2011. A Year That Was Twelve Months.
This is a compilation of most of my facebook and twitter updates of 2011. I don’t foresee anybody wanting to read all this, but I do foresee my memory of happenings past getting progressively worse as I drink my way to comedy anonymity, so this might help me remember how things were when I still had half a working liver. Enjoy?
– Douchebags unite! and jump off a cliff.
– Watching Top Chef All-Stars. They’re sending the contestants off on a boat with fishing rods. This episode reminds of Mitch Hedberg… “OK, you’re a cook, can you Fish???”
– My new business card didn’t come out that great. I think I’m just gonna give it away.
– Vanilla Ice got injured ice skating rehearsing for “Dancing On Ice”, I guess you could say… something witty involving ice. Am I Right!
– Walking over to the Skull to see the great Ms. Maria Bamford. Unless I slip on some ice and break a hip. Then I’ll crawl over to see her.
– If I ever deem “I’m tired” to be worthy of a status update. I don’t think I’ll ever have to update my status again.
– I decline invitations to facebook events so quickly, sometimes I find myself “Not Attending” events I’m actually in.
– “Laughter without philosophy woven into it is but a sneeze at humor. Genuine humor is replete with wisdom, and if a piece of humor is to last, it must do two things. It must teach and it must preach – not professedly. If it does those two things professedly, all is lost. But if it does them effectively, that piece of humor will last forever – which is 30 years.” – Mark Twain.
– I’m sure the tumor removed from Nancy Grace’s body is happy to finally be living cancer free.
– I don’t like being sick, but I think I can get used to doing a shot of Nyquil every night before I go to bed.
– What’s the over-under on the Puppy Bowl?
– They need to make the Puppy Bowl endzones larger. I noticed a lot of puppies halting around the 5-10 yard line, and I’m guessing it was out of fear of ramming into the back wall. The shallow endzone is both a safety hazard and detrimental to the game. I hope this issue gets addressed at the next Puppy Football League rules committee meeting.
– Casual facebook advocacy is a very convenient way to make it seem like you care while exuding the minimum amount of effort! If you want to make it sound like you’re concerned, repost this as your status. Will you do it? Most people won’t fall for the guilt trip, but let’s see who the 5% most susceptible to peer-pressure really are. I posted, will you?!!!
– Watching the Westminster Dog and Cankle show.
– Will be performing with Doug Stanhope this week in Athens, GA; Spartanburg, SC; and Raleigh, NC. What I will be performing is still up in the air, but odds are it’ll be cunnilingus.
– Two And A Half Men has been canceled for the rest of the season because of Charlie Sheen. And they say nothing good can come from addiction…
– Thanks to everybody who came out to the Stanhope shows last week. I’m sorry I didn’t get to hang with some of you as much as I wanted to. I had to spend most of my time fulfilling my contractual obligation to lubricate and reposition the headliner’s prolapsed colon. It’s in his rider.
– Just found out I share a birthday with Justin Bieber. I might as well have been told I had cancer.
– Kind of ironic that BYU’s team name is that of a creature whose goal is to get everybody in the team -suspended. Go Cougars.
– Looking forward to my first prison gig tomorrow. Wagers already being accepted towards guessing the length of shank I will be stabbed with.
– Punctuation yo, punctuation. I’m not saying you gotta use the right symbol all the time, but at least give me some clue as to where one statement stops and another begins. A comma, a period, a semicolon, even a % sign, Anything! Throw me a bone here…
– In honor of St Patrick’s day my urine will be bright green. If only I had an excuse for the other 364 days of the year.
– Dare I ask. Is there any sound sweeter than that made by the folding and unfolding of a hotel room ironing board?
– Mitch Hedberg died six years ago this week. If you find yourself near a busy restaurant this weekend, stop by and put yourself on the waiting list as “Dufresne, party of two”. Then leave. You don’t have to stick around for the payoff, and most people won’t get it, but the ones who do might smile a bit.
– I quit comedy. HA J/K!!! April FOOL’S!!! L0LLERCOASTER!!!! Sorry, America.
– I’m thinking of making a bologna sandwich, taking pictures of it as it decomposes, and constantly updating everybody via facebook about any minute change in its appearance. It should be about as interesting as reading updates about your newborn.
– Day four of overdrinking, here I come. The sacrifices I make for my art..
– Ladies I need you to send me your boob pics. It’s not what you think. It’s for a study. I’m testing the strength and durability of different tissue brands. Do it for science.
– My phone’s Scrabble app won’t let me play “FAG”, this game is gay.
– It’s snowing. Somebody tell Sioux Falls, SD it’s April.
– How long should a water slide be? 80, 90, 100ft? It’s a slippery slope.
– I’m proud to announce that the #1 result on Google Images for “Crucifix Dildo” comes from my website. My thanks to fellow comedian and good friend Matt Davis for pointing this out to me. I dare not ask the initial purpose of his making said search.
-Now the old Scrabble app won’t let me play “CUNT”. Whoever wrote this program must’ve been a comedy club manager.
