Sex, Drugs, and Comedy… not much sex though, or drugs… ok just Comedy.

Posts tagged “comedian

Enemy Combatant? Who gives a shit.

I don’t get why there was a push to label the Boston bomber dude as an “Enemy Combatant” or categorize the bomb he used as a WMD. At the end of the day he’s still just gonna spend the rest of his life in prison being fed and getting free health care, which is more than I can get, or at worst he’ll get a pretty cushy ride out of this world through a lethal injection.

How about we just call him Asshole.

Unless there’s a charge that carries a sentence of “Confinement in a bunker with an explosive pressure cooker full of nails and ball bearings”, any label you put on the guy is meaningless and pointless.

That said, whatever label they do decide to put on the guy will likely be way easier to pronounce than his actual name.


Carlos Valencia’s Potato Chips.

Most comics will lie to you and tell you they got into stand-up because of how much they appreciate the art form, or because it helps exorcise their inner demons, or because they love making people laugh. The truth is we all get into this for the same reason – in the hopes that some day we’ll have our face printed on the front of a bag of potato chips.

One day my face will be on a bag of empanada flavored taters. You’ll see. Dare to dream.

I'm holding off for Bacon Cheeseburger flavor.


MTV Shocked People They Pay To Be Stupid Die

Shain Gandee from the MTV show “BUCKWILD” has been found dead. So long, the cure for cancer. Somebody notify the Nobel Prize committee there is one less name to take into consideration.

Nobel Prize in Squirrel Eradication

All (some) joking aside, MTV says they are “shocked and saddened” by Shain’s death. If they meant that as an April Fools joke then kudos to them, they got me and you can dismiss the rest of this post. But if they didn’t… (more…)


Dark Side of Comedy Tour

If you live in Fort Lauderdale or Valdosta, GA  I’ve got a couple of shows coming up this week March 7-9 that I’m excited about because they will be the first two of what I’m trying to bill as the “Dark Side of Comedy” tour, for lack of a better name. I would’ve called it the “Uptight Cunts Stay Away” tour, but that just wouldn’t be as marketable. As the name implies there’s gonna be some dark/offensive/edgy jokes told at the show, so if you like that kind of shit then come out to one of the shows.

If you don’t live anywhere near those places though, get on my mailing list and I’ll let you know when I’ll be closer. I usually only send about one email a month so I won’t be clogging your inbox with spam. Oh and if you’re already on my mailing list and didn’t get an email from me last month, check your spam folder or add me to your contacts or something. Fix it! To get on my mailing list you can click at the top of the page where it says “Mailing List” or you can just click on the link below:

http://eepurl.com/vbh3P


2012. A Year I Said Things In. Part 1.

Last year I finally made good on my mission to have at least one Facebook and Twitter update every day. I may have missed a handful of dates, but I made up for it eventually. I was planning on posting them all on this blog post, but I soon realized it would just take too long, so I only did January-March. Whether I ever post April-December remains to be seen. I intend to, but I’ve intended to do many things that never got done – like being successful. For now the following is a mixed compendium (I like that word) of my Facebook and Twitter updates from January 1 through March 31 2012. Some are funny, some aren’t, and many may not make any sense (You had to be there, man).

JANUARY

- New Year’s Day is like my day-after-Xmas. It’s when I usually return all the gifts I got the night before. Namely:Alcohol. Thru:My Butthole.

- Say what you will about deaf people…really, go ahead, they won’t hear you. (more…)


Big Stink Holiday Gift: Reduxxx

After I posted about giving away one of my sets from the Big Stink Comedy Tour I had quite a few people that weren’t at the Stanhope shows ask for a set as well. My original plan was to make a best-of compilation of all the shows and make that available, but knowing me, we’ll be doing the 20-year Big Stink Reunion Tour in front of Stanhope’s mummified body before I get to putting that together. So instead what I’m gonna do is send everybody who wants one, a copy of whatever set I think sucked the least.

