Sex, Drugs, and Comedy… not much sex though, or drugs… ok just Comedy.

2012. A Year I Said Things In. Part 1.

Last year I finally made good on my mission to have at least one Facebook and Twitter update every day. I may have missed a handful of dates, but I made up for it eventually. I was planning on posting them all on this blog post, but I soon realized it would just take too long, so I only did January-March. Whether I ever post April-December remains to be seen. I intend to, but I’ve intended to do many things that never got done – like being successful. For now the following is a mixed compendium (I like that word) of my Facebook and Twitter updates from January 1 through March 31 2012. Some are funny, some aren’t, and many may not make any sense (You had to be there, man).

JANUARY

– New Year’s Day is like my day-after-Xmas. It’s when I usually return all the gifts I got the night before. Namely:Alcohol. Thru:My Butthole.

– Say what you will about deaf people…really, go ahead, they won’t hear you.

– Last time I saw this large of a santorum surge I had to get new bed sheets and make a proctologist appointment.

– I don’t tell women I have a small penis, I tell them I have a fun size penis. And by “fun size” I mean it’s shaped like a balloon animal.

– Savannah, I’ll be performing at The Wormhole tonight at 9pm, which, as you know, is my third favorite hole to perform in.

– I’m glad condoms expire after five years, cause if they expired after ten years I’d be Really embarrassed when I had to throw them away.

– To all my comedian friends that in the past year have been rejected by a comedy festival or stand-up competition they wanted to participate in, I want you to know that you will always be invited to the comedy festival in my heart. you still owe me $25 for the submission fee though.

– I think the marching band is the oldest version of the iPod. Some aristocrat back in the day was probably like “I love music, but if only I could listen to it while I’m walking down the street. I know, I’ll just get a whole damn band to follow me..”

– Charlotte, NC; should make a bid to host the AVN Awards just on the basis of their airport code: CLT.

– I bet you dating chicks in the Stone Age was a lot easier. “What are you into? Surviving?? Me Too! I Love hunting AND gathering!”

– I just drove by a place called Guido Gardens. I’m guessing they’re using them as fertilizer.

– I wonder if crickets find any kind of sound annoying.

– A few years ago the White House fired its chef. I didn’t even know the White House had a chef. It made me think, Man how useless is the First Lady? Next thing you know they’ll be hiring a cleaning person too.

– I almost had sex with a woman that was older than my mom once, but my grandma wouldn’t go for it.

– I’ll be performing tonight and tomorrow @ the Jukebox Comedy Club in Peoria, IL; hometown of Richard Pryor and Sam Kinison. If you live anywhere near them, keep an eye on their graves. There’s bound to be some rolling.

– I’ve earned 37 of 39 achievements in Words with Friends. That’s officially 37 more than I’ve achieved doing stand-up.

– Meryl Streep deserves an acting award for her years of work pretending she’s surprised every time she wins another acting award.

– If the law firm that’s representing you advertises their services using comic-sans, you’re probably gonna get the death penalty.

– I’m doing a hatless show tonight. I hope the audience will be able to concentrate on my comedy without being constantly distracted by the usually fedora hidden masturbating conjoined twin on the back of my head.

– I’d give my right foot to not have diabetes.

– Another one for the “you know you’re getting old when” file. I slipped on some ice and even though I didn’t fall to the ground, with the mere body reaction of trying not to fall I somehow managed to injure myself. Now the left side of my torso pains when I move. I’m not really sure what’s wrong exactly but I think I’ve narrowed it down to either a pulled muscle, a burst esophagus, or a punctured scrotum. oh and I flunked anatomy in high school.

– Bad Republican candidate porn names in order of repulsiveness (least to most): Ron Pole, Muff Romney, Nude Gingrich, Rick Santorum.

– I swear to god, if facebook switches my profile against my will to that annoying Timeline I hate, I don’t know what I’ll do, but it will probably be nothing.