– Say what you will about Pat Robertson, but the man has skill. He’s mastered the science of turning fecal matter into audible vocal sounds.
– According to the Atlanta Journal Constitution the weather tomorrow will be “horrific, frightening and dangerous”. How’s that for hyperbole.
– Was reading through the 9-11 pager intercept archive. This is an actual text message sent on the morning of the attacks. Some people can’t help but see a silver lining… “Manhattan is fukin crazy! But there’s MAD bitches around”
– 21st Century scientific advances are amazing. Now we finally have the technology to take shitty pictures. Thank you, Hipstamatic.
– NeNe just bitched out Star Jones on the Apprentice hardcore. She keeps this up she’s gonna give reality show people a bad name.
– I hope the official announcement’s delay is because they’re working on propping up Bin Laden’s head on Obama’s desk.
– How Convenient for Obama to announce Bin Laden’s death on a day that crackpots would concoct a convoluted conspiracy theory around it…
– My friend Nancy is always getting pregnant. I call her PregNancy!
– When someone’s Twitter handle isn’t their actual name, then just type in their name. I have no idea who you’re talking about when you say “@GlitterFarts” was at your show. #ihatetwitterspeak
– “it is teaching kids to fornicate, teaching people to have adultery, every kind of bestiality, homosexuality, lesbianism – everything that the Bible condemns.” -Pat Robertson He was talking about Planned Parenthood, but I’m thinking of making it the introduction of my next comedy album.
– I’m starting a comedy contest. Carlos Valencia’s Funniest Person. There’s no need to perform, just email me how many of your friends would’ve come out to your show. Largest number wins.
– Somebody should tell the Celtics if they lose, Medicare benefits will be cut. Maybe that’ll get them fired up. Cause they’re old, get it???
– I wonder if it rained when Layne Staley died. (where was facebook and twitter when this reference would’ve been timely..about 10 years ago)
– If you follow me on twitter and I don’t follow you, take no offense. I never check twitter anyway. I’m ignoring everyone equally.
– Your refusal to ride in an automobile is so pedestrian.
– If all these farmers near the Mississippi would’ve just planted Shamwow crops they wouldn’t have had to worry about all the flooding.
– so is the world ending or is it just the hardcore christians are gonna be taken away? I’m down either way, the latter just sounds more fun.
– If you consider yourself a stand-up comic and you don’t recognize at least 80% of the names on this list, odds are I probably won’t enjoy your comedy: Bill Hicks, Louis CK, Bill Burr, Dave Attell, Doug Stanhope, Mitch Hedberg, Maria Bamford, Patton Oswalt, Andy Kindler, Brian Regan, Jim Gaffigan, Greg Giraldo, Todd Barry, Brian Posehn, Dana Gould, Paul F. Tompkins.
– I’m thinking of publishing a shitlist of every club that’s ever given me a bullshit complaint or canceled me for no justifiable reason. That should get them to book me again, right?
– I just wasted 15 minutes looking up the history of Saved By The Bell and its spin-offs. That’s time I could’ve spent playing Angry Birds.
– Just learned butterflies close their wings to avoid sex. Butterflies got another thing comin’ if they think that’s gonna keep me from sexin’ them!
– I just found out May is National Masturbation Month. Gotta run folks, I have 30 days of catching up to do and less than 12 hours to do it.
– I’m pitching a show about a lawyer who works for free in return for blowjobs. The show is called “Pro Boner”.
– “War on drugs has failed, report finds”. And it only took them 40 years to figure this one out.
– 30 Day Update Challenge. Day 1. Inform people you’re doing the 30 Day Update Challenge… Day 2. Give up on the 30 Day Update Challenge and resume business as usual.
– I like eating corn because I like to know that when I eat a food item it won’t necessarily be the last time I see it.
– You served above and beyond the call of duty French’s Yellow Mustard that expired November 23, 2008; but I’m afraid you’re gonna have to go.
– If I dont reply to your email within 3 weeks, I likely didn’t get your email. If you dont reply to mine within 2 weeks, you’re a cocksucker.
– It seems Carlos Mencia is performing at every comedy club in the USA. Beware Openers, this might just be a ploy for him to get new material.
– The HEAT? More like the COLD! I know I’m a day late on this one, but this kind of comedy gold wordplay takes time to perfect.
– You ever meet someone that had a face that looked like a rat? Like they had a Ratface. And you’re scared to invite them over to your place. Cause you’re afraid they might eat all your cheese?
– I’m cool with homosexuality, as long as the gays keep all their sexual encounters public and fuck each other right in front of my face. None of this “behind closed doors” shit, like you have something to hide. Ideally, I get some jizz spattered on me when they do it.
– Saudi women are defying the driving ban. While they’re at it they should drive themselves to an airport and move to a country that isn’t dominated by a religion that treats women like lesser humans.
– If my son ever gave me a “World’s #1 Dad” coffee mug I’d slap him in the face for trying to diss my father.
– The perceived quality of my singing is directly proportional to the loudness of my stereo.
– I’m glad Russia quit the space race cause that thing would’ve never ended.
