Sex, Drugs, and Comedy… not much sex though, or drugs… ok just Comedy.

Posts tagged “carlos valencia

The Elite Masturbaters

tl;dr: If I put together a comedy tour what would be a good name for it?

I’ve never been a big fan of stand-up comedy tours. I don’t mind that they exist, I’ve just never wanted to join one. Fortunately, most haven’t wanted me to join them either, so it’s worked out pretty well.

Lately though I’ve been looking into putting together an independent run of shows and perhaps bringing a friend or two with me, so I figured if I’m gonna do that, why not give the tour a name too.

The “Comic you’ve never heard of, along with two of his pals that you’ve never heard of either” Tour isn’t a very catchy name though. Also the “______ of Comedy” thing has been done to death, so I’m trying to avoid using that too.

Unfortunately, unless there’s some famous comics with major credits on the tour already, I think there’s gotta be an allusion to comedy in the title otherwise people will have no idea what type of show it is. The words “Comedy” or “Laugh” or “Joke” have to be in there somewhere. I’d love to call the tour something like the “Elite Masturbaters” but then I’d have to explain every time that we’re not an underground punk band or a bukkake sideshow. I also don’t want people to think they need to bring plastic sheets to the show because we may be some kind of jizz-based Gallagher parody act.

I also would like the title of the tour to convey some kind of hint as to what type of comedy will be presented, but not something so specific that people will only expect jokes about one particular subject. i.e. The Women Are Different from Men Comedy Tour, or the .44 Magnum Double Action Revolvers with Swing Out Cylinders of Comedy. Just something that conveys it’s not gonna be a “bring your grandma & kids” kind of show.

If you have any suggestions let me know. If I pick your suggestion you’ll get a free pass to one of the yet to be named’s comedy tour’s shows. So far the best I’ve got is the “I’m too lazy, and this probably is never gonna happen anyway” Tour.


The Bachelorette.

If you like my comedy and are a fan of the Bachelorette…well then you have very confusing taste, but perhaps you’ll enjoy this. A couple of weeks ago I was asked by Charlotte’s Creative Loafing magazine to submit some comments about the television show “The Bachelorette” for a feature article they were writing about it. See, this year’s bachelorette is a Charlotte native and they did a good portion of the filming around town. This was all news to me. I tend to keep up with reality show happenings about as much as I keep up with other people’s fecal droppings. And am just as disgusted by both.

I accepted the assignment and actually forced myself to sit down to watch the first two episodes of this magnificent pile of shit. THREE hours worth. It’s quite possibly the worst thing I’ve ever spent that much time watching. With “Faces of Death” coming in at number 2. Both document the deterioration of human civilization, but while “Faces of Death” shows you people dying, “The Bachelorette” makes you wish you were dead.

Coming Soon...

The article came out this week and if you want to check it out just follow this link: The Bachelorette: The Queen City sells out in the name of love

I submitted around a dozen quotes, but they only used a couple. Here they are along with some of the ones they didn’t use:

 

“The Bachelorette is the tragic story of a rich single white mother of wealthy upbringing struggling to raise a child in the slums of one of the most expensive neighborhoods in Charlotte.”

“Will wealth, good looks, and fame be enough to overcome the heartbreaking struggles she faces every day? If not, then shoving her daughter into the media spotlight ought to do the trick.”

“According to sage Chris Harrison ‘All of America is hoping the time has finally come for Emily to find true love again and complete her family’. And here I thought what all of America was hoping for was a better economy and job security so they could be assured of the ability to provide for themselves and their families. I hope the presidential candidates are paying attention.”

“When they started arriving at the mansion, I thought the limousines were full of wild jungle apes from the whooping and hollering emanating from inside them. I was right.”

There was a ray of hope for a second towards the end of the contestant introductions when it seemed FEMA had finally sent a chopper to assist the disaster in progress. Turns out the helicopter was just dropping another turd (Kalon).”

“It was nice of the producers to showcase some of WSOC’s hard-hitting journalism as Scott Wickersham did a totally non-staged report doing a fly-over above the Bachelorette mansion. The Pulitzer has never been so close, Channel 9.”

“Bachelor Randy decided to introduce himself to Emily by dressing up like his grandmother. I’m guessing he was going for the ‘creep her the fuck out’ approach. Cause nothing says ‘psycho’ like dressing up like the psycho from the movie Psycho.”

