Sex, Drugs, and Comedy… not much sex though, or drugs… ok just Comedy.

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Skulls, Ipods, and Bombs OH MY!

Saw this on a conspiracy theory site in which they tried to claim that the two people pictured here are the actual Boston bombers. They use the skull logo on one of the guy’s hats as evidence that they are associated with some suspicious institutions.

"Hey man, you think anybody will suspect us of killing people if we wear an emblem that symbolizes death?"

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Big Stink Holiday Gift: Reduxxx

After I posted about giving away one of my sets from the Big Stink Comedy Tour I had quite a few people that weren’t at the Stanhope shows ask for a set as well. My original plan was to make a best-of compilation of all the shows and make that available, but knowing me, we’ll be doing the 20-year Big Stink Reunion Tour in front of Stanhope’s mummified body before I get to putting that together. So instead what I’m gonna do is send everybody who wants one, a copy of whatever set I think sucked the least.

The catch is you gotta e-mail me at carlosVcomedy@gmail.com with your name and city, and by doing so you will be added to my mailing list. If that’s a weight worth bearing for you then hit me up. But hit me up this week. I’d like to get this done while I’m still motivated and in a giving mood. Oh and type BIG STINK on the subject line so your e-mail doesn’t get lost among all the Pottery Barn and Yankee Candle newsletters I receive every day. Even if you already hit me up, hit me up again just to make sure. I won’t hold it against you. Not unless you want me to.

 

I was insinuating rubbing my penis against you in those last few sentences, by the way.

 


The Bachelorette.

If you like my comedy and are a fan of the Bachelorette…well then you have very confusing taste, but perhaps you’ll enjoy this. A couple of weeks ago I was asked by Charlotte’s Creative Loafing magazine to submit some comments about the television show “The Bachelorette” for a feature article they were writing about it. See, this year’s bachelorette is a Charlotte native and they did a good portion of the filming around town. This was all news to me. I tend to keep up with reality show happenings about as much as I keep up with other people’s fecal droppings. And am just as disgusted by both.

I accepted the assignment and actually forced myself to sit down to watch the first two episodes of this magnificent pile of shit. THREE hours worth. It’s quite possibly the worst thing I’ve ever spent that much time watching. With “Faces of Death” coming in at number 2. Both document the deterioration of human civilization, but while “Faces of Death” shows you people dying, “The Bachelorette” makes you wish you were dead.

Coming Soon...

The article came out this week and if you want to check it out just follow this link: The Bachelorette: The Queen City sells out in the name of love

I submitted around a dozen quotes, but they only used a couple. Here they are along with some of the ones they didn’t use:

 

“The Bachelorette is the tragic story of a rich single white mother of wealthy upbringing struggling to raise a child in the slums of one of the most expensive neighborhoods in Charlotte.”

“Will wealth, good looks, and fame be enough to overcome the heartbreaking struggles she faces every day? If not, then shoving her daughter into the media spotlight ought to do the trick.”

“According to sage Chris Harrison ‘All of America is hoping the time has finally come for Emily to find true love again and complete her family’. And here I thought what all of America was hoping for was a better economy and job security so they could be assured of the ability to provide for themselves and their families. I hope the presidential candidates are paying attention.”

“When they started arriving at the mansion, I thought the limousines were full of wild jungle apes from the whooping and hollering emanating from inside them. I was right.”

There was a ray of hope for a second towards the end of the contestant introductions when it seemed FEMA had finally sent a chopper to assist the disaster in progress. Turns out the helicopter was just dropping another turd (Kalon).”

“It was nice of the producers to showcase some of WSOC’s hard-hitting journalism as Scott Wickersham did a totally non-staged report doing a fly-over above the Bachelorette mansion. The Pulitzer has never been so close, Channel 9.”

“Bachelor Randy decided to introduce himself to Emily by dressing up like his grandmother. I’m guessing he was going for the ‘creep her the fuck out’ approach. Cause nothing says ‘psycho’ like dressing up like the psycho from the movie Psycho.”

“Towards the beginning of the second episode they gave out a ‘date card’, not sure what that is, but when it happened you could overhear one of the bachelors stating that things just ‘got real’. So if you’re a fan of the bachelorette but hate phoniness… then actually you’re just a walking contradiction.”

“In episode 2 Emily had the bachelors participate in a variety show, because what better way to find out if a man is fit to be a good father to your child than making sure they can pull off a solid song-and-dance routine. It’s a widely recognized fact that Vaudevillians and carnies have always made the best parents.”

“I was glad to see the Muppets in the second episode. Finally some characters on the show with an actual soul and personality.”