– It’s hard to spot a mindreader, so when I’m with other people I just say inside my head “If you keep reading my mind I will kill you”. That’s usually enough to scare off the mindreader. They don’t know you’re bluffing.
– When you talk about a shitty person/thing that “will remain nameless”, you’re pretty much being a shithead yourself. So either don’t say anything to begin with, or grow a pair and call assholes by name. It might help the rest of us avoid their assholery in the future.
– I pray some day people will realize the pointlessness of praying.
– I had to call the pharmacy once because after I got home I realized they had given me the wrong prescription. Their hold music was “Another One Bites The Dust”. True story.
– If you’re a lawyer for Monsanto you really have no excuse. The only way agriculture could possibly benefit from your existence is if they used you as manure.
– A lot of people assume I’m an immoral libertine that will engage in any kind of sexual debauchery, and are then shocked by how conservative I really am. Call me a prude, but I happen to adhere to a very strict rule of no premarital bestiality.
– When I was in college I took a class called “Intro to the Internet”. It was online. I think the sole achievement of successfully logging in to the class should have been enough to merit a passing grade.
– I think it’s safe to say a lot of people have mastered the science of uploading hundreds of pictures at a time, yet those same people can’t seem to grasp the technology behind turning them 90 degrees.
– “I think Michelangelo said something like, if people knew how hard I worked, they wouldn’t call me a genius, and I’m like, if people knew how little I worked on these songs, they wouldn’t say I sucked.” -Henry Philips. This spoke to me.
– I’m glad America declared independence from the English Crown. I hate monarchical systems. That’s why I refuse to eat at Burger King.
– If Casey Anthony would’ve just had a black kid, then maybe the news would concentrate on reporting shit that matters. Like Lindsay Lohan DUI’s.
– I want to bring back that show “Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego”, but with an updated title for the Hip-Hop generation. Call it “Bitch, Where You At!”
– I think the McDonald’s Monopoly game would be a lot more interesting if they added “Go Straight To Jail” cards and you were then forced to stay in prison until you paid a $50 fine. On the other hand, if you get a “Get Out of Jail Free” card first, then you should get a free pass to murder anybody you want.
– Friend: “What would you say to me if you found out I was fucking your mom?” Me: “Nothing. Why would I make a big deal about it, you never say anything to me.” Oh SNAP! High Five! ::holds palm up high:: (anybody?)
– I keep forgetting what state it is where prostitution is legal. It’s definitely not North Dakota.
– Does anybody still remember Corky from “Life Goes On”? I used to have an idea for a shirt that had his face on it and said “GET DOWN!” Guess I shouldn’t have waited 20 years after the cancellation of the show to act on the idea, huh? Who’s the retard now.
– I once met an ant that had a very large penis, they called him the septipod.
– I lost the comedy competition, but in fairness the guy who won did a cartwheel during his routine that was far superior to my no-cartwheel at all. I also learned from the judges that a comic should Never say the word “Cunt” on stage. So if you see them, let Attell, Tosh, Stanhope, Burr, and Louis CK know they need to quit comedy. Carlin is already dead unfortunately, if we’d only gotten to him sooner just think of the stand-up career he could’ve had.
– It’s ironic that ZERO is the single digit number worth the most points in Scrabble. It’s sad that I’ve wasted this much time playing Scrabble.
– I think birthday cards for old people should be made fully refundable, even if you’ve already written on them. You buy a card for an 85 year old a week in advance, you don’t know if they’re gonna make it.
– I don’t like getting accident insurance because at the end of the year, if I don’t get into an accident, I want to be happy about it. I don’t want to be like “fuck man, I just wasted a bunch of money on nothing”.
– Oh Illinois highway toll system, how I missed your rape.
– The Pacific time zone always takes me back.
– Just did my first show in Mountain Time… and now it’s Mountin’ Time! amiright! ifyouknowwhatimean! like I’m mountin’ some hypothetical chick I’m having sex with, is what I mean… no?
– The Criminal Justice System is a pretty good name for a justice system that is criminal.
– I joke around but I’m 100% heterosexual. I think the main reason I am not gay is because too many men have small penises.
– Sleeping on a hard pillow is like getting a very long, extended punch in the face.
– I always wanted to have a small family, but it’s hard cause even if you marry the tiniest dwarf you’re still not guaranteed all your kids will be midgets.
– I don’t think you should say grace before you eat cause what if you end up choking to death on that food. Thanks a lot, god.
– I hate it when I set my Ipod on shuffle and it keeps rotating songs by the same 5 or 6 artists. I wonder if people in Somalia get as pissed off about this as I do.
– I’m working on new pick up lines. Here’s the latest: “Baby, you may not be the most beautiful girl in the world, but your ugliness is tolerable.”
– Hey fellas! Lets mess with the ladies for once. Shove a ruler up your butt. Then post how deep you got it in and what color bra you were wearing when you did it! It’ll drive the girls crazy! 9 3/4″ Mauve.
– Intelligently designed schools should only teach evolution.
