Sex, Drugs, and Comedy… not much sex though, or drugs… ok just Comedy.

Comedian Rankings 2: Cher the Lamp Designer

So not too long ago I let everybody know of my ranking accomplishments as a MySpace comedian. For those of you too lazy to scroll and click back to that blog entry I’ll just let you know that I was North Carolina’s #1 ranked comedian in the “Family Friendly” genre, while at the same time being North Carolina’s #2 ranked “Explicit/Raw” comedian.

So I decided to venture out, try to conquer new ground now that I’d made “Family Friendly” my bitch. Where did Carlos turn next? “Christian” comedy, of course. And guess what? Now I’m the #1 goddamn “Christian” comic in North Carolina, MotherFuckers!! Check it out!

Guess the Holy Spirit wasn’t with you this time, Chris and Dillon!! I think the good Lord has decided who’ll be telling pedophile jokes for North Carolina at the next Revival!

On a less cheerful note, I once again checked my ranking at my other speciality. As many of you know, I’m no “one trick pony”. If I only told “Christian” jokes my sets would be pretty goddamn boring, so I sprinkle some “Explicit/Raw” material here and there. Unfortunately, my hard work has been rewarded by slipping down one more spot in the rankings. Now I’m number 3! Jesus Fucking Christ!

I’m getting beat now by a guy called “Mike”. He’s not even “Mike The Comedian”, god knows what he is, yet he is still better than me!

At least before, I knew I was getting beat by a comedian who surely busted his ass to make that torturous climb above the mountain of “Explicitness/Rawness” called “carlos valencia”. But now I’m just being beaten by Mike “the lamp designer” for all I know. And to add insult to injury, “Mike” doesn’t even have a last name! He’s like the Cher of comedy. “Cher the lamp designer” is more Expliciter and Rawer than me.

I guess I should start more than sprinkling Explicit/Raw jokes into my Christian sets. From now on I’ll be showering my sets with “Explicit/Raw” jokes, and it’s gonna be Golden.

(Originally Posted 9/6/06)

One Response

  1. Thought this was worth adding. A comment left by Joe Zimmerman after the original post.

    Joe Zimmerman:

    I just went and rechecked the explicit/raw rankings in NC, and good news, you moved up to number 2, just ahead of Shane! Your still trailing behind this “Mike” guy though. I thought, who could possibly be more “explicit/raw” in North Carolina than Carlos Valencia AND Shane Morris!! So I checked out Mike’s page and I think I found the answer. For instance, check out how hard core his blurb is.

    Mike’s “About Me”:

    Sometimes I flick my dogs nutsack just so he knows who’s boss. When my last girlfriend broke up with me, I got back at her by having intimate and passionate sex with a grapefruit on her front lawn as she watched with a phone in her hand calling animal control. Why animal control and not the police? Cuz I fucked that piece of fruit like a monkey having a seizure. If coke, crack and marijuana are drugs, I think pussy should be classified as a drug too, because pussy costs more and is a hell of a lot more addictive than all three.

    Pretty explicit so far, wouldn’t you say Carlos? Meanwhile, your “About me” talks about how you like to paint. Mike goes on…

    You cannot light your farts on fire but you can light your asshair on fire. I have hospital records to prove it. I have an extra tooth in my mouth, it’s true and I have the x-rays. What am I going to do with this tooth? Sell it on Ebay. I graduated high school once. I went to college a few times too.

    Next, Mike gets strangely clean/christian family friendly with a tooth, ebay, and schooling jokes. However, mike turns blue again as he goes to prison:

    Jail was fun but nothing was more enjoyable than seeing the look on my fathers face when I told him I had three testicles. He nearly shit himself. It was a proud day in our family. When people walk by my house, I like to open the window and put on a porn REALLY loud so they turn and look, then run outside in my silk boxers with my clothes in hand and scream, “I’m never coming back here again! You guys are crazy. This was worse than that night I spent at Michael Jackson’s house!!!”

    In 12 short sentences, Mike has flicked his dog’s nutsack, done it with a grape fruit (in the style of a seizuring monk), covered his pussy addiction, lit his asshair on fire, gone to jail, gained a third nut, bared himself in public while watching porn, and mentioned Michael Jackson.

    The blurb kept going, but I did not. It was too raw and shocking for my taste. It was like, “Wow I can’t believe he’s saying that! It’s like he’s so raw and explicit!”

    You’ve got a lot of work to do Mr. Valencia. A lot of work…

    June 18, 2011 at 6:52 pm

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