– In view of Pat Sajak’s admission that he has hosted Wheel Of Fortune drunk, I feel I too must come clean and confess I have in the past performed at a few shows while sober.

– Just because you have a friend that’s blown over one hundred guys doesn’t make it acceptable that you’ve blown 48. So get back out there and blow some more dudes. You’ve got a lot of catching up to do.

– I read a few years ago a man had to get his jaw removed due to cancer, but then some German doctors grew a new jaw on the man’s back. Which is pretty impressive. It would’ve been even more impressive had they not so grossly misjudged the location of his face.

– I’m trying to learn Origami. I can’t do Swan or Crane yet, but I’ve pretty much mastered Crumpled Paper Ball.

– It’s amazing how far videogame technology has come along. The way things are going, soon we’ll even have games that will require NO loading time at all. You know, like the ones we had 20 years ago.

– I saw an ad on the paper for a Domestic Abuse support group looking for volunteers. I wanted to help but the ad didn’t specify whether they were supporting givers or receivers. I’m all for assisting the victims, but I don’t want to go there and find out they’re on the side of mouthy women that never listen.

FEBRUARY

– I have a half brother. We have the same parents but his legs were amputated.

– I took the bus yesterday, but I promise I’ll bring it back.

– Is Groundhog Day today or is it tomorrow, or the day after that, or the day after that, or the day after that, or the day after that, or the day after that, or the day after that, or the day after…

– When I meet someone different than me, I don’t see color or race, I only see inferiority.

– I’m not very good at making up excuses when I’m late. “Sorry man, I would’ve been here earlier, but I was trying to hail a cab and I was black..”

– I can honestly say I’d never thought about slashing my wrists, but the internet connection at the hotel I’m staying at is seriously making me reconsider.

– Not gonna lie, I’m a little disappointed. The big game is only one day away and I am yet to have been invited to any Puppy Bowl parties.

– Fun Fact. One of the most popular dishes consumed at Chinese Super Bowl parties is also called the puppy bowl.

– I guess if there’s one person that might be up to the task of showing more half-time pussy than the Puppy Bowl, it would be Madonna. #KittyHalftimeShow

– And now the moment we’ve all been waiting for, seeing an old rich white guy get awarded a trophy. #SuperBowl

– Not sure what’s more inane and pointless. People getting upset at MIA for giving the finger at the Super Bowl, or MIA giving the finger at the Super Bowl.

– Giants you may have won the Superbowl, but you still have one the sorriest logos in the NFL. You can’t call your team the “GIANTS” and have the initials on the helmet be spelled in pretty little lower case letters. You might as well make your mascot the titmouse. PS. This update was mostly an excuse to use the word ‘titmouse’.

– Looking back on how many issues we had with the Y2K transition, I can’t imagine what a clusterfuck it must’ve been when we switched from BC to AD.

– My buddy’s bedroom walls used to be covered in giant posters of gangsta rappers. Every time I went in there it felt like someone was about to get robbed. So eventually I brought a gun with me. And I stole all his giant posters of gangsta rappers. I was right.

– I like turning the volume up full blast when a song I love comes on the radio while I’m driving. It makes me feel like a badass. What I don’t like is hearing the sound of my turn signal clicking as soon as the song is over and realizing it’s been blinking for the past three minutes. It makes me feel like a dumbass.

– I don’t think it’s fair that mutes don’t have to do anything when there’s a moment of silence. At least make them do some jumping jacks or something, show some respect.

– Answering the phone just to say you’re busy is about as pointless as me calling you from a movie theater just to let you know I can’t talk.

– If I don’t care that Whitney Houston’s dead, do I still have to write a joke about it?

– Working for TMZ must be like being in a death pool where every demise is a winner. There, that’s my Whitney Houston comment. Now back to talking about shit that matters, like corporate greed, religion, and my dick.