“Towards the beginning of the second episode they gave out a ‘date card’, not sure what that is, but when it happened you could overhear one of the bachelors stating that things just ‘got real’. So if you’re a fan of the bachelorette but hate phoniness… then actually you’re just a walking contradiction.”

“In episode 2 Emily had the bachelors participate in a variety show, because what better way to find out if a man is fit to be a good father to your child than making sure they can pull off a solid song-and-dance routine. It’s a widely recognized fact that Vaudevillians and carnies have always made the best parents.”

“I was glad to see the Muppets in the second episode. Finally some characters on the show with an actual soul and personality.”

“If you pay close enough attention during the Bachelorette Muppet variety show you can hear a dull rumbling sound in the background. That’s Jim Henson turning in his grave.”


CNN.com Headlines. 4/3/12

It's getting so bad I can't even drink it anymore.

According to Billy Joel, no.

They're called chalk outlines. They actually draw them pretty often whenever there's a murder.

(more…)


CNN.com Headlines. 2/23/12

or Robert Blake

Especially if your lover is called O.J. Simpson.

Yes! "But Carlos won't this just lead to you punching every kid in the face whenever you're at a restaurant?" YES!

(more…)


CNN.com Headlines. 2/22/12

You say "Please" after you tell them to "Stop being so fucking dumb"

 

If by "play Liz Taylor" you mean "be a dead actress", then I'd guess Yes.

 

I don't know. Give me a minute. I'll google it.

 


CNN.com Headlines. 2/17/12

They just mean the one in the lobby. It’s going to get water two times a day now. Which is twice as much as the workers in the manufacturing plant get. Apple can afford to do this by watering the plants with the recycled sweat and tears of their exploited Chinese employees.

Of course they back santorum. Santorum = anal sex = less pregnancies = less abortions.

(more…)


Beer Brings Left and Right Together

Via CNN.com

No shit, they call it double-vision.


Traffickers Prey On Children of Dump

Traffickers Pray On Children of Dump

This is a pretty grim article displaying another awful example of how shitty the world is, but I found at least one part of it entertaining. Part of the plan to help these kids is to provide them with cell phones so they can call home if they’re ever abducted. But hey, cell phones are expensive, so the lady running the program doesn’t just give them out arbitrarily:

“It sounds weird, but we gave the prettiest girls the cell phones first, they’re most at risk.”

In other words, “Sorry fatty, but who would want to rape You!”

I’m pretty sure the cutest girls get iPhones too, and it goes down from there. If you’re only moderately rapeable you get a Motorola pager. The real Uggos get a couple of cans and some string, well actually they don’t get that, but they’re told to go find some in the dump.

You must be at least this hot to get on this ride.

 


McDonald’s Nixes Tiny Cages For Pigs

Via: CNN.com

I support this decision, but I think it’s going to be tough to put into practice. Even though bigger is definitely preferable, I expect a lot of McDonald’s customers are still going to resist being caged.

Fortunately, McDonald’s customers shouldn’t be that hard to bait using the old Big Mac and stick trick.


Sandusky can see grandchildren…

Sandusky Can See Most of his Grandchildren, Judge Rules.

Somebody’s getting laid this week!

I’m not sure if the “Judge Rules” part of the headline was inserted by the editor of the article, or if they were just quoting Sandusky after he heard the news..”Judge Rules!”


It’s Possible That Nobody Wins…

It’s Possible That Nobody Wins the 2012 GOP Nomination

I think it’s safe to say regardless of who gets the nomination, nobody is going to win.


For Icelandic Lovers, An Incest Database

For Icelandic Lovers, An Incest Database

I feel this would be a hit in West Virginia too, but for different reasons.

They always use their best picture on their profile.


37 Killed At South Sudan Peace Meeting.

37 Killed At South Sudan Peace Meeting.

I’m guessing this all happened before they got to the “Let’s stop shooting at each other” section of the agenda.

 

U.N. Meeting Moderator: “Welcome gentlemen, we are here to discuss a peace treaty between two warring factions. Warring Faction Warlord #1 what is your peace proposal?”

Warring Faction Warlord #1: *BANG!*

U.N. Meeting Moderator:Warring Faction Warlord #1 suggests “Bullet through the chest”. Warring Faction Warlord #2, do you accept this proposal?

