Sex, Drugs, and Comedy… not much sex though, or drugs… ok just Comedy.

Posts tagged “carlos v

Death By Prayer

When the Boston Marathon bombings happened I joked that praying for Boston was pointless. Especially after the bombing already happened. At that point God had pretty much already made up his mind to fuck Boston over. However, the truth is, faith in prayer is not just worthless, it can be deadly.

Family Who Chose Prayer Over Medicine Loses Second Child

I don’t care if you cause your own death by relying on faith healing. That’s actually a pretty great thing to do in a Darwinian sort of way. But when you force a kid to adopt your Health Care By Superstition plan, you’re a gigantic piece of shit. I wish I could use the claw end of a hammer to rip off one of this guy’s testicles, just so I could deny him a 911 call and tell him to try stemming the bleeding by praying Jesus into rubbing his nutsack back to health.

They should've prayed for a decent haircut.

Also, notice this is the Second child they lose this way. Only in a country as Jesus crazy as America would these lunatics be allowed to raise children after already murdering their first. I’m willing to bet you the court system would not have been so forgiving  had they let the kid die in the name of Poseidon, cause then they would REALLY be crazy.


Enemy Combatant? Who gives a shit.

I don’t get why there was a push to label the Boston bomber dude as an “Enemy Combatant” or categorize the bomb he used as a WMD. At the end of the day he’s still just gonna spend the rest of his life in prison being fed and getting free health care, which is more than I can get, or at worst he’ll get a pretty cushy ride out of this world through a lethal injection.

How about we just call him Asshole.

Unless there’s a charge that carries a sentence of “Confinement in a bunker with an explosive pressure cooker full of nails and ball bearings”, any label you put on the guy is meaningless and pointless.

That said, whatever label they do decide to put on the guy will likely be way easier to pronounce than his actual name.


Carlos Valencia’s Potato Chips.

Most comics will lie to you and tell you they got into stand-up because of how much they appreciate the art form, or because it helps exorcise their inner demons, or because they love making people laugh. The truth is we all get into this for the same reason – in the hopes that some day we’ll have our face printed on the front of a bag of potato chips.

One day my face will be on a bag of empanada flavored taters. You’ll see. Dare to dream.

I'm holding off for Bacon Cheeseburger flavor.


Women Are Funny, Just Not This One

I posted a joke earlier on Facebook/Twitter, and judging by the number of FB likes: 100+ (a high number for me), I think most people got it and enjoyed it. However, a lady on Twitter took offense because she thought I was saying women weren’t funny (I wasn’t). In her defense how was she supposed to know it was a joke? She’s only a stand-up comic and teaches a comedy class.

As a side note, complaining about a joke you didn’t get is probably not the best way of going about proving that you’re funny. Some would call that ironic. But what do I know, I’m not the stand-up comedy scholar. (more…)


MTV Shocked People They Pay To Be Stupid Die

Shain Gandee from the MTV show “BUCKWILD” has been found dead. So long, the cure for cancer. Somebody notify the Nobel Prize committee there is one less name to take into consideration.

Nobel Prize in Squirrel Eradication

All (some) joking aside, MTV says they are “shocked and saddened” by Shain’s death. If they meant that as an April Fools joke then kudos to them, they got me and you can dismiss the rest of this post. But if they didn’t… (more…)


Dark Side of Comedy Tour

If you live in Fort Lauderdale or Valdosta, GA  I’ve got a couple of shows coming up this week March 7-9 that I’m excited about because they will be the first two of what I’m trying to bill as the “Dark Side of Comedy” tour, for lack of a better name. I would’ve called it the “Uptight Cunts Stay Away” tour, but that just wouldn’t be as marketable. As the name implies there’s gonna be some dark/offensive/edgy jokes told at the show, so if you like that kind of shit then come out to one of the shows.