The catch is you gotta e-mail me at carlosVcomedy@gmail.com with your name and city, and by doing so you will be added to my mailing list. If that’s a weight worth bearing for you then hit me up. But hit me up this week. I’d like to get this done while I’m still motivated and in a giving mood. Oh and type BIG STINK on the subject line so your e-mail doesn’t get lost among all the Pottery Barn and Yankee Candle newsletters I receive every day. Even if you already hit me up, hit me up again just to make sure. I won’t hold it against you. Not unless you want me to.

 

I was insinuating rubbing my penis against you in those last few sentences, by the way.

 


Thanksgiving and 15 Weeks on the Road.

Eat Me

I'm Delicious.

I’m thankful for my first week off since August. Despite still being shunned by the biggest comedy chain in the region I still managed to put together 15 straight weeks of road work. 12 states, 36 cities, and I don’t know how many shows. That’s not much for some, but it’s a big deal for me. I’m not mentioning it to brag, but to put it forth as evidence to other comics still beating their head against the wall trying to get in with a particular booker, that no one agency/booker/club, no matter how big they are, can shut you down. If one agency refuses to book you then just make it happen some other way. There’s dozens of other bookers, plenty of other clubs, hundreds of independent venues. As much as some bookers may think of themselves as the be-all and end-all of comedy, just because one person thinks you suck it doesn’t mean that they are right.

 
If everybody you meet thinks you suck though, then yeah, maybe it would be a good idea to look into some other lines of work where being funny isn’t necessarily a job requirement – like improv.


Big Stink Christmas Gift from Santa Carlos.

"Sit on my lap..."

I posted this on my Facebook page, and some people seemed to be interested, so I’m expanding the offer on my website as well. Earlier this year I did a run of shows opening for Doug Stanhope on his Big Stink Comedy Tour. More on that here: Big Stink Comedy Tour on Laughspin.com.

Doug Stanhope's Big Stink Comedy Tour

Storming the Southeast like Sherman.

Before the tour started, I bought an audio recorder and a lapel mic so I could record all my sets from the tour. I missed a couple of shows but I’d say I got about 90% of them. Mostly I just wanted to record my sets for me to review later, and if they didn’t come out too shitty I might try to make an album of it at some point.

Well the audio did indeed come out pretty shitty and it’s gonna take some work to compile it into something worthy of putting on an album, if that’s even a possibility. However, I thought it might be a good idea to offer the raw unedited audio to anybody who came out to see a show back in August.

I’m giving the sets away for free, so hopefully that will temper any complaints I might have gotten because of the quality of the recordings. In most of the recordings you can hear my voice fine, but because the mic was clipped to my coat and I have a nasty habit of crossing my arms during my performances you can hear a lot of popping and crackling while I’m telling my jokes. Also, in most instances, because the mic is so much closer to me than it is to the audience, you can’t hear much of a crowd reaction to my jokes. You could argue that the reason you can’t hear much crowd reaction is because most of my jokes aren’t crowd reaction worthy, but it makes me feel better to say you can’t hear the audience because the venue was too large for my little mic to pick up all the laughter.

Keep in mind, my material/segways/pronunciation isn’t always at its sharpest because I was drinking through most of these shows, but in my defense, most of the crowds weren’t completely sober either.

So anyway, if you were at one of the Stanhope shows back in August and you enjoyed my set as well, send me an e-mail at carlosVcomedy@gmail.com with your name and the city you saw the show in. Type “BIG STINK” on the subject line too so I don’t risk missing your e-mail as I read through the throngs of fan mail I get every day. On a related note, it’s funny how many of my fans send me hundreds of emails just to offer me Viagra and Cialis.

When I get all the files in order I’ll upload them somewhere and email you a link to download it. I’ll try to get the files out before Christmas. No promises though. Unless you send me a gift too, then I’ll try a little harder. Otherwise, you get what you paid for.

Happy Holidays.

 

PS. I don’t care if you copy, share, burn, or rip any of the sets, but keep in mind the thing I said about some venues not being ideal for picking up audience reaction. So if you have any audio editing skills, do me a solid and insert some over-the-top laugh track action between my jokes before you share it with your friends.


CNN.com Headlines. 4/3/12

It's getting so bad I can't even drink it anymore.

According to Billy Joel, no.

They're called chalk outlines. They actually draw them pretty often whenever there's a murder.

