiness back” — mission accomplished!”

If that’s not a bio worthy blurb, I don’t know what is!

Marshall was more of a fan of the comedian who did an impression of bluegrass music. Coincidentally, comedic bluegrass impressions are the one thing that without fail creep me out every.single.time.

(Originally Posted 10/16/07)


Tapeworm of the Vagina

I never fill out surveys/chain letters, but I think I’ve come up with one I can tolerate…

1. Do you like filling out surveys? No.

 

*Repost this or you’ll get tapeworm of the vagina. If you’re a male, you’ll get tapeworm of the vagina. If you’re a female you’ll get tapeworm of the vagina. Your children will probably get tapeworm of the vagina too. And your Grandma. Gramps will be OK. But how long do you think Gramps is gonna stick around surrounded by a family full of tapeworm of the vagina? He’s got his prostate to deal with, he can’t be bothered with all your needy decaying vaginas. His time is ticking away. He’s going to Vegas. If he’s gonna have to deal with diseased vaginas, they better be attached to some smoking hot hookers attached to some industrial size silicone balloons. Go Grampa, Go! Granted Grandma looked pretty bangin’ back in her day, remember how you checked out her bod when you thought she wasn’t looking? Don’t deny it. But you and Grampa know those times are long gone. The grandchildren were starting to look pretty cute too, but not cute enough to risk tapeworm of the vagina. Now they’ll never know the ecstasy of that sweet Grampa lovin. And why? All because of you. Best regards to your tapeworm.

(Originally Posted 6/23/07)


My Date with Lindsay Lohan

Before any rumors get started, I just wanted to say Lindsay just happened to be very sleepy that night. I’m neither trying to punch her then, nor did I punch her in the face previous to the taking of this picture.

Also I want to make clear Lindsay and I are only friends. With Paris gone for a while, I found myself one skinny drunken whore short to party with, and Lindsay has filled Paris’ gap very well….hey! I’m sure this isn’t the first time Paris’ gap has gotten filled, ifyouknowwhatImean! Like the gap between her legs, I mean…cause it’s always getting filled with a penis…cause she’s a whore is what I’m saying. Get it!

(Originally Posted 6/6/07)


Fuck Me With Your Cheeto Penis!

I bought a bag of Cheetos, and I came upon a Cheeto shaped in the form of the male member. Naturally, I saved it, took a picture, and posted it on my blog.

I added graphics to the picture to further illustrate my contention that the cheeto at hand concurs with the shape of the commonly accepted representation of male genitalia.

A close-up:


I hope everyone appreciates the effort I put into this blog posting. It took a lot of patience and will power. I can’t tell you how bad I wanted to just put it in my mouth…because Cheetos are delicious I mean! not, in a gay way or anything!! I just like putting Cheetos in my mouth and sucking the flavor out of those little cheese manrods of goodness, but in a totally Hetero way! You know what I mean?

(Originally Posted 5/21/07)


Emo Hairstyles vs. Badasses

These are my rendition of what a few well known badasses would look like if they were to adopt the trendy emo hairstyle. It’s a social experiment really. All things being equal, can one still maintain the same level of badassness while sporting hair that effectively drains your virility and credibility as a male?

My opinion: They look significantly less badass, but considerably more fuckable.

You be the judge.

Charles Bronson

Charles Bronson

He fulfilled his death wish by cutting himself.

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Let Satan Into Your Soul

I found this image kinda scary, so I took a picture of it.

It’s frightening for several reasons. Look at the woman’s pasty white skin, a tell-tale sign of the undead. Look at her hair and her choice of clothing. What woman in her right mind would wear her hair like that? This “person” is obviously trying to impersonate a human being, or what they believe a human being should look like. But their lack of experience among the living prohibits them from doing it effectively. For all we know this so-called “woman” could very well be a man. (more…)