If you don’t live anywhere near those places though, get on my mailing list and I’ll let you know when I’ll be closer. I usually only send about one email a month so I won’t be clogging your inbox with spam. Oh and if you’re already on my mailing list and didn’t get an email from me last month, check your spam folder or add me to your contacts or something. Fix it! To get on my mailing list you can click at the top of the page where it says “Mailing List” or you can just click on the link below:

http://eepurl.com/vbh3P


2012. A Year I Said Things In. Part 1.

Last year I finally made good on my mission to have at least one Facebook and Twitter update every day. I may have missed a handful of dates, but I made up for it eventually. I was planning on posting them all on this blog post, but I soon realized it would just take too long, so I only did January-March. Whether I ever post April-December remains to be seen. I intend to, but I’ve intended to do many things that never got done – like being successful. For now the following is a mixed compendium (I like that word) of my Facebook and Twitter updates from January 1 through March 31 2012. Some are funny, some aren’t, and many may not make any sense (You had to be there, man).

JANUARY

- New Year’s Day is like my day-after-Xmas. It’s when I usually return all the gifts I got the night before. Namely:Alcohol. Thru:My Butthole.

- Say what you will about deaf people…really, go ahead, they won’t hear you. (more…)


Big Stink Holiday Gift: Reduxxx

After I posted about giving away one of my sets from the Big Stink Comedy Tour I had quite a few people that weren’t at the Stanhope shows ask for a set as well. My original plan was to make a best-of compilation of all the shows and make that available, but knowing me, we’ll be doing the 20-year Big Stink Reunion Tour in front of Stanhope’s mummified body before I get to putting that together. So instead what I’m gonna do is send everybody who wants one, a copy of whatever set I think sucked the least.

The catch is you gotta e-mail me at carlosVcomedy@gmail.com with your name and city, and by doing so you will be added to my mailing list. If that’s a weight worth bearing for you then hit me up. But hit me up this week. I’d like to get this done while I’m still motivated and in a giving mood. Oh and type BIG STINK on the subject line so your e-mail doesn’t get lost among all the Pottery Barn and Yankee Candle newsletters I receive every day. Even if you already hit me up, hit me up again just to make sure. I won’t hold it against you. Not unless you want me to.

 

I was insinuating rubbing my penis against you in those last few sentences, by the way.

 


Big Stink Christmas Gift from Santa Carlos.

"Sit on my lap..."

I posted this on my Facebook page, and some people seemed to be interested, so I’m expanding the offer on my website as well. Earlier this year I did a run of shows opening for Doug Stanhope on his Big Stink Comedy Tour. More on that here: Big Stink Comedy Tour on Laughspin.com.

Doug Stanhope's Big Stink Comedy Tour

Storming the Southeast like Sherman.

Before the tour started, I bought an audio recorder and a lapel mic so I could record all my sets from the tour. I missed a couple of shows but I’d say I got about 90% of them. Mostly I just wanted to record my sets for me to review later, and if they didn’t come out too shitty I might try to make an album of it at some point.

Well the audio did indeed come out pretty shitty and it’s gonna take some work to compile it into something worthy of putting on an album, if that’s even a possibility. However, I thought it might be a good idea to offer the raw unedited audio to anybody who came out to see a show back in August.

I’m giving the sets away for free, so hopefully that will temper any complaints I might have gotten because of the quality of the recordings. In most of the recordings you can hear my voice fine, but because the mic was clipped to my coat and I have a nasty habit of crossing my arms during my performances you can hear a lot of popping and crackling while I’m telling my jokes. Also, in most instances, because the mic is so much closer to me than it is to the audience, you can’t hear much of a crowd reaction to my jokes. You could argue that the reason you can’t hear much crowd reaction is because most of my jokes aren’t crowd reaction worthy, but it makes me feel better to say you can’t hear the audience because the venue was too large for my little mic to pick up all the laughter.

Keep in mind, my material/segways/pronunciation isn’t always at its sharpest because I was drinking through most of these shows, but in my defense, most of the crowds weren’t completely sober either.

So anyway, if you were at one of the Stanhope shows back in August and you enjoyed my set as well, send me an e-mail at carlosVcomedy@gmail.com with your name and the city you saw the show in. Type “BIG STINK” on the subject line too so I don’t risk missing your e-mail as I read through the throngs of fan mail I get every day. On a related note, it’s funny how many of my fans send me hundreds of emails just to offer me Viagra and Cialis.

