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The Elite Masturbaters

tl;dr: If I put together a comedy tour what would be a good name for it?

I’ve never been a big fan of stand-up comedy tours. I don’t mind that they exist, I’ve just never wanted to join one. Fortunately, most haven’t wanted me to join them either, so it’s worked out pretty well.

Lately though I’ve been looking into putting together an independent run of shows and perhaps bringing a friend or two with me, so I figured if I’m gonna do that, why not give the tour a name too.

The “Comic you’ve never heard of, along with two of his pals that you’ve never heard of either” Tour isn’t a very catchy name though. Also the “______ of Comedy” thing has been done to death, so I’m trying to avoid using that too.

Unfortunately, unless there’s some famous comics with major credits on the tour already, I think there’s gotta be an allusion to comedy in the title otherwise people will have no idea what type of show it is. The words “Comedy” or “Laugh” or “Joke” have to be in there somewhere. I’d love to call the tour something like the “Elite Masturbaters” but then I’d have to explain every time that we’re not an underground punk band or a bukkake sideshow. I also don’t want people to think they need to bring plastic sheets to the show because we may be some kind of jizz-based Gallagher parody act.

I also would like the title of the tour to convey some kind of hint as to what type of comedy will be presented, but not something so specific that people will only expect jokes about one particular subject. i.e. The Women Are Different from Men Comedy Tour, or the .44 Magnum Double Action Revolvers with Swing Out Cylinders of Comedy. Just something that conveys it’s not gonna be a “bring your grandma & kids” kind of show.

If you have any suggestions let me know. If I pick your suggestion you’ll get a free pass to one of the yet to be named’s comedy tour’s shows. So far the best I’ve got is the “I’m too lazy, and this probably is never gonna happen anyway” Tour.


The Bachelorette.

If you like my comedy and are a fan of the Bachelorette…well then you have very confusing taste, but perhaps you’ll enjoy this. A couple of weeks ago I was asked by Charlotte’s Creative Loafing magazine to submit some comments about the television show “The Bachelorette” for a feature article they were writing about it. See, this year’s bachelorette is a Charlotte native and they did a good portion of the filming around town. This was all news to me. I tend to keep up with reality show happenings about as much as I keep up with other people’s fecal droppings. And am just as disgusted by both.

I accepted the assignment and actually forced myself to sit down to watch the first two episodes of this magnificent pile of shit. THREE hours worth. It’s quite possibly the worst thing I’ve ever spent that much time watching. With “Faces of Death” coming in at number 2. Both document the deterioration of human civilization, but while “Faces of Death” shows you people dying, “The Bachelorette” makes you wish you were dead.

Coming Soon...

The article came out this week and if you want to check it out just follow this link: The Bachelorette: The Queen City sells out in the name of love

I submitted around a dozen quotes, but they only used a couple. Here they are along with some of the ones they didn’t use:

 

“The Bachelorette is the tragic story of a rich single white mother of wealthy upbringing struggling to raise a child in the slums of one of the most expensive neighborhoods in Charlotte.”

“Will wealth, good looks, and fame be enough to overcome the heartbreaking struggles she faces every day? If not, then shoving her daughter into the media spotlight ought to do the trick.”

“According to sage Chris Harrison ‘All of America is hoping the time has finally come for Emily to find true love again and complete her family’. And here I thought what all of America was hoping for was a better economy and job security so they could be assured of the ability to provide for themselves and their families. I hope the presidential candidates are paying attention.”

“When they started arriving at the mansion, I thought the limousines were full of wild jungle apes from the whooping and hollering emanating from inside them. I was right.”

There was a ray of hope for a second towards the end of the contestant introductions when it seemed FEMA had finally sent a chopper to assist the disaster in progress. Turns out the helicopter was just dropping another turd (Kalon).”

“It was nice of the producers to showcase some of WSOC’s hard-hitting journalism as Scott Wickersham did a totally non-staged report doing a fly-over above the Bachelorette mansion. The Pulitzer has never been so close, Channel 9.”

“Bachelor Randy decided to introduce himself to Emily by dressing up like his grandmother. I’m guessing he was going for the ‘creep her the fuck out’ approach. Cause nothing says ‘psycho’ like dressing up like the psycho from the movie Psycho.”

“Towards the beginning of the second episode they gave out a ‘date card’, not sure what that is, but when it happened you could overhear one of the bachelors stating that things just ‘got real’. So if you’re a fan of the bachelorette but hate phoniness… then actually you’re just a walking contradiction.”

“In episode 2 Emily had the bachelors participate in a variety show, because what better way to find out if a man is fit to be a good father to your child than making sure they can pull off a solid song-and-dance routine. It’s a widely recognized fact that Vaudevillians and carnies have always made the best parents.”

“I was glad to see the Muppets in the second episode. Finally some characters on the show with an actual soul and personality.”

“If you pay close enough attention during the Bachelorette Muppet variety show you can hear a dull rumbling sound in the background. That’s Jim Henson turning in his grave.”