– Yesterday a celebrity drug addict’s death and a pointless award show overshadowed the birth day of one of the greatest men to have ever lived, and my personal favorite U.S. president. I’m pretty sure if Abraham Lincoln was still alive today he’d be shocked to see the country he once led. Mostly because he’d be 203 years old, and still having working visual perception at that age would have to be pretty amazing.

– I’ve never been engaged, but I Have thought about committing suicide before. Happy Valentine’s Day.

– Watching the Westminster Dog and Cankle show.

– I think whistleblowers are truly courageous people and deserve to be commended for the very important job they do. Also, did I mention my penis’ nickname is “Whistle”.

– If deaths come in three’s then I hope the next Whitney to die is the television show.

– This is my impression of someone from Venice, Italy visiting New Orleans right after Katrina… “What’s the big deal?” Thank you. (BTW I need another catastrophic flood to happen pronto, these references are going to update themselves)

– Going to see Matt Davis, Paul Hooper, and Jim Norton at the Atlanta Punchline tonight. I already have my complaint letter written out.

– I got a little clumsy at the restaurant and ended up spilling soup on my jeans. It’s the first time I’ve ever had to complain about having a soup in my fly.

– All I got is anal beads, but if I’m gonna give them to you I’m going to need to see more than just your boobs. Happy Mardi Gras.

– What happens when a school bus stops to drop off kids but then a fire truck with its lights on and siren blaring starts approaching from behind. What rule gets followed then, Mr. DMV Officer?

– 32 years ago Newt Gingrich gave up marital faithfulness for lent, and for the rest of his life.

– Just saw a TV commercial for Boeing, and I gotta say I was pretty impressed. Next time this guy is in the market for a new 100 million dollar jet airliner he’s getting a 767. Sorry, Airbus!

– Watched a couple of minutes of Jerry Springer the other day while channel surfing. I didn’t catch the topic of the show, but I’m pretty sure it was “Ugly redneck savages that like to all yell at the same time” …that or “God Bless America”.

– Call me a comedy snob, but funny cars have never made me laugh.

– I’m all for joining the drug war, as long as I can join on the side of drugs.

– My mom got picked for jury duty, which means the selection process must not have a knowing how to use your cell phone requirement.

– I spent last Saturday night blacking out. Some call it irresponsible, I call it my subtle way of honoring the last weekend of Black History Month.

– I sliced some bread once. It was the greatest thing.

– On the same day a Monkee dies (Davy Jones), we also find out there’s a good chance Snooki will soon give birth to a baby gorilla. The earth balances itself once again.

MARCH

– I was born on March 1, 1980 which happened to be a leap year. Had I been born a day earlier instead of celebrating my 32nd tomorrow I could claim to be celebrating only my 8th birthday today. I just hope this won’t keep all my pedophile friends from giving me candy and wishing me a happy birthday.

– I’m performing at The Greenbrier in West Virginia, home of one of the largest Cold War bunkers in America. It was designed to shelter Congress in case of nuclear attack. Soon we’ll find out how well it holds up against the power of my bombing.

– Driving down West Virginia back roads while playing Words With Friends should be considered an extreme sport. You haven’t stared death in the face until you’ve swerved at 45mph around hairpin curves on roads with no demarcations while trying to spell out “EPOXY” three feet from a precipice. Then again driving through West Virginia can be a pretty scary experience on its own.

– My elementary school crush “liked” me on my facebook fanpage. That means I win, right?

– I always make sure to shake well before serving. Unless I’m serving babies.

– I think God is gay, he just only shows it during the day and right after it rains.

– If providing contraception is going to turn into such a controversial subject and abortion is out of the question, then I suggest an alternate solution for women that find themselves pregnant: Alcohol. It’s the Other morning after pill.

– If contraception is a sin, then maybe the Catholic church should just provide free Holy Wine. Alcohol: It’s the Other morning after pill.

– I don’t think you should wear flip-flops if your toe nails resemble raptor claws. It makes me feel like you’re trying to display dominance. You’re trying to intimidate me by displaying how better equipped you are at lethal predatory combat.