“If you pay close enough attention during the Bachelorette Muppet variety show you can hear a dull rumbling sound in the background. That’s Jim Henson turning in his grave.”


CNN.com Headlines. 2/17/12

They just mean the one in the lobby. It’s going to get water two times a day now. Which is twice as much as the workers in the manufacturing plant get. Apple can afford to do this by watering the plants with the recycled sweat and tears of their exploited Chinese employees.

Of course they back santorum. Santorum = anal sex = less pregnancies = less abortions.

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2011. A Year That Was Twelve Months.

 

This is a compilation of most of my facebook and twitter updates of 2011. I don’t foresee anybody wanting to read all this, but I do foresee my memory of happenings past getting progressively worse as I drink my way to comedy anonymity, so this might help me remember how things were when I still had half a working liver. Enjoy?

JANUARY

– Douchebags unite! and jump off a cliff.

– Watching Top Chef All-Stars. They’re sending the contestants off on a boat with fishing rods. This episode reminds of Mitch Hedberg… “OK, you’re a cook, can you Fish???”

– My new business card didn’t come out that great. I think I’m just gonna give it away.

– Vanilla Ice got injured ice skating rehearsing for “Dancing On Ice”, I guess you could say… something witty involving ice. Am I Right!

– Walking over to the Skull to see the great Ms. Maria Bamford. Unless I slip on some ice and break a hip. Then I’ll crawl over to see her.

– If I ever deem “I’m tired” to be worthy of a status update. I don’t think I’ll ever have to update my status again.

– I decline invitations to facebook events so quickly, sometimes I find myself “Not Attending” events I’m actually in.

– “Laughter without philosophy woven into it is but a sneeze at humor. Genuine humor is replete with wisdom, and if a piece of humor is to last, it must do two things. It must teach and it must preach – not professedly. If it does those two things professedly, all is lost. But if it does them effectively, that piece of humor will last forever – which is 30 years.” – Mark Twain.

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A Poem For The Ladies

“Baby, you may not be the most beautiful girl in the world,
but your ugliness is tolerable.
Baby, some may say your lazy eye is kinda creepy,
but I think they just need to look at you from the left side.
Baby, some may say your missing teeth make you look like a methhead
but I say..two out of three ain’t bad.”


Five Years of Chuckle Time.

Exactly about five years ago this month I started performing stand-up comedy. My first performance was at the now defunct uptown Charlotte Comedy Zone in the preliminary round of a now defunct comedy competition called the Carnival Comedy Challenge. It was set up so they would hold auditions on Monday, some in the afternoon, some in the evening, and from there they would select ten comics to perform the next day in the finals.

I was in the afternoon heat of participants. My cousin came with me. While we were there we looked through the Comedy Zone food menu, and having no money looked for the cheapest thing there. That was the origin of a joke that sadly is not yet defunct, and I still tell five years later. (more…)


It’s Curtains for Me.

Alright, check it out people. Curtains currently have more facebook fans than I do.

As of November 21, 2009:

Curtains = 651
Carlos Valencia = 145

That means curtains are more than four times more popular than I am. And I’m not talking about “Curtains” as in an underground experimental aggro-calypso band called “Curtains” or a quirky new indie movie starring Michael Cera called “Curtains”. I’m talking about Curtains, as in what gets hung up on the inside face of home windows when you’re too fancy to rig up old bed sheets or large cardboard cut-outs to block out the sun.

I’m not saying curtains aren’t awesome. I love a dark room just as much as the next guy. 95% of my indoor activities would be severely limited if it weren’t for the ability to keep people from witnessing and judging the legality of what I do at home. I’m just saying it might improve my chances of booking a television special if I can tell the HBO executives that I’m a bigger draw than curtains. It’s not a good thing when the most crowd-pleasing part of your show is the thirty minutes before the theater drapery is drawn.

So if you haven’t already, add me on the fan page. That’s if you love me more than curtains, of course.

facebook.com/carlosvalenciafans

Usually curtains open for a comic, but if this trend continues soon I'll be opening for them.

(Originally Posted 11/21/09)


Obama: Worst Maid EVER.

Here’s my hypothesis…

Perhaps because most wealthy Republicans are used to hiring brown people to do it for them, they’re not very familiar with the clean-up process. They have a very limited concept of how long it takes and how much work goes into cleaning up a mess. All they know is brown people can and are supposed to clean up the messes they’ve made in a fast and efficient manner, otherwise they’re fired.

So that’s why after George W. Bush took an eight year shit on America, they expect Obama to have it cleaned up in nine months.