CNN.com Headlines. 4/3/12

It's getting so bad I can't even drink it anymore.

According to Billy Joel, no.

They're called chalk outlines. They actually draw them pretty often whenever there's a murder.

(more…)


CNN.com Headlines. 2/23/12

or Robert Blake

Especially if your lover is called O.J. Simpson.

Yes! "But Carlos won't this just lead to you punching every kid in the face whenever you're at a restaurant?" YES!

(more…)


CNN.com Headlines. 2/22/12

You say "Please" after you tell them to "Stop being so fucking dumb"

 

If by "play Liz Taylor" you mean "be a dead actress", then I'd guess Yes.

 

I don't know. Give me a minute. I'll google it.

 


CNN.com Headlines. 2/17/12

They just mean the one in the lobby. It’s going to get water two times a day now. Which is twice as much as the workers in the manufacturing plant get. Apple can afford to do this by watering the plants with the recycled sweat and tears of their exploited Chinese employees.

Of course they back santorum. Santorum = anal sex = less pregnancies = less abortions.

(more…)


Beer Brings Left and Right Together

Via CNN.com

No shit, they call it double-vision.


Traffickers Prey On Children of Dump

Traffickers Pray On Children of Dump

This is a pretty grim article displaying another awful example of how shitty the world is, but I found at least one part of it entertaining. Part of the plan to help these kids is to provide them with cell phones so they can call home if they’re ever abducted. But hey, cell phones are expensive, so the lady running the program doesn’t just give them out arbitrarily:

“It sounds weird, but we gave the prettiest girls the cell phones first, they’re most at risk.”

In other words, “Sorry fatty, but who would want to rape You!”

I’m pretty sure the cutest girls get iPhones too, and it goes down from there. If you’re only moderately rapeable you get a Motorola pager. The real Uggos get a couple of cans and some string, well actually they don’t get that, but they’re told to go find some in the dump.

You must be at least this hot to get on this ride.

 


McDonald’s Nixes Tiny Cages For Pigs

Via: CNN.com

I support this decision, but I think it’s going to be tough to put into practice. Even though bigger is definitely preferable, I expect a lot of McDonald’s customers are still going to resist being caged.

Fortunately, McDonald’s customers shouldn’t be that hard to bait using the old Big Mac and stick trick.


Sandusky can see grandchildren…

Sandusky Can See Most of his Grandchildren, Judge Rules.

Somebody’s getting laid this week!

I’m not sure if the “Judge Rules” part of the headline was inserted by the editor of the article, or if they were just quoting Sandusky after he heard the news..”Judge Rules!”


It’s Possible That Nobody Wins…

It’s Possible That Nobody Wins the 2012 GOP Nomination

I think it’s safe to say regardless of who gets the nomination, nobody is going to win.


For Icelandic Lovers, An Incest Database

For Icelandic Lovers, An Incest Database

I feel this would be a hit in West Virginia too, but for different reasons.

They always use their best picture on their profile.


37 Killed At South Sudan Peace Meeting.

37 Killed At South Sudan Peace Meeting.

I’m guessing this all happened before they got to the “Let’s stop shooting at each other” section of the agenda.

 

U.N. Meeting Moderator: “Welcome gentlemen, we are here to discuss a peace treaty between two warring factions. Warring Faction Warlord #1 what is your peace proposal?”

Warring Faction Warlord #1: *BANG!*

U.N. Meeting Moderator:Warring Faction Warlord #1 suggests “Bullet through the chest”. Warring Faction Warlord #2, do you accept this proposal?

Warring Faction Warlord Number #2: *BANG!*

U.N. Peacekeeping Moderator: I’ll take that as a “Yes”. Meeting adjourned. Damn, I’m Good.

An exhilarated soldier upon hearing how quickly both parties came to an agreement. (He was shot five seconds later)


My First Time Doing Stand-up Comedy

For years I’d been trying to pin down the date of when I first did stand-up comedy. I knew it was in early August of 2005, at a comedy competition called the Carnival Cruise Challenge in Charlotte, NC; but I could never get down to the exact date. It was about another two months before I got on stage again and started seriously doing stand-up on a regular basis, but officially, that day in August was my first time doing stand-up.

A few months ago while I was looking at old blogs to populate this one, I ended up running into a blog I kept for years before I started doing stand-up. And to my surprise I found an entry where I mentioned my first time doing comedy. Unfortunately, I stopped updating the blog pretty soon afterwards, so I’m not sure when I did stand-up again after that, but I was finally able to pin-point the date of my first ever stand-up performance. (more…)


Wisconsin Law Bans Sex with Dead Bodies

Wisconsin Law Bans Sex with Dead Bodies

I regret to announce to all my fans in Wisconsin that I’ve been forced to cancel all my dates in your state. I regret having to do it, but due to changing circumstances it is no longer feasible for me to make the trip to your once great, very tolerant state. Perhaps at some point you’ll have a referendum and overturn the fascist regulations of your state legislature. Until then, unfortunately, I’m afraid it just isn’t worth the trip.