– I want a store that has a “Customers Only” door. See how Employees feel when They’re the ones being discriminated against.
– I wonder how many blinking related injuries Superman had when he was learning how to use his heatvision. His inner eyelids must be scarred like a motherfucker.
– I’m a little offended Twitter hasn’t bothered to verify my account belongs to the Real Carlos Valencia.
– Anybody know how I can get some of those fundraising Krispy Kreme donuts? I want to sell some to support the fight against obesity.
– Stevie Wonder should do a cover of Sammy Hagar’s “I can’t drive 55”. Call it “I can’t drive 5”. File this one under topical jokes I would’ve told had I started doing comedy when I was 7.
– A woman with clear signs of retardation just entered Starbucks staggered to the back, and then walked back out leaving behind the requisite “Welcome to NY” scent trail of feces.
– I’m cool with leaving “under God” in the Pledge Of Allegiance, as long as we redefine “God” as “Billionaires and Corporations”.
– I’d consider turning into a gay if it wasn’t such a pain in the ass.
– I didn’t believe people actually shrank when they got old until I accidentally stepped on my grandmother and crushed her to death.
– Did you know that Doors song that goes “Come On Baby Light My Fire”, was originally supposed to go “Come On Baby Light My Fart”? True story.
– I’ve never been date raped, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed.
– I’m not a big fan of automobile wood paneling. It’s like somebody thought “Yeah, cars are OK, but if only they looked more like furniture..”
– I wonder how many torturous hours of brainstorming the creator of “Swamp Thing” had to go through before settling on a name
– I think we should remove the vital organs of convicted criminals and give them to people who need transplants, but only if the inmate has been sentenced to death or if they’re Paris Hilton.
– Most strippers are only stripping so they can pay their way through college, so I don’t put dollar bills in their g-string, I put textbooks.
– I’m very anal about my colonoscopies.
– I just got an atomic clock. It’s not super accurate, but it’s made of Billions of them.
– Did you know that song “Because I Got High” was actually about a magic dragon called Puff? True story.
– I imagine playing a skins game would have a very different set of rules if you were competing against Ed Gein
– I wonder if 19th Century parents would yell at their kids for spending too much time on the telegraph.
– A guy tried to rob me but fortunately I’d bought a self defense book earlier that day. So I threw it at him! Unfortunately, he had bought a “How to defend yourself against self-defense” book. So he threw it at me! Fortunately I had also bought a “How to defend yourself against people who know how to defend themselves against self-defense” book. So I threw it at him! Unfortunately, he had also bought a “How to defend yourself against people who know how to defend themselves against people…
– I think vampires must’ve had a hand in the creation of cell phone plans. Restricted daytime minutes, and unlimited at night? I’m on to you Dracula.
– Not to jump on the bandwagon, but I think The Destroyers hiring George Thorogood on lead vocals was definitely the right move for the band.
– Every time a local news station claims to have the “Weatherman you can trust”. I feel like going over to the guy’s house and asking him to hide some guns and cocaine for me. Let’s put your loyalty to the test here, Larry Sprinkle.
– Guess now that the West Memphis Three are out I’m gonna have to find some new patsies.
– I think African American is the new black.
– I’m not a religious person, but I do think Jesus was pretty remarkable. Because back in his day there were no WWJD bracelets. How the hell did he figure out what to do?
– If God is everywhere then why do people make such a big deal about finding him.
– Apparently Doug Stanhope mentioned me on Marc Maron’s WTF Podcast today. I haven’t listened to it yet, but depending on what he said I’ll either get slightly more stand-up recognition or significantly more offers to perform gay porn.
– Question. Just in case I some day wake up and find my body has turned into a woman’s, does the tampon go in the vag or the pee hole?
– I never got a Mach3 razor cause I don’t think I’ll ever be able to shave faster than the speed of sound.
– Britney Spears just won the Mtv lifetime achievement award for her tireless work inspiring children to dress up like whores.
– “I met this guy once” is not a very impressive way to start a story. That’s about as many times as you can meet somebody.
– If you’ve never watched the Golden Girls don’t even bother, the “Golden” just refers to how freakin old they are. When will television finally produce a quality sitcom about watersports.
– I want to host a cooking show that is filmed in real time. If that shit takes two hours to cook, we are sitting there for Two Fuckin Hours!
– Watching Showgirls on basic cable is like spending two hours staring at a giant horse turd that’s had all the boob scenes censored out.
– Sometimes I like to walk near the automatic doors of buildings I’m not planning to enter just so when the doors open I can feel like I’ve fooled the automatic door.
– For a long time I didn’t understand why some men can’t argue with a woman once she starts crying. But I guess I can see how it would be hard to fight with someone after you get a boner.
– I wish we still attached descriptors to people’s names, like Ivan the Terrible, or Peter the Great. I wouldn’t even need one that was that forceful. I’d be happy with Carlos The Alright, or Carlos The Pretty OK.
– Will somebody please teach Wendy’s how to grow a lasting fuckin crop of tomatoes. It’s like they learned horticulture from playing Farmville.
