Sex, Drugs, and Comedy… not much sex though, or drugs… ok just Comedy.

Posts tagged “carlos v

CNN.com Headlines. 2/23/12

or Robert Blake

Especially if your lover is called O.J. Simpson.

Yes! "But Carlos won't this just lead to you punching every kid in the face whenever you're at a restaurant?" YES!

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CNN.com Headlines. 2/22/12

You say "Please" after you tell them to "Stop being so fucking dumb"

 

If by "play Liz Taylor" you mean "be a dead actress", then I'd guess Yes.

 

I don't know. Give me a minute. I'll google it.

 


CNN.com Headlines. 2/17/12

They just mean the one in the lobby. It’s going to get water two times a day now. Which is twice as much as the workers in the manufacturing plant get. Apple can afford to do this by watering the plants with the recycled sweat and tears of their exploited Chinese employees.

Of course they back santorum. Santorum = anal sex = less pregnancies = less abortions.

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Beer Brings Left and Right Together

Via CNN.com

No shit, they call it double-vision.


Traffickers Prey On Children of Dump

Traffickers Pray On Children of Dump

This is a pretty grim article displaying another awful example of how shitty the world is, but I found at least one part of it entertaining. Part of the plan to help these kids is to provide them with cell phones so they can call home if they’re ever abducted. But hey, cell phones are expensive, so the lady running the program doesn’t just give them out arbitrarily:

“It sounds weird, but we gave the prettiest girls the cell phones first, they’re most at risk.”

In other words, “Sorry fatty, but who would want to rape You!”

I’m pretty sure the cutest girls get iPhones too, and it goes down from there. If you’re only moderately rapeable you get a Motorola pager. The real Uggos get a couple of cans and some string, well actually they don’t get that, but they’re told to go find some in the dump.

You must be at least this hot to get on this ride.

 


McDonald’s Nixes Tiny Cages For Pigs

Via: CNN.com

I support this decision, but I think it’s going to be tough to put into practice. Even though bigger is definitely preferable, I expect a lot of McDonald’s customers are still going to resist being caged.

Fortunately, McDonald’s customers shouldn’t be that hard to bait using the old Big Mac and stick trick.


It’s Possible That Nobody Wins…

It’s Possible That Nobody Wins the 2012 GOP Nomination

I think it’s safe to say regardless of who gets the nomination, nobody is going to win.


For Icelandic Lovers, An Incest Database

For Icelandic Lovers, An Incest Database

I feel this would be a hit in West Virginia too, but for different reasons.

They always use their best picture on their profile.


37 Killed At South Sudan Peace Meeting.

37 Killed At South Sudan Peace Meeting.

I’m guessing this all happened before they got to the “Let’s stop shooting at each other” section of the agenda.

 

U.N. Meeting Moderator: “Welcome gentlemen, we are here to discuss a peace treaty between two warring factions. Warring Faction Warlord #1 what is your peace proposal?”

Warring Faction Warlord #1: *BANG!*

U.N. Meeting Moderator:Warring Faction Warlord #1 suggests “Bullet through the chest”. Warring Faction Warlord #2, do you accept this proposal?

Warring Faction Warlord Number #2: *BANG!*

U.N. Peacekeeping Moderator: I’ll take that as a “Yes”. Meeting adjourned. Damn, I’m Good.

An exhilarated soldier upon hearing how quickly both parties came to an agreement. (He was shot five seconds later)


Marketing: “Carlos V” Chocolate Candy Bars

If I’ve learned anything about comedy is that if you want to be the funniest comic in the world you have to put your name on stuff.

And so I bring you the Carlos V candy bar…

The good folks at Nestlé® and I have teamed up to make the most hilariously delicious chocolate bar in the world, as you can tell from the smiling face on the cover.

Who is this handsome man on the cover that can’t help but laugh at the hilariousness of my chocolate bar? Well it’s me, of course! The drawing is based on an old portrait of mine back in the days when I sported long hair and a beard…and a crown…and kingly fur coats…this was back in the 70’s.

Anyway kids, make sure to go to your local retailer and stock up on Carlos V chocolate bars! and by ‘local retailer’ I mean Me. I’ll be selling these after my shows for $35 a piece.

[Special thanks to Josh Goguen]

(Originally Posted 4/15/08)