– I love Louis CK but if the Elephant Man threatened to boycott my event, I might just try to appease the Elephant Man… wait what? That’s not him? Greta Van Susteren? Well Fuck her then.

– The only thing funnier than Louis CK is Greta Van Susteren’s insistence to be accepted as a human being when she’s clearly the byproduct of a mountain lion mating with an embolism.

– When bored buy a large pack of screws and spread them up and down the beach. Then sit back and enjoy watching people with metal detectors grow increasingly irate.

– I think it is time Twitter increases their status update character limit from 140 characters to at least 160; because that way I’d be more a

– I imagine going to a public bathroom in Scotland must be confusing. Which room am I supposed to enter when the stick figures on the doors are both wearing a skirt? Oh well, I guess as long as they both have a glory hole either one will do.

– Thanks to the amazing advances in modern electronics we finally have the technology to make pictures look as shitty as they did thirty years ago. Thank you Instagram!

– A sign at the hotel I’m staying at says “In Case Of Fire Do Not Use Elevator” Well duh! If there’s a fire I’m not using the elevator. I’m using a fire extinguisher. Or water.

– Sometimes I try to turn on my TV by talking dirty to it.

– How can we ever unite as one when so many of our highways remain divided. #deepshit #SayNo2H8 #obama #trafficsigns #interstatehighwaysystem

– Yeah laugh it up local news. It’s all jokes and giggles when global warming makes for mild winters and 80 degree days in March. We’ll see if you’re still laughing when it’s 180 degrees in August.

– Telemarketer: “But sir, if you don’t sign-up for our program, how do you plan on protecting your credit?” Me: “With a sword?” …dial tone.

– One time I was horseback riding with a friend when my horse tripped and broke its leg. My friend told me we had to kill the horse. I thought that was a bit harsh but he convinced me by explaining that they don’t recover well from those kinds of injuries and killing it would actually be the most humane thing to do. So I got some gasoline and set the horse on fire. Cause I love animals.

– According to Newt Gingrich “the country is ready for a new first lady”. Judging by his history I think what he’s actually suggesting is Obama needs to start cheating on his wife and then kick her to the curb.

– My theory is the people who wrote the Bible were just dyslexic. God isn’t “Omnipotent”, he’s “Impotent”. Which in turn explains the immaculate conception.

– If women having abortions are going to be forced to watch a video of an abortion, then I think pregnant women planning to have a baby should be forced to watch a video of a woman with a wrecked vagina and stretched out tits trying to deal with a baby screaming and crying at all hours of the night, a toddler that’s constantly shitting their pants, and a kid that’ll make it a point to ruin their life for the next 18 years. OR we could just allow women to do whatever and mind our own business. But what kind of a society would we be then. What’s next, Sodom & Gomorrah? (god, I hope so)

– If you live in a city that has alot of car chases, do Not get into the fruit cart business.

– If I was living with HIV, I’d move out.

– Dick Cheney got a new heart? Don’t you need to have had a heart at some point in order to claim a “new” one?

– Doing a show in Florida tonight. Hoping the “shoot anybody with a hoodie” law doesn’t apply to fedoras as well. (see Trevon Martin case)

– I think if I’m ever going to beat this Grand Theft Auto game I’m going to have to quit stopping at every red light. #safetyfirst

– I came up with a foolproof pregnancy test. It’s called “The Kick In The Stomach”. If you have a miscarriage, you were pregnant.

– I think one of the perks of being Andre The Giant would be that you’d never have to worry about people mistaking you for someone else they know. “Hey Jake! ..oh your name is Andre? I’m sorry, you look just like my 7’4” 500 pound college roommate”

– If I was ever in a band I’d make sure every one of my shows were all-ages. Except 34. Cause fuck 34 year-olds, that’s why.

– I hate concerts where the band starts playing before I’m ready to rock. At least have the courtesy to ask first.

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