– Here’s my prediction. In eight years Labor Day will be known as Labor Remembrance Day. In twelve years it’ll be discarded all together. In fifteen years it’ll be brought back as Corporation Day brought to you by AT&T-Mobile/ExxonGlaxoSmithKline. Unfortunately nobody will be able to celebrate it cause it’ll be a work day.
– You know those wind booths they fill with money, and then let a person in, and then they start the wind machine for a couple of minutes, and in the end the person gets to keep however much cash they were able to catch in the whirlwind? I want to get one of those, but I’m giving away razor blades.
– If I had a friend whose initials were BIC, each year for his birthday I’d get him a pen with his initials engraved on it.
– My 4-year-old niece is beautiful, weighs under 80 pounds, is flat chested, and doesn’t know how to read. In other words, she has every qualification to be a fashion model.
– I’m a pretty hardcore drinker of milk. I think 1% is for pussies, and 2% is for cowards. Not even whole milk is strong enough for me. That’s why I take some whole milk..mix it with some 2% milk…BAM! 102% Milk! WHAT?? That’s how I roll.
– I used to think those “Magic Eye” images were bullshit until one of them finally popped out at me and punched me in the face.
– If Nancy Grace gets kidnapped in a forest and no one else is around when it happens, does it make a sound?
– I wonder if the scientists trying to cure AIDS ever get pissed off at the scientists who invented Viagra. Great, now we have to deal with old people getting HIV too. Next thing you know they’ll invent a drug that makes straight people get AIDS too.
– I saw a book once called “NASCAR for Dummies” and I thought, “well, yeah..”
– If I had a baseball team and had to choose between having Babe Ruth or Derek Jeter play for my team. I’d pick Derek Jeter. Mostly because he’s still alive.
– If I was ever a weatherman I’d always predict at least a 1% chance of it raining blood. You know, just to be on the safe side.
– I cut the neck tag off of one of my t-shirts, but then I lost the tag. That shirt hasn’t been washed in three years. Do I machine wash warm? Do I tumble dry low? Who can take such risks.
– I’m only doing stand-up comedy to support myself until I can fulfill my dream of becoming a full-time waiter.
– Listen, I know an innocent man might be executed today, but Facebook changed its Newsfeed. Lets focus on the real issues here! #TroyDavis
– Go ahead and kill Troy Davis. But first lets pass a law that states if a person is ever proven to be not guilty after they’re executed, then every judge, lawyer, and politician who had a hand in denying a halt to that person’s execution will automatically be convicted of murder and sentenced to death. I’d like to see how trigger-happy these cocksuckers would be then.
– Watching the series premiere of “Whitney” reminds me a lot of that old sitcom “Just Shoot Me”. Not because I think the shows are similar at all, but because I wish someone would shoot me.
– There may be no “I” in “Team”, but there is no “Carlos” either.
– If you ask someone for a cigarette, and they turn you down by saying they only have one left, just tell them “Hey, that’s what Lance Armstrong said!” Smokers love cancer humor.
– I heard Facebook is going to start charging, but they’re only charging stupid people. The way they’re determining who’s dumb enough to charge is by checking who’s reposted “IF YOU COPY THIS ON YOUR WALL FACEBOOK WILL BE FREE FOR YOU” on their status.
– My parents were very disappointed when I told them I was going to become a full-time stand-up comic. Their dream had always been that I’d grow up to be a juggler.
– “Slow Funeral” road signs are cruel. They’re probably sad enough already that the person died, don’t mock the speed of their procession too.
– Even Nancy Grace’s tits want to get the fuck away from her.
– I wish I had a sober version of me to follow me around when I’m drunk and tell me to just shut the fuck up.
– If the “Mayhem” dude from the Allstate commercials would just do one where he said “I was in Oz for six years” I think that would be enough to scare the shit out of people into buying Allstate. “I’m prison rape, and I’m standing right behind you”
– I think the main thing that keeps me from going camping is having an apartment.
– I sent money to Save The Elephants, but to be honest I mostly did it cause with every donation they were giving away a really sweet ivory elephant.
– Hey NYC comics go camp out on Wall Street for a while, it’s not like you got anything better to do. And bring 15 friends, it oughta be less painful than making them sit through a 2-drink-minimum, 30 open-mic’er bringer show at any overpriced comedy club in Manhattan.
– I like eating butterfly shrimp but only if they’re really fresh. So I just buy caterpillar shrimp and give them some time.
– I’m very much against illegal immigration, but it’s not that I hate Mexicans. I’m just a big fan of tall grass and messy hotel rooms.
– I miss going to church religiously.
– Go ahead and skip the Schindler’s List end credits. No bloopers.
– What’s so wrong with giving a rabbit Trix? Give the damn rabbit some Trix you cereal Nazis. Kids are fucking assholes.
– Things are already not looking good at Apple. They just announced the next iPhone will be rotary.
– Now Nancy Grace’s farts are trying to escape. Even her flatulence is disgusted at having to share a body with her rotting soul.
– Happy Columbus Day! Don’t forget to kick a Native American in the nads today.
