Sex, Drugs, and Comedy… not much sex though, or drugs… ok just Comedy.

Posts tagged “blog

It’s Curtains for Me.

Alright, check it out people. Curtains currently have more facebook fans than I do.

As of November 21, 2009:

Curtains = 651
Carlos Valencia = 145

That means curtains are more than four times more popular than I am. And I’m not talking about “Curtains” as in an underground experimental aggro-calypso band called “Curtains” or a quirky new indie movie starring Michael Cera called “Curtains”. I’m talking about Curtains, as in what gets hung up on the inside face of home windows when you’re too fancy to rig up old bed sheets or large cardboard cut-outs to block out the sun.

I’m not saying curtains aren’t awesome. I love a dark room just as much as the next guy. 95% of my indoor activities would be severely limited if it weren’t for the ability to keep people from witnessing and judging the legality of what I do at home. I’m just saying it might improve my chances of booking a television special if I can tell the HBO executives that I’m a bigger draw than curtains. It’s not a good thing when the most crowd-pleasing part of your show is the thirty minutes before the theater drapery is drawn.

So if you haven’t already, add me on the fan page. That’s if you love me more than curtains, of course.

facebook.com/carlosvalenciafans

Usually curtains open for a comic, but if this trend continues soon I'll be opening for them.

(Originally Posted 11/21/09)


Obama: Worst Maid EVER.

Here’s my hypothesis…

Perhaps because most wealthy Republicans are used to hiring brown people to do it for them, they’re not very familiar with the clean-up process. They have a very limited concept of how long it takes and how much work goes into cleaning up a mess. All they know is brown people can and are supposed to clean up the messes they’ve made in a fast and efficient manner, otherwise they’re fired.

So that’s why after George W. Bush took an eight year shit on America, they expect Obama to have it cleaned up in nine months.

What do you mean you're not done sweeping the Empire State Building? It's been 8 minutes already!

 

Originally Posted (10/10/09)


Excalibur vs. Experian!

I got an offer in the mail to try out “Credit Protector” free for a month and I’d get $20 off on gas. So I figured “I use gas. I’ll sign up for this, get my $20 and cancel before the month is up.” Easy twenty bucks (and about 4 gallons of gas).

So when the time came I called up customer service to cancel, but the lady that answered kept trying to convince me not to cancel. I didn’t want to tell her I had just signed up to get the $20 gas rebate, for fear of sounding like a broke ass, so I tried to play along… for a while at least…

her: “Are you sure you want to cancel Credit Protector, sir?”

me: “yeah, pretty much”

her: “why?”

me: “..I just don’t think I need it”

her: “Do you know that over 5 million people in America get their identities stolen every year? Once they steal your identity they can buy things under your name and ruin your credit.”

me: “yeah, but I want to cancel though…”

her: “Sir, if you keep the Credit Protector program you’ll be insured against identity theft and you’ll get to review your credit report to check for unauthorized purchasing activity.”

me: “right, I don’t want to pay for Credit Protector though…”

her: “So if you cancel, how are you going to protect your credit?”

me: “with a sword?”

her: “Ok, good night, sir.”

 

(Originally Posted 2/8/05)


WuT dA FuKK iZ WrONg WiT U!!

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I saw this entry on somebody’s blog today and I had to post it on mine. It’s just interesting to me that there are people who talk and write like this without a hint of irony. It looks like a joke but this is how they actually talk and type out their thoughts. Me and this guy share the same planet…I can hardly accept we’re on the same plane of reality. The more I live the more I honestly start to believe I don’t belong here.

(Originally Posted 3/12/04)


“Dickblowers”: Worst Comedy Club Ever.

Every now and again somebody will ask what my worst road story is, and I tell them about the time I once performed at a show, got paid afterward, went to the hotel and left the next day. That’s probably my worst road story because of how lame it is.

Then there’s others who ask what my worst gig was or what’s the worst club I’ve ever worked for. Well they’re both one and the same. “Dickblowers” in my uncle’s basement. Worst club ever, worst gig ever! No emcee, awful lighting, no sound system, but that’s not even the worst of it… (more…)


Fun Facts Found In the Bible!

.

 

(Originally Posted 6/10/08)


Bringing Unsettling Creepiness Back

The prestigious Mountain Xpress of Asheville just published an article about the recent Asheville show I performed in, and I’m proud to say I was mentioned more than once in the article. Like almost three times. I’d like to share my favorite excerpt as written by renowned comedy critic Alli Marshall.

“Comedians tend to ride that line between humorous and creepy, but Valencia edges closer to creepy for me. Then again, his MySpace quote is “Bringing unsettling creepiness back” — mission accomplished!”

If that’s not a bio worthy blurb, I don’t know what is!

Marshall was more of a fan of the comedian who did an impression of bluegrass music. Coincidentally, comedic bluegrass impressions are the one thing that without fail creep me out every.single.time.