(Originally Posted 7/10/08)


“Dickblowers”: Worst Comedy Club Ever.

Every now and again somebody will ask what my worst road story is, and I tell them about the time I once performed at a show, got paid afterward, went to the hotel and left the next day. That’s probably my worst road story because of how lame it is.

Then there’s others who ask what my worst gig was or what’s the worst club I’ve ever worked for. Well they’re both one and the same. “Dickblowers” in my uncle’s basement. Worst club ever, worst gig ever! No emcee, awful lighting, no sound system, but that’s not even the worst of it… (more…)


Fun Facts Found In the Bible!

.

 

(Originally Posted 6/10/08)


Bringing Unsettling Creepiness Back

The prestigious Mountain Xpress of Asheville just published an article about the recent Asheville show I performed in, and I’m proud to say I was mentioned more than once in the article. Like almost three times. I’d like to share my favorite excerpt as written by renowned comedy critic Alli Marshall.

“Comedians tend to ride that line between humorous and creepy, but Valencia edges closer to creepy for me. Then again, his MySpace quote is “Bringing unsettling creepiness back” — mission accomplished!”

If that’s not a bio worthy blurb, I don’t know what is!

Marshall was more of a fan of the comedian who did an impression of bluegrass music. Coincidentally, comedic bluegrass impressions are the one thing that without fail creep me out every.single.time.

(Originally Posted 10/16/07)


Tapeworm of the Vagina

I never fill out surveys/chain letters, but I think I’ve come up with one I can tolerate…

1. Do you like filling out surveys? No.

 

*Repost this or you’ll get tapeworm of the vagina. If you’re a male, you’ll get tapeworm of the vagina. If you’re a female you’ll get tapeworm of the vagina. Your children will probably get tapeworm of the vagina too. And your Grandma. Gramps will be OK. But how long do you think Gramps is gonna stick around surrounded by a family full of tapeworm of the vagina? He’s got his prostate to deal with, he can’t be bothered with all your needy decaying vaginas. His time is ticking away. He’s going to Vegas. If he’s gonna have to deal with diseased vaginas, they better be attached to some smoking hot hookers attached to some industrial size silicone balloons. Go Grampa, Go! Granted Grandma looked pretty bangin’ back in her day, remember how you checked out her bod when you thought she wasn’t looking? Don’t deny it. But you and Grampa know those times are long gone. The grandchildren were starting to look pretty cute too, but not cute enough to risk tapeworm of the vagina. Now they’ll never know the ecstasy of that sweet Grampa lovin. And why? All because of you. Best regards to your tapeworm.

(Originally Posted 6/23/07)


My Date with Lindsay Lohan

Before any rumors get started, I just wanted to say Lindsay just happened to be very sleepy that night. I’m neither trying to punch her then, nor did I punch her in the face previous to the taking of this picture.

Also I want to make clear Lindsay and I are only friends. With Paris gone for a while, I found myself one skinny drunken whore short to party with, and Lindsay has filled Paris’ gap very well….hey! I’m sure this isn’t the first time Paris’ gap has gotten filled, ifyouknowwhatImean! Like the gap between her legs, I mean…cause it’s always getting filled with a penis…cause she’s a whore is what I’m saying. Get it!

(Originally Posted 6/6/07)


Fuck Me With Your Cheeto Penis!

I bought a bag of Cheetos, and I came upon a Cheeto shaped in the form of the male member. Naturally, I saved it, took a picture, and posted it on my blog.

I added graphics to the picture to further illustrate my contention that the cheeto at hand concurs with the shape of the commonly accepted representation of male genitalia.

A close-up:


I hope everyone appreciates the effort I put into this blog posting. It took a lot of patience and will power. I can’t tell you how bad I wanted to just put it in my mouth…because Cheetos are delicious I mean! not, in a gay way or anything!! I just like putting Cheetos in my mouth and sucking the flavor out of those little cheese manrods of goodness, but in a totally Hetero way! You know what I mean?

(Originally Posted 5/21/07)


Emo Hairstyles vs. Badasses

These are my rendition of what a few well known badasses would look like if they were to adopt the trendy emo hairstyle. It’s a social experiment really. All things being equal, can one still maintain the same level of badassness while sporting hair that effectively drains your virility and credibility as a male?

My opinion: They look significantly less badass, but considerably more fuckable.

You be the judge.

Charles Bronson

Charles Bronson

He fulfilled his death wish by cutting himself.

(more…)


Let Satan Into Your Soul

I found this image kinda scary, so I took a picture of it.

It’s frightening for several reasons. Look at the woman’s pasty white skin, a tell-tale sign of the undead. Look at her hair and her choice of clothing. What woman in her right mind would wear her hair like that? This “person” is obviously trying to impersonate a human being, or what they believe a human being should look like. But their lack of experience among the living prohibits them from doing it effectively. For all we know this so-called “woman” could very well be a man. (more…)


Aqua Teen Terrorist Force

My work has been selected as a *National Pick* by the good folks of CollegeHumor.com. Check it:

http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1739587

(Originally Posted 2/5/07)