– People often say to me “Why do you wear black all the time? It looks like you’re going to a funeral”. Well, if you’d seen as many jokes die as I have, you’d be wearing black all the time too.
– I don’t think Presidential candidates should be criticized for having unconventional religious beliefs. I think they should be criticized for having Any religious beliefs.
– Don’t you hate it when you think you’re going to get so much done but then your bitch starts slap rappin’? In fairness though, my cocaine tongue doesn’t help things out either.
– I’ll only drink Grade A milk because frankly I think Grade B milk should’ve studied harder.
– Women always complain that men only want to get in their pants. So I always ask for a blowjob as well. Because I’m a gentleman.
– I never felt guilty about my parents’ divorce. But looking back, maybe I shouldn’t have tried to hook my dad up with all them other bitches.
– The kind of woman I like is the kind of woman that has a vagina.
– I refuse to join the fight against cancer because I heard violence doesn’t solve anything.
– I realize knowing is half the battle, but what the fuck is the other half? I’m tired of getting 50% of my ass kicked all the time, GI Joe.
– If I had the choice to have sex with any celebrity, living or dead. I would probably choose living.
– I’m really afraid of the dark, or as some people call it, African-Americans.
– If I ever run for office I’m going to be a different kind of candidate. I’m not gonna go around kissing babies. I’m giving them oral. Cause that’s how much I care.
– Saw on the news that a man drowned his wife by forcing her head into a tub of water and now everybody thinks he’s a monster. Well how do you know that woman’s head wasn’t on fire? You ever think maybe he was just trying to help? I guess what I’m trying to say is the world might be a better place if we just took a second to think before we judge. (P.S. Turns out the woman’s head was not on fire)
– Did a show at my alma mater yesterday and didn’t get laid after the show. It was just like being back in college.
– John Wilkes Booth was a cocksucker. Fuck that guy.
– You ever just wanna go to some random person’s facebook page and leave a comment on their status update saying “Why don’t you just Shut the Fuck Up”?
– They made a movie about the Three Musketeers. Finally!
– Mangum should be a euphemism for semen, not a last name.
– I used to think “Ped Xing” was a Chinese dude that was really into adopting city streets.
– I wanted to go to Japan cause Japan is the land of ninjas. Well, I was there for a full month and I did not see a single ninja. At first I was disappointed, but then I just thought…Man, those guys are Good.
– Last Saturday I went to the scariest haunted house I’ve seen in my entire life. It was called Waffle.
– A marriage I didn’t give a fuck about, between two celebrities I didn’t give a fuck about, has lead to a divorce I don’t give a fuck about. Feel free to refer back to this status update as my commentary during the next celebrity marriage/divorce event.
– I pray that after I die the Good Lord Almighty will allow me into the holy Kingdom of Heaven, cause I would really love to fuck a dead pope.
– WordFeud won’t let me play “NEGRO”. Scrabble, Please!
– I once peed at a urinal that had a screen that said “Say No To Drugs”. My first reaction was surprise “How does it know!?” But my second reaction was disappointment “I’m sorry I let you down, urinal screen…”
– I just booked a 13 hour flight from NYC to Seattle. It’s non-stop but there’s a 7 hour layover inside the plane. Last time I’m using JetBlue.
– “Son of the Mask” is a great movie for everyone who loved everything about “The Mask” except the scenes Jim Carrey was in.
– If you know me, you know I got into comedy not to make people laugh but to defeat and humiliate other comics in cutthroat comedic battle. Enter the Seattle International Comedy Competition. That’s where I’ll be all of next week. So if I know anybody in the extended Seattle area feel free to stop by one the shows and witness my demise in yet another comedy contest. I may be able to put you on a guest list too, that’s how intimidated they are by me.
– I hope Lindsay Lohan’s agreement to pose for Playboy includes providing a time machine so the pictures can be taken when she was still hot.
– I believe the children are our future, but for the time being can’t we keep them locked away somewhere.
– I booked a gig in Reno just to watch myself die.
– If Herman Cain is losing this much support from GOP voters because of the sexual harassment accusations, just imagine how many Republicans he’ll lose when they find out he’s black.
– If I’m good at doing two things at the same time, it’s trying and failing.
– Fair warning to my east coast friends, I’m on the west coast all week so expect drunk texts at hours significantly ungodlier than the usual.
– TV Clean Night is done. Fuck yeah.
– So far I’ve finished 15th, 12th, and 9th in this contest. At this pace, tonight I should place 6th, tomorrow 3rd, and on the last night finish 0. My goal is to crash the score computing database by making it divide by zero, and create a rip in the time-space continuum that will swallow all dimensions of stand-up comedy into a giant black hole and devour half of the known universe in the process. You’re welcome.
– You ever notice your cell phone displaying the wrong word when you’re typing but you’re too cabbage to correct it?
– I #don’t know how to use RT: twitter @nomenclature. FF
– With the amount of security they have now, it’s amazing how much ass rape is still allowed at airport shops across the country.