(more…)


CNN.com Headlines. 2/22/12

You say "Please" after you tell them to "Stop being so fucking dumb"

 

If by "play Liz Taylor" you mean "be a dead actress", then I'd guess Yes.

 

I don't know. Give me a minute. I'll google it.

 


CNN.com Headlines. 2/17/12

They just mean the one in the lobby. It’s going to get water two times a day now. Which is twice as much as the workers in the manufacturing plant get. Apple can afford to do this by watering the plants with the recycled sweat and tears of their exploited Chinese employees.

Of course they back santorum. Santorum = anal sex = less pregnancies = less abortions.

(more…)


Beer Brings Left and Right Together

Via CNN.com

No shit, they call it double-vision.


McDonald’s Nixes Tiny Cages For Pigs

Via: CNN.com

I support this decision, but I think it’s going to be tough to put into practice. Even though bigger is definitely preferable, I expect a lot of McDonald’s customers are still going to resist being caged.

Fortunately, McDonald’s customers shouldn’t be that hard to bait using the old Big Mac and stick trick.


Sandusky can see grandchildren…

Sandusky Can See Most of his Grandchildren, Judge Rules.

Somebody’s getting laid this week!

I’m not sure if the “Judge Rules” part of the headline was inserted by the editor of the article, or if they were just quoting Sandusky after he heard the news..”Judge Rules!”


It’s Possible That Nobody Wins…

It’s Possible That Nobody Wins the 2012 GOP Nomination

I think it’s safe to say regardless of who gets the nomination, nobody is going to win.


For Icelandic Lovers, An Incest Database

For Icelandic Lovers, An Incest Database

I feel this would be a hit in West Virginia too, but for different reasons.

They always use their best picture on their profile.


37 Killed At South Sudan Peace Meeting.

37 Killed At South Sudan Peace Meeting.

I’m guessing this all happened before they got to the “Let’s stop shooting at each other” section of the agenda.

 

U.N. Meeting Moderator: “Welcome gentlemen, we are here to discuss a peace treaty between two warring factions. Warring Faction Warlord #1 what is your peace proposal?”

Warring Faction Warlord #1: *BANG!*

U.N. Meeting Moderator:Warring Faction Warlord #1 suggests “Bullet through the chest”. Warring Faction Warlord #2, do you accept this proposal?

Warring Faction Warlord Number #2: *BANG!*

U.N. Peacekeeping Moderator: I’ll take that as a “Yes”. Meeting adjourned. Damn, I’m Good.

An exhilarated soldier upon hearing how quickly both parties came to an agreement. (He was shot five seconds later)


2011. A Year That Was Twelve Months.

 

This is a compilation of most of my facebook and twitter updates of 2011. I don’t foresee anybody wanting to read all this, but I do foresee my memory of happenings past getting progressively worse as I drink my way to comedy anonymity, so this might help me remember how things were when I still had half a working liver. Enjoy?

JANUARY

- Douchebags unite! and jump off a cliff.

- Watching Top Chef All-Stars. They’re sending the contestants off on a boat with fishing rods. This episode reminds of Mitch Hedberg… “OK, you’re a cook, can you Fish???”

- My new business card didn’t come out that great. I think I’m just gonna give it away.

- Vanilla Ice got injured ice skating rehearsing for “Dancing On Ice”, I guess you could say… something witty involving ice. Am I Right!

- Walking over to the Skull to see the great Ms. Maria Bamford. Unless I slip on some ice and break a hip. Then I’ll crawl over to see her.

- If I ever deem “I’m tired” to be worthy of a status update. I don’t think I’ll ever have to update my status again.

- I decline invitations to facebook events so quickly, sometimes I find myself “Not Attending” events I’m actually in.

- “Laughter without philosophy woven into it is but a sneeze at humor. Genuine humor is replete with wisdom, and if a piece of humor is to last, it must do two things. It must teach and it must preach – not professedly. If it does those two things professedly, all is lost. But if it does them effectively, that piece of humor will last forever – which is 30 years.” – Mark Twain.

