Sex, Drugs, and Comedy… not much sex though, or drugs… ok just Comedy.

Posts tagged “article

People Be Trippin’. When it snows.

740,000 people died the last time it snowed in Raleigh, NC.

People in the North be like: “Why those pussies in the South gotta shut down for a few inches of snow? We treat it like it’s any other day!”

People in the South be like: “Because we don’t have the infrastructure and tools to handle snowstorms with the same efficiency as it is handled in the north. Thus we deem it safer for people to stay indoors while we handle the clean up as best we can with our limited amount of resources, y’all.”

People in the North be like: “Well why don’t you get some more plow trucks then, dummies?”

(more…) Headlines. 4/3/12

It's getting so bad I can't even drink it anymore.

According to Billy Joel, no.

They're called chalk outlines. They actually draw them pretty often whenever there's a murder.

(more…) Headlines. 2/23/12

or Robert Blake

Especially if your lover is called O.J. Simpson.

Yes! "But Carlos won't this just lead to you punching every kid in the face whenever you're at a restaurant?" YES!


It’s Possible That Nobody Wins…

It’s Possible That Nobody Wins the 2012 GOP Nomination

I think it’s safe to say regardless of who gets the nomination, nobody is going to win.

For Icelandic Lovers, An Incest Database

For Icelandic Lovers, An Incest Database

I feel this would be a hit in West Virginia too, but for different reasons.

They always use their best picture on their profile.

37 Killed At South Sudan Peace Meeting.

37 Killed At South Sudan Peace Meeting.

I’m guessing this all happened before they got to the “Let’s stop shooting at each other” section of the agenda.


U.N. Meeting Moderator: “Welcome gentlemen, we are here to discuss a peace treaty between two warring factions. Warring Faction Warlord #1 what is your peace proposal?”

Warring Faction Warlord #1: *BANG!*

U.N. Meeting Moderator:Warring Faction Warlord #1 suggests “Bullet through the chest”. Warring Faction Warlord #2, do you accept this proposal?

Warring Faction Warlord Number #2: *BANG!*

U.N. Peacekeeping Moderator: I’ll take that as a “Yes”. Meeting adjourned. Damn, I’m Good.

An exhilarated soldier upon hearing how quickly both parties came to an agreement. (He was shot five seconds later)

Bringing Unsettling Creepiness Back

The prestigious Mountain Xpress of Asheville just published an article about the recent Asheville show I performed in, and I’m proud to say I was mentioned more than once in the article. Like almost three times. I’d like to share my favorite excerpt as written by renowned comedy critic Alli Marshall.

“Comedians tend to ride that line between humorous and creepy, but Valencia edges closer to creepy for me. Then again, his MySpace quote is “Bringing unsettling creepiness back” — mission accomplished!”

If that’s not a bio worthy blurb, I don’t know what is!

Marshall was more of a fan of the comedian who did an impression of bluegrass music. Coincidentally, comedic bluegrass impressions are the one thing that without fail creep me out every.single.time.

(Originally Posted 10/16/07)

Creative Loafing Charlotte Comedy Article

I was mentioned in an article in the most prestigious stand-up comedy arts journal in the United States… foreigners, if any Americans tell you otherwise, they’re lying.

They compare me to some Hedberg guy. Never heard of him, but I’d like to meet him some time. If he’s anything like me, he can’t be that bad.

There’s a picture of me in there too, well the back of me. I’m the one wearing the hat sitting at just about the right height to make Joe Zimmerman’s set the greatest he’s ever had.

(Originally Posted 6/15/06)