– Six years ago I was in this same airport and while I waited I bought a donut, then I got a receipt for that donut. That made me smile. About an hour later I got a phone call telling me Mitch Hedberg had died. That made me sad. I just realized I happen to be wearing my Quadruple Tree shirt today. I think I’m gonna go get another donut.
– The first country outside of Asia to get hit by the Bird Flu was Turkey. So my guess is the first country to get hit by the Cunt Flu will be Nancygraceland.
– I’m not saying the White Castle gave me diarrhea, but I Have gotten a lot of reading done today.
– People are criticizing the show ‘2 Broke Girls’ for using racial stereotypes, but I’m more offended by Whitney Cummings promotion of gender stereotypes in ‘Whitney’. Namely the stereotype that women aren’t funny.
– On the subject of Tyler Perry’s new show “For Better or Worse”, I’m going to guess Worse.
– A friend of mine was telling me he got a “Mr. Bucket” toy when he was a kid. I’m not really sure what “Mr. Bucket” is, but it sounds to me like the sort of thing I would give my kid if I forgot his birthday. Grab a sharpie, draw a happy face on a bucket… “here you go, son. It’s Mr. Bucket! ..now go help your mom mop.”
– The Obamas have inspired me once again. I hope some day I too will get the opportunity to be booed by 50,000 morons at a NASCAR race.
– If there’s one thing that’s close to my heart, it’s my lungs.
– I’m really afraid of airplanes. I’m afraid they’re gonna rape me.
– uh oh, Newt Gingrich used the word “humane” in the debate last night. I wouldn’t be surprised if Republicans end up downgrading him from “Frontrunner” to “Faggot”.
– If you really want to be thankful today, spend Thanksgiving at a casino.
– Black Friday is America’s version of the Running of the Bulls but with fatter cattle.
– I don’t care what time it is, whenever I wake up it’s breakfast time. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be getting myself some 7pm Frosted Flakes.
– It’s Small Business Saturday, folks. Don’t purchase anything from SuperWalmart, it’s time to support the smaller shops, like regular Walmart. And when you get Taco Bell make sure it’s from Taco Bell Express.
– You ever think somebody looks old, then find out you’re the same age as them, and then realize everybody else is thinking the same thing about you.
– Stand-up comedy is like a spoon, if you try to crank the engine cold, the discover card rewards soup can fix your sphincter china #dungeons.
– Patrice O’Neal is dead. Long live Patrice O’Neal. I’m getting kind of tired of saying this, by the way. So I’d appreciate it if great comics would stop dying for a while.
– Herman Cain’s got 99 problems, and a bitch is every single one of them.
– I hope the Euro doesn’t collapse. I think having a common currency is a great idea. I wish Africa had one, cause how awesome would it be to buy stuff with Afros?
– I’m with Adam Carolla. All these OWS people are self-entitled pricks that think the government should look out for their interests. Who do they think they are, Corporations? What do they think this is, a Democracy?
– The problem with using rat poison is if you have toddlers in your house they might find it and end up eating it. That’s why I’m going to invent a rat poison that is only poisonous to the children you don’t really love. I’m gonna be rich some day.
– Just saw someone post a status update that said “99% of people can’t watch this video more than 25 seconds!!”. For a second I thought my YouTube stand-up clips had finally gone viral.
– Sometimes I want to add people on Facebook, but I hesitate because I’m afraid they’ll see how sexy my pictures are and think I’m just a porn spammer. If only they knew that Facebook won’t let me post my hottest pictures and they should go check them out at http://kingofthepenises.xxx.dicks.com. Don’t worry, they only ask for a credit card number to make sure you’re not black. Cause you know what they say! Once you go black… you write a hacky joke about credit!
– I got locked out of my profile today because I was friending too many people. Guess the message here is I need to make more enemies. I’m starting with Facebook.
– Hey guys, I promised myself I wouldn’t do this cause it annoys the shit out of me when I see comics begging for votes on ridiculous online popularity contests, but the time has come for me to join in on the needy douchebaggery. So if you guys can find the time I’d REALLY appreciate it if you would take a second to check out my clip and give my video a thumbs up on PornTube. Thanks!!! (I’d throw in the link but I’m afraid Facebook would ban me again. Just search for “HattyMcHalfChub”)
– I think the anger of Muslim terrorists is partially rooted in sexual frustration. In essence they’re not getting enough head. Which explains all the decapitations.
– The Vatican recently changed the wording of the Catholic church prayers to bring the text more closely in line with Latin. In related news, God is still not listening.
– What I’ve learned thus far on my South Dakota/Minnesota tour. While Jagermeister and Patron won’t freeze in your trunk, beer will. Yet another argument in favor of drinking beverages with higher alcohol content.
– I hope deer never learn how to drive, because at this point I think they’d just use that ability to constantly run people over.