What do you mean you're not done sweeping the Empire State Building? It's been 8 minutes already!

 

Originally Posted (10/10/09)


Give me Healthcare or give me Death.

How about we get rid of medicare, medicaid, public schools, highways, police departments, fire departments, state universities, social security, national parks, public libraries, public transportation, and running water. Cause apparently it’s better to have nothing at all than to let the government run anything.

The government is bureaucratic and wasteful, but I’ll take that over no health care at all. If HMO bureaucracy is more your cup of tea, go for it. If you love paying through the roof rates to private health insurance companies that will fight tooth and nail to find a way to deny you when you’re in need of coverage, knock yourself out. Nobody’s taking that away from you. Just let the rest of us have a chance to be able to afford health care for once.

Go to Canada, or Britain, or anywhere where they have socialized health care, and tell me how many would trade our current system for theirs. If you find more than 1% I’d be honestly surprised.

(Originally Posted 8/8/09)


Excalibur vs. Experian!

I got an offer in the mail to try out “Credit Protector” free for a month and I’d get $20 off on gas. So I figured “I use gas. I’ll sign up for this, get my $20 and cancel before the month is up.” Easy twenty bucks (and about 4 gallons of gas).

So when the time came I called up customer service to cancel, but the lady that answered kept trying to convince me not to cancel. I didn’t want to tell her I had just signed up to get the $20 gas rebate, for fear of sounding like a broke ass, so I tried to play along… for a while at least…

her: “Are you sure you want to cancel Credit Protector, sir?”

me: “yeah, pretty much”

her: “why?”

me: “..I just don’t think I need it”

her: “Do you know that over 5 million people in America get their identities stolen every year? Once they steal your identity they can buy things under your name and ruin your credit.”

me: “yeah, but I want to cancel though…”

her: “Sir, if you keep the Credit Protector program you’ll be insured against identity theft and you’ll get to review your credit report to check for unauthorized purchasing activity.”

me: “right, I don’t want to pay for Credit Protector though…”

her: “So if you cancel, how are you going to protect your credit?”

me: “with a sword?”

her: “Ok, good night, sir.”

 

(Originally Posted 2/8/05)


WuT dA FuKK iZ WrONg WiT U!!

WeLL DiS WeeK AiNt ReaLLie Ma WeeK BuT oF CouRse WaT MaKes iT aLriGhT eVeN tHouGht iT iS NoT iS Ma GirL CuZ sHeS tHeRe LoViN Me N sHeS So CuTe So iM ReaLLie HaPPy BouT tHaT PaRt oF Ma LiFe CuZ sHeS SucHa aNgeL n HeR fReNd …..TWIX…. LoL sHeS So KoOL tHaNx Fo BeiN tHeRe Fo Me N HeR aLwaYz WaT OuT FoR HeR N iF aNy GuY HoLLaZ TeLL tHeM sHe GoT a MaN….LoL.. WeLL aLL i GoTz To SaY 2 Ma BaBe iS tHaT i CaRe aBouT HeR aLoT n i MiSS HeR So MucH….. BuT YaH PeePz DeZ DaYz tRyiN 2 JuMp Me N iT AiNt KoOL CuZ i DuNt HaVe sHiT WiT tHeM i DuNNoe wHy tHeY tRiPPeN BuT oH WeLL i AiNt GoNNa DeaL WiT tHaT CuZ Da VP iS GoNNa DeaL WiT iT CuZ sHe CaLLeD Me iN tHa oFFiCe n iF tHeY MeSS WiT Me CuZ DeY kNoE CuZ oF eVeRytHiN DaTz BeeN HaPPeNiN DeY WiLL GeT a TaLk fRoM Mr. oFFiCeR JoNeZ So i WaRniN YaLL…. NoT CuZ i ToLd BuT tHeY kNoW WaSSuP WiT Da NiLeZ N Ma HoMMieZ….

I saw this entry on somebody’s blog today and I had to post it on mine. It’s just interesting to me that there are people who talk and write like this without a hint of irony. It looks like a joke but this is how they actually talk and type out their thoughts. Me and this guy share the same planet…I can hardly accept we’re on the same plane of reality. The more I live the more I honestly start to believe I don’t belong here.

(Originally Posted 3/12/04)


The Show.

A lot of my fans complain they can’t see me perform nearly as much as they’d love to because I don’t have enough shows booked within a 12 hour driving distance from where they live. So for those fans I created the following recreation of what it is like to see me perform live. By just clicking on different parts of my body you can experience with amazing accuracy what it is like to be in the audience of one of my shows. Enjoy!!