Warring Faction Warlord Number #2: *BANG!*

U.N. Peacekeeping Moderator: I’ll take that as a “Yes”. Meeting adjourned. Damn, I’m Good.

An exhilarated soldier upon hearing how quickly both parties came to an agreement. (He was shot five seconds later)


2011. A Year That Was Twelve Months.

 

This is a compilation of most of my facebook and twitter updates of 2011. I don’t foresee anybody wanting to read all this, but I do foresee my memory of happenings past getting progressively worse as I drink my way to comedy anonymity, so this might help me remember how things were when I still had half a working liver. Enjoy?

JANUARY

– Douchebags unite! and jump off a cliff.

– Watching Top Chef All-Stars. They’re sending the contestants off on a boat with fishing rods. This episode reminds of Mitch Hedberg… “OK, you’re a cook, can you Fish???”

– My new business card didn’t come out that great. I think I’m just gonna give it away.

– Vanilla Ice got injured ice skating rehearsing for “Dancing On Ice”, I guess you could say… something witty involving ice. Am I Right!

– Walking over to the Skull to see the great Ms. Maria Bamford. Unless I slip on some ice and break a hip. Then I’ll crawl over to see her.

– If I ever deem “I’m tired” to be worthy of a status update. I don’t think I’ll ever have to update my status again.

– I decline invitations to facebook events so quickly, sometimes I find myself “Not Attending” events I’m actually in.

– “Laughter without philosophy woven into it is but a sneeze at humor. Genuine humor is replete with wisdom, and if a piece of humor is to last, it must do two things. It must teach and it must preach – not professedly. If it does those two things professedly, all is lost. But if it does them effectively, that piece of humor will last forever – which is 30 years.” – Mark Twain.

(more…)


My First Time Doing Stand-up Comedy

For years I’d been trying to pin down the date of when I first did stand-up comedy. I knew it was in early August of 2005, at a comedy competition called the Carnival Cruise Challenge in Charlotte, NC; but I could never get down to the exact date. It was about another two months before I got on stage again and started seriously doing stand-up on a regular basis, but officially, that day in August was my first time doing stand-up.

A few months ago while I was looking at old blogs to populate this one, I ended up running into a blog I kept for years before I started doing stand-up. And to my surprise I found an entry where I mentioned my first time doing comedy. Unfortunately, I stopped updating the blog pretty soon afterwards, so I’m not sure when I did stand-up again after that, but I was finally able to pin-point the date of my first ever stand-up performance. (more…)


A Poem For The Ladies

“Baby, you may not be the most beautiful girl in the world,
but your ugliness is tolerable.
Baby, some may say your lazy eye is kinda creepy,
but I think they just need to look at you from the left side.
Baby, some may say your missing teeth make you look like a methhead
but I say..two out of three ain’t bad.”


Five Years of Chuckle Time.

Exactly about five years ago this month I started performing stand-up comedy. My first performance was at the now defunct uptown Charlotte Comedy Zone in the preliminary round of a now defunct comedy competition called the Carnival Comedy Challenge. It was set up so they would hold auditions on Monday, some in the afternoon, some in the evening, and from there they would select ten comics to perform the next day in the finals.

I was in the afternoon heat of participants. My cousin came with me. While we were there we looked through the Comedy Zone food menu, and having no money looked for the cheapest thing there. That was the origin of a joke that sadly is not yet defunct, and I still tell five years later. (more…)


It’s Curtains for Me.

Alright, check it out people. Curtains currently have more facebook fans than I do.

As of November 21, 2009:

Curtains = 651
Carlos Valencia = 145

That means curtains are more than four times more popular than I am. And I’m not talking about “Curtains” as in an underground experimental aggro-calypso band called “Curtains” or a quirky new indie movie starring Michael Cera called “Curtains”. I’m talking about Curtains, as in what gets hung up on the inside face of home windows when you’re too fancy to rig up old bed sheets or large cardboard cut-outs to block out the sun.

I’m not saying curtains aren’t awesome. I love a dark room just as much as the next guy. 95% of my indoor activities would be severely limited if it weren’t for the ability to keep people from witnessing and judging the legality of what I do at home. I’m just saying it might improve my chances of booking a television special if I can tell the HBO executives that I’m a bigger draw than curtains. It’s not a good thing when the most crowd-pleasing part of your show is the thirty minutes before the theater drapery is drawn.