– I love Marc Maron’s podcast but I am still yet to understand the appeal of a coffee that makes you have an instant case of uncontrollable explosive diarrhea. Seems JustCoffee.coop might be better served marketing itself as a laxative. Just so it’s clear that I’m not trying to create any enmity between me and Marc, here’s a link to my favorite interview of his. Oh and for those of you who think I just like this one the best because my name gets mentioned, you are right. http://www.wtfpod.com/podcast/episodes/episode_204_-_doug_stanhope
– How many hours do I get to hang out browsing the internet at a coffee shop before the staff starts to think I’m being creepy? Do you think they’d give me more time if I watched the porn on mute? How about if I limited my masturbation to the bathroom?
– I still haven’t finished my christmas shopping. Hopefully I can find something to buy somewhere in the 5 million square feet of retail space at the Mall of America, where I’ll be performing Tuesday-Sunday. I’ll be the one in the white beard trying to convince kids to sit on my lap. Whiteness of beard is dependent on number of powdery donuts I eat or amount of cocaine I score before the show. Oh yeah and I’ll be telling jokes at the comedy club too in between trying to avoid Security.
– I just dined on Guinness and jelly beans. That’s gotta be some kind of new low, right?
– My friend used to wear a shirt that said “Let’s Do Coffee” whenever she had to go work at the coffee shop. So for her babysitting job I made her one that said “Let’s Do Children”. She refused to wear it.
– According to Sandusky’s lawyer he may have just been teaching the kids how to shower. How else are these troubled youths gonna learn the proper way to cleanse their rectums? Sandusky’s penis isn’t as much a sexual appendage, as it is a purifying wand that rids your colon of impurities, and your mind of self-esteem.
– Life well lived, Hitch.
– You ever notice how beaners are always like “Gracias”, but honkies always be all like “Thanks”. Yeah I SAID IT! Shit crazy yo.
– If I’m ever in a band that uses a drum machine I’m going to insist that every one of our shows include at least one 5 minute drum solo.
– For christmas I bought my niece a pillow that says “Princess” on it. I know what you’re thinking… “Carlos, how do you know that is her rank among the monarchical hierarchy?” Well, I don’t, but there were no Duchess, or Baroness pillows available for sale. There was a Queen pillow, but it had Freddy Mercury’s face on it, and I didn’t want my niece to get AIDS.
– My phone’s Swype feature keeps displaying “Knorr” whenever I type “Know”, and it won’t even let me delete the word “Knorr” from its memory, even though it’s not even a real word. Either Swype has some kind of underhanded marketing deal with the Knorr food company, or my phone has an Australian accent.
– First Patrice O’Neal, now Great Leader Kim Jong Il. It’s a sad year for comedy.
– If they keep dying and getting ousted at this pace, we’re gonna risk running out of foreign despots and tyrants to kill or topple. On the bright side, maybe then we’ll finally focus on overthrowing the American ones.
– Whenever I see a little kid whining and screaming at the mall, I always get angry at their parents for not trying harder to make their lives more wonderful.
– My latest cold has made it so every time I blow my nose, air shoots out of my eyehole. If I ever announce a Letterman appearance don’t wait for the stand-up segment, I’m more likely to show up doing Stupid Human Tricks.
– I’m not a big fan of Facebook’s new Timeline thing, but I do applaud their continuing efforts to turn their site into the next MySpace.
– I don’t get why pedophiles find children so attractive, every little kid I see’s got some Jacked up teeth yo.
– Merry Christmas folks! Hope you took a second to think about the true meaning of the holiday and thanked a pagan for making Christmas possible for all of us.
– A chick at the mall asked me if I was Jewish and in a futile attempt to shorten the conversation I lied and said “Yes”. Unfortunately, she kept talking and followed it by saying “Shalom” to me. I didn’t know what the appropriate reply was. I’m not even sure what “Shalom” means, so I just said “Fuck Yeah”. For future reference, can any Jews out there tell me what I’m actually supposed to say?
– The Equal sign looks like two lower-case L’s laying on top of each other. And they’re probably fucking. Pound sign is a daisy chain. ##
– A friend gave me an “AIDS bracelet” for Christmas. You’re supposed to wear it until they find a cure, or until you get tired of wearing it.
– They say guns don’t kill people, people kill people. So I say let’s kill all the people and let the guns live in peace.
– My grandma wanted an old-timey rocker for Christmas, so I got her David Lee Roth. She returned him though, cause he was broke.
– I’m becoming a bit conflicted about Louis CK. I love what he’s doing, but if arguably the best comedian in America is selling his special for $5, that means when I record a show it should be worth about 20 cents. By the way, if you illegally download Louie’s special, you’re a fucking cock. There’s no way you can be So broke you can’t afford a five dollar download. If you’re that broke you shouldn’t be able to afford internet access, much less a computer. If you’re that broke you should be too busy sniffing glue or sucking dicks for crack money to ever have the time to watch a one hour comedy special.
– I hate it when people make New Year’s resolutions just to break them two weeks later. So I want to make a New Year’s resolution, but I want it to be one that I know I can keep. Like start smoking crack. I think I can stick with that one. I won’t be one of those people that starts smoking crack every day just to give up on it a month later. You’ll see.
– The Equal sign looks like two lower-case L’s laying on top of each other. And they’re probably fucking. Pound sign is a daisy chain. ##