When I get all the files in order I’ll upload them somewhere and email you a link to download it. I’ll try to get the files out before Christmas. No promises though. Unless you send me a gift too, then I’ll try a little harder. Otherwise, you get what you paid for.

Happy Holidays.

 

PS. I don’t care if you copy, share, burn, or rip any of the sets, but keep in mind the thing I said about some venues not being ideal for picking up audience reaction. So if you have any audio editing skills, do me a solid and insert some over-the-top laugh track action between my jokes before you share it with your friends.


The Bachelorette.

If you like my comedy and are a fan of the Bachelorette…well then you have very confusing taste, but perhaps you’ll enjoy this. A couple of weeks ago I was asked by Charlotte’s Creative Loafing magazine to submit some comments about the television show “The Bachelorette” for a feature article they were writing about it. See, this year’s bachelorette is a Charlotte native and they did a good portion of the filming around town. This was all news to me. I tend to keep up with reality show happenings about as much as I keep up with other people’s fecal droppings. And am just as disgusted by both.

I accepted the assignment and actually forced myself to sit down to watch the first two episodes of this magnificent pile of shit. THREE hours worth. It’s quite possibly the worst thing I’ve ever spent that much time watching. With “Faces of Death” coming in at number 2. Both document the deterioration of human civilization, but while “Faces of Death” shows you people dying, “The Bachelorette” makes you wish you were dead.

Coming Soon...

The article came out this week and if you want to check it out just follow this link: The Bachelorette: The Queen City sells out in the name of love

I submitted around a dozen quotes, but they only used a couple. Here they are along with some of the ones they didn’t use:

 

“The Bachelorette is the tragic story of a rich single white mother of wealthy upbringing struggling to raise a child in the slums of one of the most expensive neighborhoods in Charlotte.”

“Will wealth, good looks, and fame be enough to overcome the heartbreaking struggles she faces every day? If not, then shoving her daughter into the media spotlight ought to do the trick.”

“According to sage Chris Harrison ‘All of America is hoping the time has finally come for Emily to find true love again and complete her family’. And here I thought what all of America was hoping for was a better economy and job security so they could be assured of the ability to provide for themselves and their families. I hope the presidential candidates are paying attention.”

“When they started arriving at the mansion, I thought the limousines were full of wild jungle apes from the whooping and hollering emanating from inside them. I was right.”

There was a ray of hope for a second towards the end of the contestant introductions when it seemed FEMA had finally sent a chopper to assist the disaster in progress. Turns out the helicopter was just dropping another turd (Kalon).”

“It was nice of the producers to showcase some of WSOC’s hard-hitting journalism as Scott Wickersham did a totally non-staged report doing a fly-over above the Bachelorette mansion. The Pulitzer has never been so close, Channel 9.”

“Bachelor Randy decided to introduce himself to Emily by dressing up like his grandmother. I’m guessing he was going for the ‘creep her the fuck out’ approach. Cause nothing says ‘psycho’ like dressing up like the psycho from the movie Psycho.”

“Towards the beginning of the second episode they gave out a ‘date card’, not sure what that is, but when it happened you could overhear one of the bachelors stating that things just ‘got real’. So if you’re a fan of the bachelorette but hate phoniness… then actually you’re just a walking contradiction.”

“In episode 2 Emily had the bachelors participate in a variety show, because what better way to find out if a man is fit to be a good father to your child than making sure they can pull off a solid song-and-dance routine. It’s a widely recognized fact that Vaudevillians and carnies have always made the best parents.”

“I was glad to see the Muppets in the second episode. Finally some characters on the show with an actual soul and personality.”

“If you pay close enough attention during the Bachelorette Muppet variety show you can hear a dull rumbling sound in the background. That’s Jim Henson turning in his grave.”


CNN.com Headlines. 4/3/12

It's getting so bad I can't even drink it anymore.

According to Billy Joel, no.

They're called chalk outlines. They actually draw them pretty often whenever there's a murder.

(more…)


CNN.com Headlines. 2/23/12

or Robert Blake

Especially if your lover is called O.J. Simpson.