So if you haven’t already, add me on the fan page. That’s if you love me more than curtains, of course.

facebook.com/carlosvalenciafans

Usually curtains open for a comic, but if this trend continues soon I'll be opening for them.

(Originally Posted 11/21/09)


Obama: Worst Maid EVER.

Here’s my hypothesis…

Perhaps because most wealthy Republicans are used to hiring brown people to do it for them, they’re not very familiar with the clean-up process. They have a very limited concept of how long it takes and how much work goes into cleaning up a mess. All they know is brown people can and are supposed to clean up the messes they’ve made in a fast and efficient manner, otherwise they’re fired.

So that’s why after George W. Bush took an eight year shit on America, they expect Obama to have it cleaned up in nine months.

What do you mean you're not done sweeping the Empire State Building? It's been 8 minutes already!

 

Originally Posted (10/10/09)


Give me Healthcare or give me Death.

How about we get rid of medicare, medicaid, public schools, highways, police departments, fire departments, state universities, social security, national parks, public libraries, public transportation, and running water. Cause apparently it’s better to have nothing at all than to let the government run anything.

The government is bureaucratic and wasteful, but I’ll take that over no health care at all. If HMO bureaucracy is more your cup of tea, go for it. If you love paying through the roof rates to private health insurance companies that will fight tooth and nail to find a way to deny you when you’re in need of coverage, knock yourself out. Nobody’s taking that away from you. Just let the rest of us have a chance to be able to afford health care for once.

Go to Canada, or Britain, or anywhere where they have socialized health care, and tell me how many would trade our current system for theirs. If you find more than 1% I’d be honestly surprised.

(Originally Posted 8/8/09)


Excalibur vs. Experian!

I got an offer in the mail to try out “Credit Protector” free for a month and I’d get $20 off on gas. So I figured “I use gas. I’ll sign up for this, get my $20 and cancel before the month is up.” Easy twenty bucks (and about 4 gallons of gas).

So when the time came I called up customer service to cancel, but the lady that answered kept trying to convince me not to cancel. I didn’t want to tell her I had just signed up to get the $20 gas rebate, for fear of sounding like a broke ass, so I tried to play along… for a while at least…

her: “Are you sure you want to cancel Credit Protector, sir?”

me: “yeah, pretty much”

her: “why?”

me: “..I just don’t think I need it”

her: “Do you know that over 5 million people in America get their identities stolen every year? Once they steal your identity they can buy things under your name and ruin your credit.”

me: “yeah, but I want to cancel though…”

her: “Sir, if you keep the Credit Protector program you’ll be insured against identity theft and you’ll get to review your credit report to check for unauthorized purchasing activity.”

me: “right, I don’t want to pay for Credit Protector though…”

her: “So if you cancel, how are you going to protect your credit?”

me: “with a sword?”

her: “Ok, good night, sir.”

 

(Originally Posted 2/8/05)


WuT dA FuKK iZ WrONg WiT U!!

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I saw this entry on somebody’s blog today and I had to post it on mine. It’s just interesting to me that there are people who talk and write like this without a hint of irony. It looks like a joke but this is how they actually talk and type out their thoughts. Me and this guy share the same planet…I can hardly accept we’re on the same plane of reality. The more I live the more I honestly start to believe I don’t belong here.

(Originally Posted 3/12/04)


Wisconsin Law Bans Sex with Dead Bodies

Wisconsin Law Bans Sex with Dead Bodies

I regret to announce to all my fans in Wisconsin that I’ve been forced to cancel all my dates in your state. I regret having to do it, but due to changing circumstances it is no longer feasible for me to make the trip to your once great, very tolerant state. Perhaps at some point you’ll have a referendum and overturn the fascist regulations of your state legislature. Until then, unfortunately, I’m afraid it just isn’t worth the trip.

(Originally Posted 7/10/08)


“Dickblowers”: Worst Comedy Club Ever.

Every now and again somebody will ask what my worst road story is, and I tell them about the time I once performed at a show, got paid afterward, went to the hotel and left the next day. That’s probably my worst road story because of how lame it is.

Then there’s others who ask what my worst gig was or what’s the worst club I’ve ever worked for. Well they’re both one and the same. “Dickblowers” in my uncle’s basement. Worst club ever, worst gig ever! No emcee, awful lighting, no sound system, but that’s not even the worst of it… (more…)