(Originally Posted 10/16/07)


Tapeworm of the Vagina

I never fill out surveys/chain letters, but I think I’ve come up with one I can tolerate…

1. Do you like filling out surveys? No.

 

*Repost this or you’ll get tapeworm of the vagina. If you’re a male, you’ll get tapeworm of the vagina. If you’re a female you’ll get tapeworm of the vagina. Your children will probably get tapeworm of the vagina too. And your Grandma. Gramps will be OK. But how long do you think Gramps is gonna stick around surrounded by a family full of tapeworm of the vagina? He’s got his prostate to deal with, he can’t be bothered with all your needy decaying vaginas. His time is ticking away. He’s going to Vegas. If he’s gonna have to deal with diseased vaginas, they better be attached to some smoking hot hookers attached to some industrial size silicone balloons. Go Grampa, Go! Granted Grandma looked pretty bangin’ back in her day, remember how you checked out her bod when you thought she wasn’t looking? Don’t deny it. But you and Grampa know those times are long gone. The grandchildren were starting to look pretty cute too, but not cute enough to risk tapeworm of the vagina. Now they’ll never know the ecstasy of that sweet Grampa lovin. And why? All because of you. Best regards to your tapeworm.

(Originally Posted 6/23/07)


My Date with Lindsay Lohan

Before any rumors get started, I just wanted to say Lindsay just happened to be very sleepy that night. I’m neither trying to punch her then, nor did I punch her in the face previous to the taking of this picture.

Also I want to make clear Lindsay and I are only friends. With Paris gone for a while, I found myself one skinny drunken whore short to party with, and Lindsay has filled Paris’ gap very well….hey! I’m sure this isn’t the first time Paris’ gap has gotten filled, ifyouknowwhatImean! Like the gap between her legs, I mean…cause it’s always getting filled with a penis…cause she’s a whore is what I’m saying. Get it!

(Originally Posted 6/6/07)


Fuck Me With Your Cheeto Penis!

I bought a bag of Cheetos, and I came upon a Cheeto shaped in the form of the male member. Naturally, I saved it, took a picture, and posted it on my blog.

I added graphics to the picture to further illustrate my contention that the cheeto at hand concurs with the shape of the commonly accepted representation of male genitalia.

A close-up:


I hope everyone appreciates the effort I put into this blog posting. It took a lot of patience and will power. I can’t tell you how bad I wanted to just put it in my mouth…because Cheetos are delicious I mean! not, in a gay way or anything!! I just like putting Cheetos in my mouth and sucking the flavor out of those little cheese manrods of goodness, but in a totally Hetero way! You know what I mean?

(Originally Posted 5/21/07)


Emo Hairstyles vs. Badasses

These are my rendition of what a few well known badasses would look like if they were to adopt the trendy emo hairstyle. It’s a social experiment really. All things being equal, can one still maintain the same level of badassness while sporting hair that effectively drains your virility and credibility as a male?

My opinion: They look significantly less badass, but considerably more fuckable.

You be the judge.

Charles Bronson

Charles Bronson

He fulfilled his death wish by cutting himself.

(more…)


Let Satan Into Your Soul

I found this image kinda scary, so I took a picture of it.

It’s frightening for several reasons. Look at the woman’s pasty white skin, a tell-tale sign of the undead. Look at her hair and her choice of clothing. What woman in her right mind would wear her hair like that? This “person” is obviously trying to impersonate a human being, or what they believe a human being should look like. But their lack of experience among the living prohibits them from doing it effectively. For all we know this so-called “woman” could very well be a man. (more…)


Aqua Teen Terrorist Force

My work has been selected as a *National Pick* by the good folks of CollegeHumor.com. Check it:

http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1739587

(Originally Posted 2/5/07)


Homo Milk

I bought milk once. It was homogenized, as most milk is these days. However, this particular brand of milk had a peculiar way of advertising the homogenization of its milk. They decided to print it on the milk gallon cap. The word “HOMOGENIZED”, of course, would not fit on the tiny cap, so they chose to abbreviate it by using only the first four letters. The result being the following:

so for a week and a half, every time I opened the refrigerator it felt like the milk was trying to start shit with me.

It makes me wonder if the people who produce this milk are really so naive or absent minded that they don’t realize the printing of “HOMO” on their cap may be interpreted in more than one way.

Or maybe they think whoever purchases the milk will accept the label for what it’s supposed to mean and not be so childish and immature as to make fun of it or go as far as writing a blog about it. As you can see, in my particular case, they could not have been more wrong.

(Originally Posted 1/30/07)


Christian Teens Rock!

Back in the day, I used to have a Xanga site. For those unfamiliar, Xanga at the time was just a blog site. Think of MySpace without anything else except the blog. Eventually I migrated towards MySpace realizing the better potential for sexual prey.

While I used Xanga though, you had the option of subscribing to “Blogrings”. Blogrings were supposed to be groups you could join to connect with other people who shared a common interest, like say, Electrical Wiring. Well among the groups I joined was “**Christian Teens Rock**”. This led to me getting a message from a Xanga member saying the following:

“…I saw you’re part of the Christian Teens Rock blogring and thought that was cool! Its encouraging to see other believers witnessing and sharing their faith online. Do you go to church now?”