(more…)


My First Time Doing Stand-up Comedy

For years I’d been trying to pin down the date of when I first did stand-up comedy. I knew it was in early August of 2005, at a comedy competition called the Carnival Cruise Challenge in Charlotte, NC; but I could never get down to the exact date. It was about another two months before I got on stage again and started seriously doing stand-up on a regular basis, but officially, that day in August was my first time doing stand-up.

A few months ago while I was looking at old blogs to populate this one, I ended up running into a blog I kept for years before I started doing stand-up. And to my surprise I found an entry where I mentioned my first time doing comedy. Unfortunately, I stopped updating the blog pretty soon afterwards, so I’m not sure when I did stand-up again after that, but I was finally able to pin-point the date of my first ever stand-up performance. (more…)


A Poem For The Ladies

“Baby, you may not be the most beautiful girl in the world,
but your ugliness is tolerable.
Baby, some may say your lazy eye is kinda creepy,
but I think they just need to look at you from the left side.
Baby, some may say your missing teeth make you look like a methhead
but I say..two out of three ain’t bad.”


Five Years of Chuckle Time.

Exactly about five years ago this month I started performing stand-up comedy. My first performance was at the now defunct uptown Charlotte Comedy Zone in the preliminary round of a now defunct comedy competition called the Carnival Comedy Challenge. It was set up so they would hold auditions on Monday, some in the afternoon, some in the evening, and from there they would select ten comics to perform the next day in the finals.

I was in the afternoon heat of participants. My cousin came with me. While we were there we looked through the Comedy Zone food menu, and having no money looked for the cheapest thing there. That was the origin of a joke that sadly is not yet defunct, and I still tell five years later. (more…)


It’s Curtains for Me.

Alright, check it out people. Curtains currently have more facebook fans than I do.

As of November 21, 2009:

Curtains = 651
Carlos Valencia = 145

That means curtains are more than four times more popular than I am. And I’m not talking about “Curtains” as in an underground experimental aggro-calypso band called “Curtains” or a quirky new indie movie starring Michael Cera called “Curtains”. I’m talking about Curtains, as in what gets hung up on the inside face of home windows when you’re too fancy to rig up old bed sheets or large cardboard cut-outs to block out the sun.

I’m not saying curtains aren’t awesome. I love a dark room just as much as the next guy. 95% of my indoor activities would be severely limited if it weren’t for the ability to keep people from witnessing and judging the legality of what I do at home. I’m just saying it might improve my chances of booking a television special if I can tell the HBO executives that I’m a bigger draw than curtains. It’s not a good thing when the most crowd-pleasing part of your show is the thirty minutes before the theater drapery is drawn.

So if you haven’t already, add me on the fan page. That’s if you love me more than curtains, of course.

facebook.com/carlosvalenciafans

Usually curtains open for a comic, but if this trend continues soon I'll be opening for them.

(Originally Posted 11/21/09)


Obama: Worst Maid EVER.

Here’s my hypothesis…

Perhaps because most wealthy Republicans are used to hiring brown people to do it for them, they’re not very familiar with the clean-up process. They have a very limited concept of how long it takes and how much work goes into cleaning up a mess. All they know is brown people can and are supposed to clean up the messes they’ve made in a fast and efficient manner, otherwise they’re fired.

So that’s why after George W. Bush took an eight year shit on America, they expect Obama to have it cleaned up in nine months.

What do you mean you're not done sweeping the Empire State Building? It's been 8 minutes already!

 

Originally Posted (10/10/09)


Give me Healthcare or give me Death.

How about we get rid of medicare, medicaid, public schools, highways, police departments, fire departments, state universities, social security, national parks, public libraries, public transportation, and running water. Cause apparently it’s better to have nothing at all than to let the government run anything.

The government is bureaucratic and wasteful, but I’ll take that over no health care at all. If HMO bureaucracy is more your cup of tea, go for it. If you love paying through the roof rates to private health insurance companies that will fight tooth and nail to find a way to deny you when you’re in need of coverage, knock yourself out. Nobody’s taking that away from you. Just let the rest of us have a chance to be able to afford health care for once.

Go to Canada, or Britain, or anywhere where they have socialized health care, and tell me how many would trade our current system for theirs. If you find more than 1% I’d be honestly surprised.

(Originally Posted 8/8/09)