Yes! "But Carlos won't this just lead to you punching every kid in the face whenever you're at a restaurant?" YES!

(more…)


CNN.com Headlines. 2/22/12

You say "Please" after you tell them to "Stop being so fucking dumb"

 

If by "play Liz Taylor" you mean "be a dead actress", then I'd guess Yes.

 

I don't know. Give me a minute. I'll google it.

 


CNN.com Headlines. 2/17/12

They just mean the one in the lobby. It’s going to get water two times a day now. Which is twice as much as the workers in the manufacturing plant get. Apple can afford to do this by watering the plants with the recycled sweat and tears of their exploited Chinese employees.

Of course they back santorum. Santorum = anal sex = less pregnancies = less abortions.

(more…)


Beer Brings Left and Right Together

Via CNN.com

No shit, they call it double-vision.


Traffickers Prey On Children of Dump

Traffickers Pray On Children of Dump

This is a pretty grim article displaying another awful example of how shitty the world is, but I found at least one part of it entertaining. Part of the plan to help these kids is to provide them with cell phones so they can call home if they’re ever abducted. But hey, cell phones are expensive, so the lady running the program doesn’t just give them out arbitrarily:

“It sounds weird, but we gave the prettiest girls the cell phones first, they’re most at risk.”

In other words, “Sorry fatty, but who would want to rape You!”

I’m pretty sure the cutest girls get iPhones too, and it goes down from there. If you’re only moderately rapeable you get a Motorola pager. The real Uggos get a couple of cans and some string, well actually they don’t get that, but they’re told to go find some in the dump.

You must be at least this hot to get on this ride.

 


McDonald’s Nixes Tiny Cages For Pigs

Via: CNN.com

I support this decision, but I think it’s going to be tough to put into practice. Even though bigger is definitely preferable, I expect a lot of McDonald’s customers are still going to resist being caged.

Fortunately, McDonald’s customers shouldn’t be that hard to bait using the old Big Mac and stick trick.


It’s Possible That Nobody Wins…

It’s Possible That Nobody Wins the 2012 GOP Nomination

I think it’s safe to say regardless of who gets the nomination, nobody is going to win.


For Icelandic Lovers, An Incest Database

For Icelandic Lovers, An Incest Database

I feel this would be a hit in West Virginia too, but for different reasons.

They always use their best picture on their profile.


37 Killed At South Sudan Peace Meeting.

37 Killed At South Sudan Peace Meeting.

I’m guessing this all happened before they got to the “Let’s stop shooting at each other” section of the agenda.

 

U.N. Meeting Moderator: “Welcome gentlemen, we are here to discuss a peace treaty between two warring factions. Warring Faction Warlord #1 what is your peace proposal?”

Warring Faction Warlord #1: *BANG!*

U.N. Meeting Moderator:Warring Faction Warlord #1 suggests “Bullet through the chest”. Warring Faction Warlord #2, do you accept this proposal?

Warring Faction Warlord Number #2: *BANG!*

U.N. Peacekeeping Moderator: I’ll take that as a “Yes”. Meeting adjourned. Damn, I’m Good.

An exhilarated soldier upon hearing how quickly both parties came to an agreement. (He was shot five seconds later)


Marketing: “Carlos V” Chocolate Candy Bars

If I’ve learned anything about comedy is that if you want to be the funniest comic in the world you have to put your name on stuff.

And so I bring you the Carlos V candy bar…

The good folks at Nestlé® and I have teamed up to make the most hilariously delicious chocolate bar in the world, as you can tell from the smiling face on the cover.

Who is this handsome man on the cover that can’t help but laugh at the hilariousness of my chocolate bar? Well it’s me, of course! The drawing is based on an old portrait of mine back in the days when I sported long hair and a beard…and a crown…and kingly fur coats…this was back in the 70′s.

Anyway kids, make sure to go to your local retailer and stock up on Carlos V chocolate bars! and by ‘local retailer’ I mean Me. I’ll be selling these after my shows for $35 a piece.

[Special thanks to Josh Goguen]

(Originally Posted 4/15/08)