Now sure, this is a nice letter, and maybe I shouldn’t laugh. But I do. Because if this guy had just spent one fraction of a second to scan below **Christian Teens Rock** on my blogring list he may have figured out I wasn’t exactly witnessing as much as he assumed I was.

Blogrings From Hell!

I guess my point is it may be a good idea to take half a second to care about what a person is about before you start pretending to care about what a person is about.

(Originally Posted 1/12/07)


Marketing: “Carlos V” Chocolate Candy Bars

If I’ve learned anything about comedy is that if you want to be the funniest comic in the world you have to put your name on stuff.

And so I bring you the Carlos V candy bar…

The good folks at Nestlé® and I have teamed up to make the most hilariously delicious chocolate bar in the world, as you can tell from the smiling face on the cover.

Who is this handsome man on the cover that can’t help but laugh at the hilariousness of my chocolate bar? Well it’s me, of course! The drawing is based on an old portrait of mine back in the days when I sported long hair and a beard…and a crown…and kingly fur coats…this was back in the 70’s.

Anyway kids, make sure to go to your local retailer and stock up on Carlos V chocolate bars! and by ‘local retailer’ I mean Me. I’ll be selling these after my shows for $35 a piece.

[Special thanks to Josh Goguen]

(Originally Posted 4/15/08)


Comedian Rankings 4: The Fall of the Mighty

I decided to check the overall comedy rankings not too long ago. I’d been lingering around #12 for a good while and was looking to see if I’d advanced any. It goes without saying how important it can be for a comedian to crack the North Carolina MySpace top ten comedian list – you better strap on your safety harness cause you’re getting launched in a rocket with an express route to stardom.

Well to my disappointment I quickly found I had not cracked the top ten, so I clicked to see the next ten comedians and checked if I was at least still #12. I wasn’t! In fact I was nowhere on the page. I had dropped off the top 20! So I opened the next page to see where in the 20’s I was now ranked, but I was not there either! nor in the 30’s, or 40’s, or 50’s. Once I got to the 60’s I realized MySpace must have just accidentally dropped my profile out of the rankings. A mistake they’d surely correct soon. It wouldn’t be long till I was back to my #12 glory and once again start contending for top ten status. (more…)


Comedian Rankings 3: Top Redneck

I think this proves the point that I can just dominate all genres of comedy I decide to take on. I’ve conquered the Family Friendly, Christian, and now Redneck/Country genres. I’ve conquered all but the elusive Explicit/Raw genre that keeps me hovering at the 2 and 3 positions. Some day though, Explicit/Raw, some day!

As you can see, I’ve probably beaten my toughest competition yet. Some would say that his hat is even more Rednecky than mine. And I only have two names, which again would put me at a disadvantage against his more Rednecky three. And I’m not even mentioning the teeth, or the dumbfounded look on his face. Well I guess I just did. (more…)


Comedian Rankings 2: Cher the Lamp Designer

So not too long ago I let everybody know of my ranking accomplishments as a MySpace comedian. For those of you too lazy to scroll and click back to that blog entry I’ll just let you know that I was North Carolina’s #1 ranked comedian in the “Family Friendly” genre, while at the same time being North Carolina’s #2 ranked “Explicit/Raw” comedian.

So I decided to venture out, try to conquer new ground now that I’d made “Family Friendly” my bitch. Where did Carlos turn next? “Christian” comedy, of course. And guess what? Now I’m the #1 goddamn “Christian” comic in North Carolina, MotherFuckers!! Check it out! (more…)


Comedian Rankings: Family Friendly/Explicit-Raw

I was perusing the Comedian Rankings on MySpace and seeing that I’m not yet in the top 10 nationwide, I narrowed my search to just North Carolina. Then seeing that I’m not yet in the top 10 in North Carolina, I narrowed my search down to just ‘Family Friendly’ comedians in North Carolina. And guess what? I’m number one, motherfuckers!!!

check it out:

Hell yeah! so then I checked out my other speciality subgenre and found out MySpace has me ranked as only the number Two ‘Explicit/Raw’ comedian in North Carolina. What the Cock is that Shit! (more…)


Creative Loafing Charlotte Comedy Article

I was mentioned in an article in the most prestigious stand-up comedy arts journal in the United States… foreigners, if any Americans tell you otherwise, they’re lying.

http://charlotte.creativeloafing.com/gyrobase/Content?oid=oid:44635

They compare me to some Hedberg guy. Never heard of him, but I’d like to meet him some time. If he’s anything like me, he can’t be that bad.

There’s a picture of me in there too, well the back of me. I’m the one wearing the hat sitting at just about the right height to make Joe Zimmerman’s set the greatest he’s ever had.

(Originally Posted 6/15/06)


Oh That Crazy Bible!

I was reading the Bible, as I do, and I came upon this passage. On Ezekiel 5:10, a pissed off Lord tells us,

“…in your midst fathers will eat their children, and children will eat their fathers. I will inflict punishment on you and will scatter all your survivors to the winds.”

So maybe Mike Tyson wasn’t so crazy after all. See it’s these wild violent books that give the kids the crazy ideas these days.

(Originally posted 5/7/06)